Reading Books and Other Things

I know I just barely wrote yesterday and I basically never post two days in a row...but I just feel like writing. So, there you go.

So, lately I've been thinking...Hey! Maybe I should get a job.

Because in case you didn't know I haven't been working since June. I quit my job in June. It's a long story, but just in case you're wondering I was pretty happy about it.

So, I've been voluntarily unemployed all Summer. And you know what? It's kind of the been the best thing ever. For some reason I feel really weird and pathetic saying that, but it's the best. It's not that I just love to bum around all day (although some days that is nice). But, I've loved having things to do that I've always wanted to do. I'm learning to actually love to cook. I love getting things around the house accomplished (well, sometimes). I love that I'm able to babysit so often for my family and friends. I have more opportunities to serve. I started sewing and crocheting again, things I've been wanting to do for FOREVER. And I've been reading. Sometimes I forget how much I really love to read!
But, more on reading later.

So. Yes. A job.

It's not that I really hated my previous job. The people were really wonderful, the benefits were really nice, the PTO was fantastic, and it was a good company to work for. But, man, the actual job I was doing...well. Let's just say it wasn't my very favorite. It was my this-job-is-just-temporary-until-I-have-a-baby sort of job. And, well. It was a 3 1/2 year temporary job is what it was. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't quit sooner, but then I remember that trying to find a job whilst putting all of your energy into infertility treatments/adoption process/foster care process really just wasn't going to happen anyway.

So, I feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads/maybe quarter life crisis sort of point. Not a quarter life crisis in a regretful sort of way, but more of a confused sort of crisis. I liken unto that fact that this past month I've bee SO ready for Summer to be over, but then not at all ready for Fall yet, so I've just been sitting in Limbo and really confused about what I actually want things to be. Which is super weird because Fall is my favorite and by the start of August I'm always ready for it to be here. (Worry not though, we're over that. We're in full let-it-be-fall mode over here.)

Because, for the most part, I don't regret my choices. I just don't really know what to choose next.

So, let me just tell you. I want to get a job (well, ok, half of the time I want to), but it's confusing. I really really want to be a stay at home mom once I have kids. It might seem really weird and silly to many, but it's my life's ambition. That's my dream job. I know it's not glamorous and some might think I'm not reaching high enough or that I'm not achieving enough. I know it's not everyone's goal and we all have different dreams. I'm not saying that it better be your dream too or else. I'm just saying it's mine. But, of course, the timing of that is a mystery.
And, here's the thing. I know I shouldn't put my life on hold waiting for things. But, also, there is a good chance that we might be doing foster care (more about that later.) if adoption doesn't work out soon. And, working is not highly recommended when you're a foster parent, especially if younger children are placed in your home. Also, when you're a foster parent you don't usually have much notice of when a child is coming, so what do you tell your employer? "Hey, we had a foster child placed in our home last night, so basically I'm not working anymore, Peace!" I mean, I just really don't know.

Also, I feel like I've finally gotten into a really great grove of this being at home thing where I'm actually pretty productive most of the time and accomplishing most of the things I want to. And loving it. And being pretty good at it. And those sorts of things.

Anyway, I've been job searching tonight and there are quite a few jobs that look really appealing. Like, ones that would use my degree and everything! But, again, I just don't even know what to do.

I could just get some temporary jobs or something. But, I don't want to get stuck at a job I don't like very much again, thank you very much.

What I actually want to do instead of make money is to spend it on school. I think it would be so wonderful to study literature (we'll get to the whole reading part of this post eventually, I swear). I have a few friends that are really passionate about art history and they always make me want to study that whenever they talk about it. I also want to get a degree in Social Work. And writing! I have learned that I love to write. And people have told me I'm pretty good it. I never really knew! So, what I really want to do is to never work, but to always learn. But, well, school doesn't pay for our really expensive COBRA insurance. Without which, I might not be so stressed about this job thing. Because, you sort of have to have health insurance to adopt and insurance companies aren't very keen to insure infertile people. Another time though, it's a story for another time.

And, don't worry. We're not starving or anything. We're fine. It's just that extra money would be very helpful. Especially for saving up. Especially if we decide do adopt through a private agency because...shoot. That's expensive.

Although, if I were I student I could probably get student health insurance. Now, there really might be something there...

But, the semester has already started, so really there isn't anything that can be done about that right now. I always tend to think of these sort of things too late in the game.

But then, somewhere in the midst of job searching I got distracted by books and decided that I think the best solution is that I stay home and read all of the time because I have now compiled a list of no less than 30 books that I want to read right this very second. I want to get lost in their lovely stories while I soak in the tub, lay in the sun, or snuggle up on the couch with my big white afghan with Ruby at on the floor next to the couch, also snuggled up in my big white afghan. Man I love that afghan. I love the way it feels, the way it looks....anyway. Now we're getting way off topic.

What I really meant for this post to be about was reading. But, I guess I just needed to get that job stuff out of my system or something.

So, I want to show you my list of books.

• The William Joyce books (the ones that the movie The Rise of the Guardians was based off of.  I've actually already read a couple of them. They're delightful.)
• Chronicles of Narnia- Obviously I've already read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but still.
• Great Expectations
• A Tale of Two Cities- I sort of read this once in High School and I really liked it, but I never finished it. I have a bad habit of not finishing books.
• Peter Pan- I've actually read this a couple of times before, but it's one of my very favorites.
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• James and the Giant Peach
• The Grass Harp-I've also read this. It's another favorite.
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer- I can't believe I've never read this. My dad loves this book. You guys, my dad does not read. Well, actually he reads hunting, fishing, and taxidermy magazines. But, not books. So, this is a big deal.
• Winnie the Pooh
• Little Women- I started this one and never finished it. You guys, it's a problem.
• The Secret Garden
• Matilda
• Anne of Green Gables
• The Little Prince
• Alice in Wonderland
• The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
• Mary Poppins
• East of Eden

And a few that I've never heard much about, but just found on lists on the internet that look fun

• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
• Boy by Roald Dahl
• The Witches
• The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

So, apparently I'm pretty into children's literature. 

And, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there are not thirty bullets. But, let us remember that some of the bullets are series, so I promise there are at least thirty. What are your favorite books? What books do you recommend? I kind of want to do something crazy like read fifty books in a year or something. Probably that won't actually happen, but still. I just want all of you to tell me what books you love. Or what books you think I would love. I want a book list that goes on forever. 

For a second I thought about starting a book club. Some of you may remember that I tried that once. It was pretty small and we read one book and that was the end of that. So, obviously I'm the worst book club president ever.

Also, there are about a hundred crafts that I want to make, but I will bore you with that some other time.

Sorry you guys. I know, I know. This post is the craziest.

Over and out.

Once Upon a Logan

There's just something about this place. 

Jayson and I decided that we needed a little get away so we decided to go up to Logan for a Saturday a couple of weekends ago. 

Few things make my heart happier than this little place.

Because it's so lovely. It holds so many happy memories. It's the place the place where I made some of the happiest memories with some of my best friends. It's where I made so many new, dear friends. It was the first place that I was really on my own, where I started my very own life. We spent our first year of marriage here. It just feels like it's the place where everything began.

I think I've gotten over the it-feels-weird-to-be-in-Logan-and-not-have-it-be-my-home-and-not-be-in-school-anymore thing. Although, if I'm being honest I'd have to say that for like five minutes it made both Jayson and me wish we were in school again. 

When I spend a fair amount of time in any one place I tend to find places that are mine. Or, at least, that feel like mine. There are SO many of those sort of places in Logan. I feel like they all hold a little bit of me inside of them. 

Remember how I used to work with pigeons in here?

I always thought these were super cool.

Do you see all of that ivy on the side of that building? That place is mine. Those leaves change color in the fall time. It's glorious. And that building behind it is the TSC. I basically lived there most of the time. Also, inside it is the most comfy couch you will ever nap on. A couch which is, of course, mine. 

Ever since my first time ever on campus I fell in love with this fountain. I remember it being under construction a lot or often turned off when it was too cold, so it being on has always felt like a rare treat. 

This place wasn't mine, but I have ever intention of making it so. It's so lovely. 

I'm sure you'd agree in saying that this place is yours too. I think everyone that has ever gone to USU have probably fallen in love with Old Main.

But...has everyone been in the bell tower? I mean, not in the part with the bell (which, I think is actually electronic and not actually a bell. and the door is ALWAYS locked.), but in the place just below it. Please ignore my reflection and notice the lovely view.

Be still my heart.

See? It's pretty high up there. 

And this pathway! Few things are better than this pathway. 

But alas, one of my spots is missing. The old Aggie Science building used to be where all of that grass is. I will forever miss that computer lab. Those computer chairs were the best.

And the Logan Temple It's one of my favorites because it's pretty unique and it was our temple for the first year of our marriage. Also, one of my favorite trees of all time is in front of it. 

So, now I'm trying to hatch a plan wherein we move back to Cache Valley. Any ideas?

The Thing About Harry Potter

Wherein I explain to you how Harry Potter relates to my current life.

So, as I said before, I've been re-reading all of the Harry Potter books this Summer. Back in May I was in need of a great distraction and we were also in need of a story to listen to on the way to my dad's property, and so it began.

It seems like every time I re-read the series I have different favorites and different least favorites. Different things strike me and different things really speak to me. But, one thing is for sure, I always love them.

This time was no exception. In fact, I think this time I really connected with them more than ever before.

The first few books were delightful as usual. I always love reading the first one because I love reading about Harry discovering the wizarding world for the first time. It's so magical. Pun intended. You're welcome. And I love reading about Harry and Ron becoming friend and then later how they become friends with Hermione. I love meeting so many of the characters I love for the first time. It's just such a sweet beginning and it makes my heart smile.

And then comes the fourth book. The fourth book was the hardest and (much to my surprise) probably my least favorite this time around. I still loved it, of course, but man. The fourth book is hard. It's where things start to really get serious. People start dying. Lord Voldemort comes back. The fun and games are over. We're in the big leagues now. And that sort of thing. Plus, I sort of hate the Triwizard Tournament. It makes me SO anxious.

The fifth book is always my least favorite. However, I was surprised to find that this time around it was actually one of my favorites. This is where the story started to sink deep into my heart, connecting with me, and where re-reading these books turned out to be exactly what I needed. From the wise old age of 25 I've come to appreciate the beauty in all of the terribleness that is the fifth book. Yes it drags. Yes Umbridge is awful. Yes Harry is crazy. But, if we're being honest I've been the craziest over the Summer, so I really connected to crazy Harry. I was just like, "Don't even worry Harry. I totally get it. Sometimes life is really hard and your emotions are right on the edge all of the time and with the slightest disturbance they will explode. I feel ya." We really get each other, crazy Harry and me.

And the sixth book. Oh, the sixth book. It was my favorite and I do believe that it is my actual, true favorite. I love it every time. This is actually a really odd fact, considering how much I love and adore Dumbledore. I always cry when he dies. ALWAYS. Both in the book and the movie. So, that part is awful, but the rest of it...oh it's just grand. I read the first two chapters this time and I was like, "This one is my favorite!" I loved it so much, in fact, that I stayed up until four in the morning finishing it one night. I haven't stayed up until four in the morning since....I don't even know when. Maybe since my days as a student? I love chapter 2, Spinner's End, even though its fairly creepy. I just like the way it flows and how it sounds. And Dumbledore just keeps getting more awesome.  And everything in it is just really great.

Let us take a moment to appreciate how beautiful chapter twenty-three, Horcruxes, is. I cried. It's just the best. It's a beautiful description of the power of love.

..."Yes, you have," said Dumbledore firmly. "You have a power that
Voldemort has never had. You can --"
"I know!" said Harry impatiently. "I can love!" It was only with difficulty
that he stopped himself adding, "Big deal!"...
...It is essential that you understand this!" said Dumbledore, standing up
and striding about the room, his glittering robes swooshing in his wake;
Harry had never seen him so agitated. "By attempting to kill you, Voldemort
himself singled out the remark-able person who sits here in front of me, and
gave him the tools for the job! It is Voldemort's fault that you were able to
see into his thoughts, his ambitions, that you even understand the snakelike
language in which he gives orders, and yet, Harry, despite your privileged
insight into Voldemort's world (which, incidentally, is a gift any Death Eater
would kill to have), you have never been se-duced by the Dark Arts, never,
even for a second, shown the slight-est desire to become one of Voldemort's
followers!"
"Of course I haven't!" said Harry indignantly. "He killed my mum and
dad!"
"You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!" said Dum-bledore
loudly. "The only protection that can possibly work against the lure of power
like Voldemort's! In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the
suffering, you remain pure of heart, just as pure as you were at the age of
eleven, when you stared into a mir-ror that reflected your heart's desire, and
it showed you only the way to thwart Lord Voldemort, and not immortality
or riches. Harry, have you any idea how few wizards could have seen what
you saw in that mirror?

"Voldemort should have known then what he was

dealing with, but he did not! But he knows it now. You have flitted into Lord
Voldemort's mind without damage to yourself, but he cannot possess you
with-out enduring mortal agony, as he discovered in the Ministry. I do not
think he understands why, Harry, but then, he was in such a hurry to mutilate
his own soul, he never paused to understand the incomparable power of a
soul that is untarnished and whole."...
...But he understood at last what Dumbledore had been trying to tell him. It

was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face

a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high.

Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the

two ways, but Dumble-dore knew -- and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush

of fierce pride, and so did my parents -- that there was all the difference in

he world.

The incomparable power of a soul that is untarnished and whole. I love that. The power of a soul that is full of love and filled with the desire to do good.
One of my favorite things about the Harry Potter books are the characters. I love so many of them. I love how different they all are, but also how truly good so many of them are. I've come to find lately just how wonderful it is to love and to be loved. When in trying times there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that there are people who truly care for you, who are routing you on. There's something truly wonderful about having people that love and know you well enough to know exactly how to help you when you're down. There is nothing that protects you more from letting trying times get the best of you than those you love. Love is truly our greatest protection from choosing the light over the dark. It's also the way that we can continue to see the light even when we are enduring dark times. Love and the faith that from great acts of love good things will happen, that is the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to death and walking into the arena with your head held high. For me having faith in the love of my Savior and having loved ones around me to give me strength is that difference. Faith in knowing that because He loves me He will always direct me to the best path. How you endure things and what you choose to gain from them is everything. It's never about what you endure, but how you endure. It's so hard for me to remember that sometimes and I definitely don't always endure things well, but what a great reminder of one of the loveliest of truths. 

And, doesn't the seventh book frustrate you? It always frustrates me. But, this time I felt like I understood it more perfectly than every before. It's frustrating in the most perfect of ways. This time in reading the seventh book I didn't bask in the victory of the great battle as I normally do, but I reveled in frustration and hardship of the hunt for the horcruxes and in the victory of finally finding them and figuring everything out. Mainly, I think, because these days I feel rather like I'm in the midst of a hunt for horcruxes. Particularly at the part where they have discovered that the sword of Gryffindor is what they need to kill the horcuxes, but they haven't a clue how to obtain it. During this part Harry, Ron, and Hermione are mad. They're confused. They're...frustrated. They have no idea what they're doing. They have a few things that lead them in the right direction, but for the most part they're lost. Things do not look promising for them. From where they're standing when moving from camp to camp it doesn't seem like there's any possible way they'll ever figure everything out. There are too many road blocks and they feel doomed. They can't figure out why Dumbledore didn't take the time to explain everything for them. 

You guys, this is how it feels sometimes when dealing with the great battle of infertility/adoption. I'm frustrated, confused and lost. I don't understand why I can't know what God's plan for me is or how or when it's going to unfold. I feel like I keep hitting road block after road block. I keep getting set back and no matter how hard I try things often end up feeling pointless and a waste of time. I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes it feels like building my family is never meant to work out. I might as well be hunting horcuxes with random bits of knowledge, a book of children's tales, an old snitch, and a deluminator. 

But, slowly, but surely, drop by drop, things start to work out for the great trio. They start figuring out that Dumbledore knew exactly what he was doing and he left them certain things for a reason. There was a reason that they needed to figure things out for themselves instead of having him tell them everything. Things worked out better in the end because they had to discover things for themselves. Harry needed time to work out the horcruxes vs hallows battle in order to make the right choice. Dumbledore knew that. He knew Ron would need the deluminator, that he wold always want to come back. They just needed to have faith in Dumbledore and that he had reasons for the way he did things. Having faith in Dumbledore was very hard, I'm sure. Especially since what he left them with was confusing and seemed like only half of what they needed. And because he was a human and imperfect. He had made great mistakes before. But, they knew in their hearts what was right and they continued onward no matter how hard things got.  

How lucky are we to have a Heavenly Father that is perfect and all knowing to put our faith and trust in? How much easier is it knowing that the person I have to put my faith in someone who is all knowing, someone who doesn't make mistakes. Even though things can be hard at times I know that if I put my faith in Him, He will show me the way. I know deep in my heart that I'm on the right path and that there is wisdom in what now appears to be madness. I know that things will unfold and someday I'll understand why things had to happen this way. I know that someday I'll understand why knowledge and understanding of His plan for me weren't given all at once. I'll know why the seemingly useless tools were given. I know I just need to trust Him. I just need to have faith. I need to be brave.

Like a Gryffindor.