The Life and Lies of Karissa Kim

Just a forewarning, this post is of a very personal nature, and I know that it's pretty taboo to write about it. In fact, I've debated with myself over and over again about whether or not I should write it.

But, I have found that when people open up and talk about their trials it can help so many others. I've seen it over and over again. So much, in fact, that I'm starting to think that's part of the reason we have trials, so that we can relate to and help one another. Who am I to keep what I've learned hidden inside when it could potentially help another?

And I want others struggling with the same thing to know it's ok to talk about, if they want to. I know many don't want to, and that is fine too. I just know that there were many times I wanted to talk about it and I felt like I couldn't because it would be too weird.

Also, I was inspired to write my story because of  this post. You should read it. It's lovely and it made me realize the significance of this quote:
"Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another: 'What?! You too? I thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis

So, this post is mainly for my fellow sisters out there struggling with infertility. I write this in hopes of helping you.

And, if you know anyone who is struggling with it, please feel free to pass this on.

But, even if you’ve never struggled with infertility, feel free to read on. It’s a good story.

I mean, you knew, right? That I struggled with infertility? I don’t think I’ve ever come out and said it on this blog, but I figured that if my many posts about motherhood didn’t give it away that the adoption announcement did.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s begin.

My story starts WAAAYYY back in October of 2009. Jayson and I decided that it was time to start our family and to our great surprise and delight I was pregnant two weeks later.

But, obviously, this part of the story doesn’t have a happy ending.

At my eight week appointment I found out the bad news. I went to my doctor’s appointment thinking that everything was going to be fine, which honestly was pretty silly of me because I’ve known for as long as I remember that I have a higher chance than most of having a miscarriage.

My mom had this and she had seven miscarriages before me. SEVEN. That’s a lot.

So, at my appointment the doctor said that I had gotten pregnant, but the egg stopped forming really early on and there was nothing in there, which is what always happened to my mom.

To say the least, Jayson and I were devastated. Our whole world came crashing down. 

But, on that day Jayson gave me a Priesthood blessing and I must tell you that I have not felt the love of my Savior that strongly very many other times. I knew He was with us and I knew that together, He, Jayson, and I could get through this.

The few months following were some of the very hardest I’d ever had up to that point. But, I kept clinging to fact that I had gotten pregnant really fast. I told myself that in no time I’d be pregnant again and this time it would work out.

But, alas, winter turned to spring, spring to summer, and I found myself back in October. It turns out I not only have a hard time staying pregnant, but also getting pregnant. And, well, you definately can't stay pregnant if you can't get pregnant,

And, finally, in June of 2011 we began infertility treatments. I don't want to discourage anyone from doing infertility treatments, because I think often you need to in these circumstances. Something in you just has to know if they'll work, because they often do. But, if I'm being honest I must tell you that those 8 months of infertility treatments were the very hardest of all. I thought they would make me feel better because I would actually feel like we were making progress. But, oh how wrong I was. Those months of treatments come with a type of suffering that I cannot explain. With each new treatment came new hope and each time the hope was crushed it got harder and harder. But each month I picked myself back up and I kept telling myself that next month it would work, next month I would be pregnant.

Finally, at the very end of January 2012 I had my last and final treatment, though I didn't know it at the time. When I found out it didn't work I couldn't, for the life of me, pick myself up and get myself to face another treatment. You see, you only get like two days after finding out a treatment doesn't work and then it's time to start treatments all over again and I just couldn't do it.

So, we took a much needed break. During this break I did a whole lot of reflecting.

It wasn't the first time I had thought about adoption. We'd talked about it many times. In fact, we had almost taken that leap more than once, but one little question always held us back. On the LDS Family Services website there is a list of questions that help you determine whether or not you're ready for adoption. I could always answer yes to all of those questions except for one: "Are you ready to let go of the idea of having children through pregnancy?"

And that question made me so mad. Why did I have to give up on ever being pregnant? I've always loved the idea of adoption, but I've always been ok with it as long as I could also have my own. At least one. So, even thought I didn't really think that question made any sense, it kept me from moving forward with it.

But, in the dark days of that February I prayed and prayed and I told Heavenly Father that I was ready. I was ready to accept whatever His plan was for me. I remember saying that if there was still hope in doing infertility treatments that I would continue, but if there was another path I would gladly take it.

The thing about infertility is that there is a point in time where it stops being just about wanting a baby, though it is certainly that and that alone is more painful than anything else I've ever faced, and starts to be about acceptance. It starts to be about being able to accept the fact that you can't create life like others can. It's hearing that conceiving a baby is one of the most miraculous and God-like qualities you can possess and then accepting that you can't do that like so many others. It's about accepting the fact that your life doesn't look like everyone else's. And most of all, it's about accepting God's plan for you.

And, finally, after 2 years and four months, I was ready to accept His plan. It seemed like it happened in a single instance, but now when I step back I can see that it's been a long time coming. Everything that had ever happened seemed to lead me to that very moment. I remember telling Jayson that I was ready, that I had given up on ever bearing children. When I said it out loud it sounded like such a sad statement, but it felt SO good. As soon as I said it I knew. I knew I was free. Free from the bonds of infertility that had held me down for so long. I felt like a great burden had been lifted from me.  Sometimes I still can't believe how good I feel. I'm at peace with my infertility. I honestly and truly don't care if I don't ever have biological children. I just want to be a mom. That's what is most important to me.

After I made that decision I gave Jayson some time to think about it. I didn't want to push him into if he wasn't ready. He prayed and pondered about it for weeks and finally came to the very same conclusions. So, as you all know, we set out on the path of adoption.

I can't claim that I don't still feel sorrow because I want very badly to be a mother. But, it's different now. It's not the sort of pain that is all consuming like before. I feel like me again.

 And now I understand that dreaded question. I understand why I had to be able to answer yes to it. I wasn't ready before. It's not fair to go into adoption with unresolved infertility issues. It's not fair to the birth parents, it's not fair to the children, and it's not fair to yourself. It's not really as much about giving up as it is about being willing to let go of your plan and accept God's plan and being able to love that plan. It's about being able to say that there is truly no difference in your head or in your heart between bearing a child and adopting one.

So, for all of you out there struggling, I want you to know that you are amazing and that you are strong, even though I know you probably feel like you've never been more weak.

The last two and a half years have been the hardest and longest I've ever had to endure. I've never experienced pain and long suffering like it.  I remember days when I was so down about it all that I knew that if anyone said anything even remotely related to babies that I would probably collapse and cry. In public. And I don't cry in public. I remember nights of crying to Jayson for hours. (Oh, poor Jayson, who wants so much to be a father and on top of all of that had to put up with my craziness. He is a saint, that man.)

 And most importantly, please remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me. I won't tell and I won't think you're weird if I don't know you that well. I know it helps to talk to someone, anyone who can relate. I've been there. In a sense, I'm still there. And don't ever ever ever forget that your Savior is there and He knows EXACTLY how you feel. He suffered so He could understand the pains of infertility.

Once I read an article in the Ensign (April 2011) about adoption and there was a quote that didn't make any sense to me. It read, " Healing, they say, comes from the Lord--not from adoptiong or conceiving". When I first read that I thought to myself.."What???" But, now it makes perfect sense. As I said, infertility becomes about so much more than not being able to have a baby and the only one that can heal you from that is our Savior.

And please know that it does get easier. I know it seems like the burden will never lift and that it's really hard to imagine a time when you won't be suffering, but that time will come. I promise, it gets easier.

And the other day I surprised myself when I used the word "beautiful" to describe infertility. It took me so long to get to this point, but there are things I learned from my infertility that I cherish. I became closer to my Savior. I learned the power of gratitude and that no matter how bad life seems there are always things to be grateful for. I also feel like I'll be a better mother than I ever could have been pre-infertility. I have a greater capacity to cherish and be patient with my children than I ever could have. I know that those sleepless nights will be sweeter than they would have been.

And it's totally fine and you shouldn't feel bad at all if you haven't reached this peace yet. It will come. Everyone gets there in their own time and in their own way. Infertility may be long, but remember, it is not forever.

Thanks a Million!

We just wanted to give a great BIG thank you to everyone for your sweet comments on my last post and on facebook. You're all so wonderful! We are so grateful and humbled by the loving response we've gotten about starting the adoption process. We truly have the most wonderful friends and family. We have not had one negative thing said to us about adopting; all responses have been overwhelmingly positive. Not ONE SINGLE negative comment. I've heard of others getting negative feedback when they've told people that the are going to or have adopted, so I'm so grateful that we didn't get any of that. I mean, even if we did it wouldn't change our minds about it or make us think it's any less wonderful, but it's just so nice to be supported by so many. I couldn't ask to be surrounded by better people.


Soon I will write more about adoption. I have some facts I want to share, I want to share a little bit about how we arrived at this decision, etc. Right now though I have mountains of paperwork to sort through and a house that needs to be cleaned, but until then....THANKS.

Exciting News...

We have some really exciting news to share.

Probably the most exciting news I've ever shared via blog.

I just thought about it and, yes, it's totally the most exciting news I've ever shared via blog.

And I've been bursting at the seams to tell everyone for weeks.

Are you dying of anticipation yet?!

I'll give you a clue with this insanely cute printable I found on Pinterest via Etsy... (we're just going to have to ignore the fact that the little fella on the right might be a bunny because it's super cute..)

Confused?

Just in case you haven't caught on yet.... *drum roll*...

Jayson and I have started the adoption process!!!!!

I'm so excited that I can barely contain myself.

Adoption is so beautiful and we're really excited to get to be a part of it. The more we learn about it the more we love it.

We're just in the beginning stages of the process, so we haven't been chosen for an adoption yet, but we wanted to let everyone know because we are so thrilled and we wanted to start getting the word out.

Also, wanna know something fun? I actually took these to pictures at the pumpkin walk in Logan back in October, which was before we had even decided for sure that we were going to adopt:

So, there you have it. We're hoping to adopt!

Feel free to spread the word.

We're also going to making a blog specifically to spread the word that we're hoping to adopt so that anyone interested can visit it and get to know us better, so stay tuned for that as well.

 I must admit, sometimes I feel a little weird about making this so public and getting the word out there, especially because adoption is a very sensitive subject for birth parents.  I want you to know that I love and respect anyone that has ever placed their child, who has ever had a family member place a child, and who ever will place a child. There's a misconception out there that it's the easy way out or that they didn't want the baby they placed. Those things are very false. It's one of the hardest, most selfless things a person can do. The reason we want to get the word out there is not to make people place their babies with us. It's simply so that if someone wants to place their baby, they will know that we're hoping to adopt.

Everything about taking the route of adoption feels right to us. Suddenly life feels even more beautiful than it ever has before.

I Love Spring, I Love it Not

I saw blossoms on trees for the first time this year one day on my way to my interior design class and exlaimed very loudly, "IT'S SPRING!" And, as you can probably imagine, I was pretty puzzled with that sort of excitement because, I mean, since when do I get excited about Spring?

So at that moment I decided that this year I was going to like spring. I mean, it's absolutely beautiful, I love warm weather, blossoms, and spring flowers, so why not?

But not even a week later my usual Spring Blues came. I was in a right old funk.

My dislike for spring is long, complicated, and rather boring (but, apparently I'm going to tell you about it anyway?). To be honest, it's probably not Spring's fault at all that I don't like it. Besides the insane weather, Spring in and of itself isn't bad, but there is no denying that for whatever reason life seems harder in the spring. I can't really explain it. I just always get this realy burnt out, run down, tired-to-no-end feeling during the spring time. I always associated it with finals and 3rd semester of death during school, but school (at least full time, stressful school) is over now and it's still happening. I'm puzzled. Maybe instead of getting seasonal depression during the winter I get it in the spring?

But, I don't think it's that either because depressed is not what I feel right now. Have you ever heard the song Breakdown by Jack Johnson? I think that accurately describes how I feel about Spring. For some strange reason spring seems to send life spinning out of control.

And then yesterday happened. Yesterday was a most lovely and perfect day. Bright and early (or, rather, dark and early...) I went to the temple with the youth and other youth leaders of my ward before work and before they had school. Then, everyone met at the Bishop's for a delicious breakfast.

On my way to work I saw the streets lined with the most wonderful blossoms and beautiful daffodils and tulips. I thought to myself, "could this morning be any more beautiful?"

In the afternoon my friend informed me that she had just been outside and that the weather was perfect and not windy at all, which I'm sure she added because she knows how angry it makes me when wind ruins a perfectly warm day. I took my lunch break right away and I strolled around outside and I just might have laid in the grass for a few minutes just to let the sun beat down on my face.

After work I got to read a little bit and then I had dinner with two of my dearest friends, and one of the cutest of babies I've ever seen, who just happens to belong to one of those friends, who where all here from out of town. We had Cafe Rio, I had my Vanilla Coke, and we stayed there for hours and talked about anything and everything, as we always do. Perfect.

 Spring does have ever changing weather. Maybe there are all sorts of undesirable things about it like pastels, bunnies, and Easter decorations. And, perhaps I often wish that it would just be over already so that I could have my Summer.

 But, every now and then it gives me simple and perfect days like yesterday, and even though they only come every now and again, they are worth all of the things I don't like about Spring.

And even though I'm in a bit of a funk, I also cannot deny that I also feel renewed, invigorated, and I have an intense love for my life right now because of that funk. When I get overwhelmed with life I have to dig deeper to find the beauty in life, and therefore I'm left with an even deeper love for it.

Life is beautiful. There is so much lovliness all around me and there are so many reasons to celebrate.

My Happy

So, really this is probably going to be another one of those posts where I don't write about anything in particular.

But hey, at least all of these things are going to have a common theme, right?

Lately I've been thinking about things that make me happy and I will now present them to you in the form of random tidbits of information.

• Yesterday I walked into Target. I was not overjoyed about stopping at the store on the way home. I mean, who likes to stop at the store on the way home from work? I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was to get home and stay there for the rest of the night. That's how everyone feels after work, right? Just me? Anyway, I walked in and I was instantly happy and I thought to myself, "Gee, I just love Target." And I do. I also love Hobby Lobby. I don't love shopping (I know, Gasp!). I especially don't like shopping when I'm going to get something in particular. I like it much better when I'm just going to walk around aimlessly and look at pretty things. You really can't do that in a grocery store. But, Target and Hobby Lobby, oh they are my favorite places to walk around aimlessly.
• This week I've gotten home from work and watches little espiodes of Dogs 101 from the Discovery Channel online. I've gotten obsessed with finding the perfect dog for me. Contrary to popular belief we're not actually planning on getting a dog super soon, as we still have a yard to put in, a fence to put up, and that whole allergy problem that I'm sort of in denial about. So, why this quest right now? There really is no reason except that when I get these ideas in my head I just have to figure them out. In reality we'll probably just go to the human society and pick out the dog that seems to love me the most or something and all of this research will be for naught.
• Celebrations. I was reading my friends blog a while back and she posted about pink milk nights. Whenever her or her kids see a beautiful pink sunset she puts food coloring in their milk and makes it pink and they drink it while they watch the sunset. It got me thinking about how if we look around there are little things to celebrate each and every day. So, for the past few weeks I've been trying to look around and find something to celebrate each day and then write about it in my journal. I'm actually doing really horribly at the writing part, but I think I'm doing pretty well at the celebrating part. My two favorites so far were leap day, where in I watched Leap Year with my sister in law. I've never celebrated leap day before and it was a really great idea. One night Jayson wasn't home for the evening and I decided to have a "Me" celebration. I made myself a fairly nice dinner, poured some Martinelli's in a wine glass and enjoyed my own company for dinner. Then for the rest of the night I did "me" sort of things, like watched my favorite things on TV, took a bath, etc. I don't remember if those were actually the things I did, but I can't acually remember what I did, but you get the picture. It was nice to spend some time with me. Anyway, this whole celebration challenge has made me so happy and has made life so much more fun. I think tomorrow I will celebrate going to Target and buying myself a shirt....
• My husband. Just talking to him puts a smile on my face.
• I get to see the Hunger Games this weekend. Enough said.
• General Conference is incredibly soon. General Conference is reason enough to be excited, but it also means we get Einstein Bagels.
• Silly holidays. I hope no one is offended that I'm calling St. Patrick's Day a silly holiday, but I love it. I just love holidays that are just fun and simple. It doesn't require any crazy planning or too much hassle. All you need is some good green food coloring, some green ice cream, and some Lucky Charms.
• We Bought a Zoo. Have you guys seen that movie?! So, last weekend Jayson and I babysat some kiddos in our ward while their parents were out of town and we took them to see it. I wasn't really expecting much because I hadn't really heard a whole lot about it, but oh my goodness. It was FANTASTIC.
• My people. I know, I know. I've said it a million times. But, seriously, I have the most amazing people in my life. I am constantly humbled by how many amazing people I cross paths with each and every day.
• Weddings and babies. Nothing makes me happier than going to weddings, hearing about engagements, seeing babies, or hearing that someone I love is going to be a mommy or a daddy. And I have a lot of loved ones having babies and getting married. Thus, my life is wonderful.
• Reese's Eggs. Best candy of all time. In fact I think I should go eat one now......
• I have always wanted to be a Young Women's leader in my ward and now I finally am and I absolutely love it. I know everyone is supposed to think teenagers are super annoying, but I find them strangely refreshing. And maybe intimidating? Nonetheless, I adore them.  

I think I'll leave it at that for now so as to not write an entire novel on things that make me happy.

Have a lovely night!

What's YOUR happy?

The Room

It's been a while since I've written anything about my house. I've been wanting to post pictures of our main level room (family/kitchen/dining) for a while now, but I just kept telling msyelf that I'd post pictures as soon as it was done and just the way I wanted it.

But, let's be honest. It might never be there. I still don't have pictures in most of our frames, I want to get a couple of small chairs, and I want more chairs for the dining table...but, it's bascially done. So, instead of waiting longer to post pictures I decided I should just do it now. Besides, I'm starting to think that we might never actually put pictures in our picture frames, as they've been hanging on our walls like this for like two months now.

Just to recap, here are a couple of before pictures. I didn't really have a great before shot of the kitchen and it really doesn't look a whole lot different, so here are some before shots of the living/dining area. The pictures don't look so bad, but trust me, it needed a new paint job. 

And...

AFTER

I'm thinking of getting two small chairs to go on either side of the bookshelf. Maybe some painted dining chairs? I had my dining chairs there during Christmas, as we had our tree in the bay window (This made me the happiest person in the world. I've always dreamed of having a big tree in a bay window. It was also the first time we ever had a full sized tree. It was, to put it simply, magical.) and we just put our table in the basement and ate on the island/bar in the kitchen. I thought the chairs looked nice there, so that's how I'm planning on getting a couple more seats in there for when we have people over.

This plaque was one of my "must have" items. Love is Spoken Here is my very favorite primary song. I love the feeling you get from it. The feeling of love within a home. I heard it not too long after we bought our house (or maybe a little bit before?) and I fell in love with it. I made a vow that I would model my own home after that song. I really hope I can create a place where such a feeling of love for one another exists.

I'm trying to make this room have little touches of nautical stuff. The two above pictures are all I have so far, but I plan on doing a few more little things, like maybe gluing some shells on some of my picture frames and maybe buying some more starfish to hang out on the shelves.

This living/dining/kitchen area was my favorite to design and it yeilded my favorite results. I love the colors, the decor, and the happy feeling it give me when I walk in my house each day. I'm very very pleased with it and it was well worth all of the hard work.

Everything. Nothing.

Mainly this post is a little bit about a lot of things, but not a whole lot about anything.

Shall we get started?

*Ok, really fast I just want to make a side note about my previous post. I think a few things may have been misinturpreted. Just to clarify I wasn't trying to say that you're bad if you're a working mom or that everyone should postpone school to be a mom. I just meant that it's the reason I personally am postponing more school and my career. I know that while I feel this is right for me it might not be the right thing for someone else. So, I promise I'm not judging you nor do I think you're a bad person if you're doing things differently than me. Mainly I just meant for the post to be about how I believe that motherhood is a divine roll and shouldn't be looked down on.

Now that we have that out of the way let's talk about the fact that my niece and nephew are here!

 First came baby Henry. Isn't he adorable? I don't have a picture of me holding him because he snuck into this world a couple weeks earlier than he was suppose to, so he had to be in the NICU for a few days (don't worry though, he's doing fabulously now). Then Jayson and I both got sick, so we didn't want to go see him after he got home, but hopefully soon I'll get have that little guy in my arms for the first time. Do you see those cheeks?! To die for.

The two pictures above are baby Jayden. Isn't she beautiful? She has the loviest face and, though you can't see it here, lots of dark hair. Thankfully she was born before I got sick, so I got to hold her. There is nothing like holding newborn babies. Nothing in the world. It's magical. It's perfect. Nothing else matters but you and that little baby.

I think having new babies in the family is just about the most exciting thing in the world. I mean, think about it, there are two new human beings in our family! Two new kiddos to get to know, to make us laugh, to watch grow. Two new personalities to get to know.




On a completely different note I've been thinking more about having a dog. Because I really want one. It's really starting to sink in that Jayson is, in fact, allergic to dogs. He's allergic to the saliva and the dandruff, we think, so a hypoallergenic dog wouldn't really help. Maybe allergy shots? They're expensive. But, seriously guys, this is a big deal. Me without a dog is like chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips. But I don't want Jayson to have to be weezy for the rest of his life, each and every day. Maybe if I keep the house really really clean? And don't let the dogs on the carpet?

I've contimplated having an outside dog, but I don't know if I can emotionally handle it. I know that dogs really are fine outside, but I'm crazy and I'd just feel too bad making them stay outside all of the time. Maybe if I got two I wouldn't feel so bad about keeping them outside? And if I built them a really awesome dog house?

In the meantime though, I just hand out with this guy:

He's my Mom and Step-dad's new puppy. Is that not one of the cutest faces you've ever seen? I'm his favorite. He gets super excited when I come over and he doesn't just love everyone like most labs do. He isn't mean, he just doesn't take to people right away like a lot of other dogs. But he loves me the very most. I just know it. It's probably because I let sit on me and jump around and be crazy. Or maybe because I'm really likeable. Or maybe I'm a dog whisperer?


The going ons around here have been fairly boring, as one or both of us has been sick for the past week and a half. Jayson got sick on his birthday, poor guy. But this also means that there's been a lot of Boy Meets World (Because I now own the first three season. BEST. BIRTHDAY PRESENT. EVER.), Avatar the Last Airbender, and HGTV watching goin on around here. Which has actually been kind of nice.

Especially because, have you guys ever watched HGTV? I just discovered it about a month ago and I'm positively addicted. Seriously you guys, I watched it for four hour straight on Friday. I haven't watched that much TV all at one time in years. But it's fantastic. I'M. OBSESSED. It's probably a really good thing that we don't have cable at our house because our house would probably get cleaned a lot less frequently than it already does.


Speaking of which, does anyone else feel like a failure at cleaning their house? Because I feel like everyone I know has amazingly clean houses and I haven't vacummed in an embarassingly long amount of time, so I feel like a failure. I just can't seem to keep up with it. Maybe it's because I do things like blog. For example, I could be folding laundry right now, but obviously I'm not. But honestly, I don't feel like I waste time very often. I feel like I'm constantly busy, but nothing gets done. How does that even work? Really though, I'm beyond frustrated. I've just come to accept the fact that I over schedule myself and I probably always will, so I should probably just get used to it.

Or maybe I could work on not over scheduling myself. I've tried though, and it never works. Just sayin'.

Tomorrow is leap day. February has an extra day, but it's still short. I can't help but wonder why we don't just take a couple of days away fromt he months that have 31 days and give them to February. Why did it get stuck with just 28 days anyway?

Also, any of you ladies going to propose to your boyfriend tomorrow? If nothing else you should at least watch Leap Year with Amy Adams. It's one of my favorite chick flicks of all time. That's what I plan on doing anyway.

Also, I was just thinking about this post and it made me think about how weird blogging is. For example, I'm wondering why it is that I felt so compelled to tell you all that I love HGTV, have been sick, have watched a lot of TV, and want a dog? I really have no idea.

But, let's be honest, I mostly wrote this post so I could post pictures of my new niece and nephew.