On Living

I was on an early evening walk with Ruby and the little guy the other day and I was reminded if how much I really love Summer. Usually in late May or early June I fall completely head over heels for Summer. I even think, for a little while, that it's my favorite season (until It starts to get 90 degrees and I remember that Fall is actually my favorite, but that's pretty irrelevant to this post.). Irises (one of my favorite flowers) are in bloom, the air is warm, the sun is bright, and you can go outside without five layers of clothes, and fresh cherries and corn are here (don't even get me started. I will talk your ear off about my love for fresh cherries and corn. Speaking of which, my very favorite stand that sells fresh cherries and corn right by my house isn't there this year. But, that is also really irrelevant to this post. But if you have a favorite fruit/veggie stand please direct me towards it.)

But, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what this post is about, so all of the irrelevant stuff I mention has the potential to be relevant I suppose.

Almost all of my favorite memories as a child are from the Summertime. Summertime as a child is almost as good as Christmas in a child in my book. And thus far being a mom to little kiddos during the Summer has proven to be almost as good as Christmas as a parent. There is just nothing like watching kids discover the outside world. My heart just sings songs of happiness and gratitude pretty much every time I'm outside with my kiddos.
I think the thing about Summer is that it always reminds me of how good I have it. It was, after all, the Summer of 2012 that I learned the valuable lesson of living, and I mean truly living- not just surviving, in the present instead of in the future. Living in the present is a particularly hard thing to do in the midst of a great trial, but it must be done at some point in time or you will always be miserable.

And so, since Summer reminds me of how good I have it, lately I have been thinking a lot about how good I have it.
And I think I have it pretty good. I am seriously grateful every single day for my little family, even on hard days. Let me tell you I am obsessed with those three lovely people and my little dog too.

I read this the other day that talked about how the writer felt like other people thought she lived in a fantasy land or didn't own up to her trials, is just lying to herself etc., because she's too optimistic and positive.
Her post really struck me because I feel like that sometimes. I feel like people don't really believe me when I say my life is really good and that I'm really happy. I feel like people think I don't live in reality. And, who knows, maybe I don't. I mean, I know I can be a bit oblivious at times, but that doesn't make any of what I say less true, right? I really am happy. I really do love my life.
She also talked about how every day is filled with good, bad, beautiful, ugly, etc.
A friend in my ward once gave a talk in church that I've never forgotten (obviously). In her talk she said that things are almost never 100% good or 100% bad. Everything comes with blessings and challenges. You always have both. I've stopped thinking of good and bad as separate things, but as a ying and yang sort of thing. To quote the post I read,

"So why try to separate life into piles of good and piles of bad? Instead, let it be one big pile of everything - and let the good cast a rosy glow over everything else, until you can believe that your whole life is good.
Because it probably is. "

 It's the parts that we focus on that really count.
I mean yes, some days I am so frustrated and tired. But the moments that my kiddos make me happy far outweigh either of those things. Yes, Jayson has been working like a billion hours a week these days. (ok, maybe a billion is an exaggeration, but 75 is not.) But, we have extra money, which helps me be able to stay home with my kiddos. Plus, these crazy hours are not going to last forever. Yes, my house is a disaster pretty much all of the time. But, it's a disaster because I'm spending time with my kiddos and loved ones and because it's Summer and who wants to stay inside and clean?! And maybe my little boy is quite possibly leaving me forever in the near future, but right now I'm soaking up every second I can with him.

*side note, I think foster care also gives a really unique perspective to life because you know that things may not be as they are forever, so it forces you to live in the present and enjoy it. I love it.

So, obviously my life is far from perfect. It is really hard at times. But that doesn't mean I can't be happy. It doesn't mean I can't love my little life. It doesn't mean life isn't good to me. Life is so SO good to me.

And, going back to the post I linked, life isn't about just the good times. It's about everything. It's the good, the bad, the lovely, the hideous, the slow, the fast, the smiles, and the tears. Everything is what makes life beautiful. I want it all.

I have made an important discovery over the past year or so. Hard times are the worst, but don't you get such an amazing feeling of satisfaction when they're over? Especially if you feel like you stayed strong for the most part and/or learned a great lesson? It's like the feeling you get after a really hard work out or that feeling you get when the Summer sun is too hot, but you're out in it and enduring it anyway. Because even though it's so hot you can't stand it, it kind of feels really good. Right? Am I alone on this one? That feeling of "I did it! And I'm so glad I did, even if I don't ever want to do it again!" Because all of these experiences are what it is to truly live. Not just to survive, but to live.

(Jana, I had to borrow this because this picture is the essence of what I'm talking about. You know how to really live and I admire your zest for life.)

“And all the host laughed and wept, and in the midst of their merriment and tears the clear voice of the minstrel rose like silver and gold, and all men were hushed. And he sang to them, now in the Elven-tongue, now in the speech of the West, until their hearts, wounded with sweet words, overflowed, and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.” -J.R.R. Tolkien (also quoted in the post I linked)

Winter and Other Random Musings

I've been thinking a lot about winter lately.
I guess, probably because it's winter.

But anyway.

A lot of people really hate winter. I won't lie, I don't love temperatures below freezing either, but I realized this week that I can't imagine life without winter. I've never known a winter without snow and I'm glad.

This past weekend we had one of the best weekends ever. I knew the weather was supposed to be bad, so I decided not to plan anything. Actually, I made it a goal to not leave the house for all of Saturday. (which I failed at because we remembered that we had tithing settlement.) There is just something so splendid about wearing leggings and a sweater all day and not changing out little guy out of his cute Christmas jammies. We just hung around, watched movies, made Christmas sugar cookies, put up Christmas decoration, and danced around. We did go play outside in the snow for a few minutes and taught our little guy how to throw snowballs (which he now likes to do every time we go outside) and make snow angels. It was the best! Plus, little kiddos in all of their winter gear (hats, gloves, boots, etc) is just about the cutest of things ever. (especially when the winter gear is has dinosaur spikes and the hat ties at the chin and squishes he cheeks just right, so that they're nice and round. And our little guys loves his boots and when he runs in them it's just the best.) And we even let Ruby out to run free around the yard and she had the time of her life prance/jumping through it. On Sundays we almost always go to a family dinner of some sort, but we decided to just stay home with our little family. We watched a Christmas movie and when we were dancing to the closing credits I was overcome with joy and gratitude for the moment.

Also, on Saturday night Jayson and I stayed up ridiculously late watching TV shows after our little guy went to bed and it was such a fun and simple little date.

So, sometimes cold and snowy days force you to say inside all weekend and those weekends turn out to be the best. Few things are better than being warm and cozy inside when it's cold outside, right? There's just something about it. And sweaters! Few things in life are as good as sweaters.

Also, I'm really into hot chocolate with real mini marshmallows (as in, not the kind that come in the hot chocolate packs, but the kind that you buy seperately). It's a party.

And temple square is soooo pretty during Christmastime. It always makes me think fondly of our wedding day. I can't get enough of those little bubble lights in the reflection pond!

I also just love when everything is covered in freshly fallen snow. It makes everything seem so peaceful and surreal in the best possible way.

Spring (in my step)

I'm having one of those weeks.

No, not one of those weeks.

One of the ones where life just feels sooooo good.

Maybe it's all of the sunshine and BBQ food I've been eating?

We had our very first BBQ with an actual grill. Jayson was crazy-excited to be "the grill master."

BBQ's are one of my all time favorite things (Oh hot dogs! They're just delicious) and it was so much fun to be able to host one with a real grill at our very own house with these lovely people.

I seriously feel like I have the greatest support group in the whole entire world. My friends and family are just the best. I know I say it all of the time and so many others do too, but I truly mean it from the very deepest part of my heart.

Most particularly my husband. He's always my greatest cheerleader. He's always there to help out, to listen, and to laugh with me. 

Also, I feel like people are one of the biggest sources of joy. I love getting together with people, whether it's for a fun trip, a wedding, baby blessing, family dinner, lunch on Tuesday, etc. People just make the most simple events simply lovely and it's so much to share the big events with those that you love. And sharing other people's moments is just as wonderful. Few things put a bigger smile on my face than when the people I love have good news. Gah! My people are just the greatest. 

And my house. I still just love it so much. Every now and then I catch myself thinking about our second house and then I remember that means we'll have to move out of this one and it makes me want to cry. I adore my cute little house. I love that we've put so much work into it to make it our own. I think it's turned out really nicely and the we're just beginning on the back yard. Oh that back yard!!! It's such a pain sometimes, but honestly, it's one of the biggest reasons that the thought of ever moving makes me so sad. Let me tell you, we have big dreams for that big piece of land.

I love my Ruby pup. She's just the cutest. She makes my life more complete and she's the biggest sweetheart. I'm obsessed.

On Sunday I was looking through my instagrams. Oh, how I love my instagrams! I think my instagram pictures are actually a fairly accurate representation of my life. Each picture reminds me of a lovely time. They remind me that wonderful things happen on perfectly average days and how much beauty is all around me.

Yesterday was beautiful. I was rather late for work because I was enjoying being outside with Miss Ruby. We took a walk around the neighborhood, enjoyed the morning sun, and soaked in the views of spring blossoms on the trees. After work it was windy, but the air was warm and felt a little humid. It almost reminded me of being Maui and it was delightful. 

I was just telling Jayson today that I don't like when people say things like, "High school days are the best days of your life!" or "Your mission is the best two years of your life." Or, "It doesn't get better than the college years." Don't get me wrong, I think all of those things are fantastic. I didn't go on a mission, but i really liked high school in general and college was, hands down, one of my favorite times in life. But, why should we let the fact that those things were good destroy any hope for future goodness? I mean, if we put in our minds that those were the best times of our lives, is it all down hill from there? When Jayson was on his mission his mission president said, "I hope these are not the best two years of your life. I hope that you don't look back after having a family and say, 'man, my mission was the best and it was all down hill from there.'"

 I want every time in my life to be the best. I know that's not always going to be the case. I know there are going to be hard times, but there are always things to look forward to. There is always beauty. There can be celebration in each and every day if we look for it. So, I'm making a resolve right here and right now to always make each and every time of life just as good, if not better, as the last.

Because, while i loved high school and college dearly, I love right now even more. I feel like Jayson and I have really established a new family culture that is all our own. I feel more and more all of the time that we are our own little family and I LOVE that. It's been a really rich experience combining what we were taught and making our own lives/way of life. It's like we're a team now, ya know?

And tomorrow it is May. I love it when May comes.

And there are so many blossoms. I love blossoms on trees!

I've been thinking about these ones:

Oh this tree! I've got to get myself to Cache Valley to see this tree before Spring is over. I miss good 'ol Cache like you wouldn't believe.

And soon it will be time to go camping!!!

Life is just plain good.

On Some Things I'm Really Grateful For

I know, I know. I'm an entire week late.

But still. Gratitude is something we should have all of the time anyway and not just one day a year right?

Let me just tell you, I had some grand plans for November. I was going to keep a journal and write about the things I was grateful for every day. And I was going to do a post a week about adoption because it's adoption awareness month. And I was going to get so many things I've been putting on the back burner done because November is one of the slower months, right? But somehow it ended up not being slow and at all and none of those things got done. I haven't even folded my laundry for like three weeks. Seriously. It's all sitting in our extra bedroom in a big heaping pile.

So, what has been keeping me so busy, you ask? That's the funny thing. I don't even know.

Anyway, back to the point of this post.

On Thanksgiving my mother in law had everyone write things they were grateful for on this gigantic paper and then we're going to take it out in two years when it's the year for the all of the Kim side to eat together again and see how things have changed and progressed and such. I thought it was a brilliant idea! After that I wanted to write a post about each thing I wrote on there, but now it's been a week and I can't remember all of them, but I'll do my best.

• I'm grateful for Jayson. I'm so grateful to have a husband that supports me in everything I do. I'm grateful that he's stuck with me even though sometimes I'm a crazy person. I'm grateful he helps me with chores, that we have a relationship full of trust, and that we can always depend on one another. He is always there to hold/pick me up when I'm down. I'm so grateful that we love to spend time with each other, that we laugh together, and that we enjoy the simple little moments like a big home made breakfast on a lazy Saturday morning. And he let me get a dog. What a wonderful guy!
• I'm grateful for Ruby. You guys she really is the best dog! She doesn't destroy thing, she's a sweetheart, she minds really well, she's fun, she's friendly...I could go on. I just love her. She makes my heart so happy. There are very VERY few things better than an excited dog greeting you at the door when you come home from work. And when she wags her tail her whole bum moves! It's the cutest thing ever. Did I mention she's super adorable? 

 She LOVES to be outside and run. It was so fun to see how excited she got over the snow! 

Here she's waiting for Jayson to come back inside from the garage. Adorable!

• My family. I honestly have the best family you could ever ask for, in-laws and all! Everyone is always loving and supportive of one another. For the most part everyone gets along, there's not constant drama, and we love to spend time together. I feel so blessed to know that there are so many people that are there to love and support me when I really need it. I'm grateful to know that I have people I can call to come over and help me fix a section of my fence that fell over when Jayson had to work super late (thanks Dad!). That's love. 
• My friends. I truly feel like I have the best people around me in the whole world. My friends are wonderful. All of them. My best friends, my friends I met in school, my ward friends, my friends from when I was little, new friends, friends of the family...you get the picture. I love every single one of them and it means to much to me to get to have them in my life. 
• Support. This kind of goes along with being thankful for my friends and family. Adoption has given me the opportunity to see how many people support and love us and I'm truly overwhelmed with gratitude  for the love and support that we have. You're all so wonderful. 
• Adoption. I am so grateful for the miracle of adoption. I'm grateful beyond words at the opportunity that it gives so many to be parents when they otherwise wouldn't be able to. I'm grateful that it's going to give us that opportunity. I'm grateful that we're able to be a part of it. I'm grateful for the birth mothers out there who make such an incredibly hard, courageous, and loving choice. You guys should really watch some of the videos found here. They're all stories from the birth mother's perspective. They're wonderful. Also, this article is really great. It gives a lot of perspectives on adoption that you don't normally get to hear, like the adoptee, the birth father, the birth grandparent, etc. I highly recommend it. 
• The temple. My friend from my ward recently went to the temple for the first time and she invited me to come. It was such a great reminder of the wonderful blessings we receive there. She was so happy that day and I was just giddy with happiness for her. Adoption has also made me even more grateful for the sealing power than I was before. Even though we can't have children our adopted children can still be sealed to us and we can be together forever, just the same as if we had given birth to them. What an amazing blessing!

I could go on and on with this list, but these are the things I've been thinking about the most lately. We truly are so blessed. We have all of the things I've listed, we have the gospel, we have always had enough food to eat and clothes to wear. We have good jobs that support us. We have a roof over our head. And we really love our lives. 

Thanks.

Yup, I have for you yet another post of thanks. I can't help it, I'm just sort of obsessed with gratitude these days!

• Jobs. Jayson and I both have pretty good full time jobs. We are INCREDIBLY grateful for this right now, especially because of how the economy is right now.


• The telephone. How great is the phone?! I live fairly far from my very best friends (except Jayson of course) and when I can't talk to them in person, my second choice is the phone, hands down.


• The internet. Two of my very best friends are on missions and I LOVE getting their weekly updates via email. One of them is in the Dominic Republic, and let me tell you, good old fashioned mail takes FOREVER to get from there to here.


• Charitable souls. A great tragedy struck one of my mom's closest friend's grandchildren. They are having a raffle this Saturday to help raise money for these kids. (If anyone is interested in donating something to raffle off, or even just some money, let me know; they really need it.) My mom was telling people at work about this to see if anyone wanted to donate something and a couple of days ago an envelope was left on her desk with a hundred dollar bill in it and no name was left on it. This person didn't want any recognition for this charity, he/she just wanted to help. This really touched my heart so much and I'm so grateful for their example.
• Those small little personal revelations that say, "Everything is going to be alright." or "You are doing the right thing." I am even the ones that say, "You should do this instead" are great, although they are hard sometimes.
• Harry Potter!!! Ok, so this may seem like something that doesn't belong on a list of things I'm thankful for, but it's Harry Potter Eve... how could I leave him out? I'm SO excited for this movie and I think it's really important to have fun and have things that you look forward to. Harry Potter really helped me learn to love reading. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. It may sound really cheesey, but it has genuinely impacted my life for the better.
• Last, but most definately NOT least....my husband. He came home the other day so excited to show me a song he heard on the radio by Brad Paisley. We LOVE Brad Paisley. I know a lot of people aren't big country lovers, but we really like the style of music and Brad Paisley has some really awesome lyrics that are just about really good things. This song is perfect for my life right now, and that's why Jayson was so excited to show it to me. I have been feeling really inadequate lately...in just about everything I do. So, this song really made me smile.

I'll now post you the lyrics for you. If you don't like country...watch out. I think you can hear the twang just by reading the lyrics.

VERSE 1
To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account;
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house;
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare;
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair;

Well that's all right, that's OK.
If you don't feel important, Honey,
All I've got to say is


CHORUS
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world


VERSE 2
To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip;
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip;
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout,
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out,
That's alright, that's OK.
When you don't feel important, Honey,
All I've got to say is

(Chorus)

You think you're one of millions
But you're one in a million to me.
When you wonder if you matter, Baby,
Look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see
You're everything to me?

That's alright, that's OK.
When you don't feel important, Honey,
All I've gotta say is

(Chorus)
And in closing I'd like to wish you all a....
HAPPY HARRY POTTER EVE!

The Secret Key

Isn't it funny how we are taught certain principles when we are younger, but no matter how many times someone tells you something it just doesn't click until you really learn it for yourself?
I have had one of these moments in the past little while with a small and simple truth:
GRATITUDE.

This all began with the genetic translocation that I have you..you know, the one that is most likely going to make it very hard for me to have children. This has been a really big deal for me, especially since I have been married and having children has become an option. It is my greatest and deepest desire. I am sure you know, it is not easy to feel like you can't have you most desire and there's nothing that you can do about it. In fact, facing this trial may be the hardest thing I have ever done.

I have also been down the past month or so about not having some really awesome job with my college degree. I have a job that doesn't even require a degree, let alone the one that I have. This didn't bother me at first, but when I saw some of the amazing things that my friends are doing now that they are graduated I started feeling like I have a pretty lame life.

This all comes down to one thing: INGRATITUDE.

The other day the receptionist at my work posted something on our inter-company website. She said that when she was going through a divorce she told her sister that she felt like everyone around her was happily in love, that everyone else had what she wanted. Her sister turned to her and told her that if she had no children then all she would do is look at the happy couples with their children.
This really hit home. How often do I sit during Sacrament meeting and just stare longingly and jealously at the families with their little children on the benches? How often do I think to myself that it's unfair that everyone gets what I want except me. I realized as soon as I read what the receptionist's sister had said I knew what I needed to do. I need to be focusing on what I HAVE instead of dwelling on what I WANT, but do not have.

This beautiful revolution came more into view when I watched General Conference and our dear Prophet, President Monson gave his talk about gratitude.

So, the past few days I have been really trying to focus on being grateful for what I have. I have really tried to see how blessed I am....and do you know what? I am SO happy. The past few days have been a slice of heaven. It's not the kind of happy you get when you get your dream job, it's the kind that is a great joyful peace that fills your entire being. I feel AMAZING. I haven't been this happy in a really long time....maybe ever. I don't want to give the impression that I wasn't happy before...this is untrue. I had been in a bit of a slump for a month or so, but even then I wasn't incredibly sad. For the most part I was loving life and I was a happy person. I am just even more happy right now. I just feel like everything is right. Nothing has changed except I decided to focus on things that I am thankful for. I just know with my whole soul that everything has a time and a place and everything that is suppose to be happening right now are happening and the ones that aren't happening shouldn't be right now. For the first time, in over a year, when I think of the fact that I do not have a child right now I do not get sad. Not even one little bit. Do I still want children? Oh yes, just as much as before. I just know that it's so key that they come at the right time and I am not sad or resentful that the right time is not now. I know that whenever they come will be the right time and I am grateful for that peace and knowledge. I am utterly and completely happy. I feel so whole and new.

I am so blessed and I can't believe that I'm just now realizing exactly how blessed I am.
I have an amazing husband who helps me get through tough times, who laughs with me, who loves me, and who treats me as an equal. I have great family members that love me dearly. I have the most amazing parents. Did you know that when I got married in the temple and they were not able to come in to see me get sealed they did not utter one word of complaint? Not ONE. They just loved and supported me. Both sets of my parents and my in laws let us use their washer and drier and feed us all of the time. I have never ever heard them complain about that either. I have never missed a meal because I didn't have enough food or money to buy food with. Not once. I have always had a roof over my head.
I remember a girl I knew a year or so back; she couldn't pay her rent. If she lost her apartment, she would have nowhere to go. I have never had to feel like that. If I couldn't afford to live and I was putting forth my best efforts I could name a handful of places that I could go. A WHOLE handful. I have the most caring friends in the world. I am part of a wonderful church that teaches me beautiful truths like Gratitude.

I heard a woman by the name of Gianna Jessen once say that suffereing can be beautiful. I love that phrase. I think all to often we forget to see the beauty in suffereing. I have never learned more precious truths than I have when I am in a time of trial and suffering.

I am here to tell you that those simple lessons on gratitude they've been trying to teach us for years are TRUE.

Gratitude is the secret of life,
the key to happiness.