"Whatever You Are...Be a Good One"

I've always liked this quote, but I have especially loved it lately. It's been coming to my mind so much and it's been exactly what I've needed to hear every time.

Over the past years I feel like in a lot of ways I feel like I've become a lesser version of myself than what I used to be. I know I've grown a lot and in a lot of ways that isn't actually true. But...
FACT: in some ways it is true.

Sometimes feelings of inadequacy creep in and I stop trying as hard to be better. And lately I've been feeling SOOO in adequate.

This past Summer was really great, but it was also really hard. I didn't realize how how big of a funk I was in until I was out of it. It was a great reminder that trials are for our good. I've known that for a long time, but it got really hard to remember there for a while. Sometimes you do have to break a little before you can be made better. This time I was able to learn that I am brave. I know that seems like such a small thing, but it has changed everything. It has given me the courage again to want to go out and try new things, even hard things. It's given me the strength to try harder to be better at everything I do. And, you know, the desire to actually leave my house.
In other words, it's given me the ability to strive to be my best self again.

And I've started to realize something. I started becoming a lesser version of myself because I stopped working at improving.
 Go figure, right?
Over the past years I haven't always been doing exactly what I want to do. I haven't gotten a dream job, I haven't become a mom, yadda yadda. You know. And so I think somewhere along the lines I stopped trying to do better at the things I was actually doing.
And then something changed. A flip was switched. Despite not knowing what path to take as far as a job was concerned I started working really hard to be the best house wife ever while we tried to figure everything out. And you know what? It was great. I loved it. I had a routine and things were going smoothly. I was making yummy dinners again, the house clean a good majority of the time, which left lots of time to spend with Jayson.

And the feelings of inadequacy and doubt started creeping in again. It seems like they always come. And then I remembered that I am brave and I can do hard things. While I've been feeling these things the quote that inspired this post keeps coming to mind, "What ever you are, be a good one." And you know what? I think it's working. I don't know why I have found this so astonishing. Obviously I don't do everything perfect. I still feel really inadequate fairly often. I still get frustrated at times and it is really hard. But, instead of cowering when things are hard I've started to really revel in it. I had forgotten the satisfaction that can come when you accomplish something hard. I've also seen that when I'm doing my best things fall into place and they work out. I mean, things don't just not fall apart, but they turn out really well over all. I am finding that I can be patient. I am finding that I love what I'm doing in life. Despite making mistakes, getting frustrated, and being/feeling in adequate I genuinely feel like I'm doing/did do a good job at the things I'm striving to do my best at.

On Growing Things

Apparently it just so happens to be Nation Infertility Awareness Week. 

I know, I know. It seems like there's an awareness week for everything these days, am I right?! But, since this one is near and dear to my heart I've decided to create some awareness, via this blog.

I know sometimes talk of infertility makes people uncomfortable, but can I just tell you that it's my favorite? I know, it's the weirdest thing. But, seriously. I will talk your ear off about it any day, any time. While it is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through it's also become a big part of me and I'm oddly in love with that part of me. Now, don't be confused. I'm definitely not in love with the fact that I'm infertile. But, I do love the person this trial has helped me become. I do love the fact that because of it I'm privileged to connect with so many wonderful, strong, amazing, and beautiful people. I'm glad that I get a little taste of what it feels like to be different from those around you and to be able to realize that different isn't always bad. It's just different. Infertility has created a fiery passion in me for womanhood, motherhood, adoption, foster care, the importance of families, and a love of children. 

Do you remember how I unknowingly wrote this post during infertility week last year? Ok, you probably didn't know that. But, man. That was one of my favorite posts to write. I could probably write a post about infertility at least every week (and I would probably enjoy it), but I figure people probably don't actually want to read my posts about it that much.

But, I am going to take advantage of this week and post one. Because I want to.

So, anyway. Growing things.

In my Sophomore year at Utah State I took an introduction to horticulture class. During that class we actually got to have some hands on experience in the green house on campus. We got to learn how to take a part of certain plants (besides the seed), plant them, and create a new plant. This was really cool and I was so proud of my little plants. There was one in particular that is called a Goldfish Plant, and it was my favorite. I tried so hard to get that little thing to grow. My roommates may recall the plant living on top of our TV and being tipped over a time or two. I also watered it too much and it got all moldy and gross. So, accepting failure, and the fact that this plant needed the care of someone else, I did what anyone else would do to get something well taken care of; I brought it home to my Mom.

So, naturally, I figured I couldn't grow things. It just wasn't my thing.

With my mom "Goldy" (I'm so clever) thrived. She grew and grew and grew. But, to our dismay she would never grow her pretty orange blossoms that look like goldfish.

After Jayson and I got married and moved back to Salt Lake we decided to take Goldy back and see how things went. Things kind of took a turn for the worst for Goldy after that, but I decided to do some research and I found out these plants like humidity, so we put her in the bathroom and brought her back to life. She liked it there and grew and grew. But, alas, still no goldfish blossoms.

I tried growing a couple other flowers in our Salt Lake apartment, each time ending in the death of the plant.

Our Salt Lake apartment was also sort of the beginning of our road to infertility. We actually moved in the very weekend that I miscarried back in December of '09. I was in a lot of emotional pain at the time, but I had no idea as to the long journey that lay ahead of me. I didn't know at the time that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant after that. So, as you can imagine, over the course of the year and a half of living there I began to feel pretty broken, as not only could I not grow plants, but I also could not grow a baby.

I kind of think that we have within us an innate desire to care for things and to help them grow. We need to feel needed. We need to be relied upon in order for us to grow to our full potential.

After four years of having my little goldfish plant we moved into our cute little house. I decided to put him in the kitchen on the shelves by the window. Not too long after we moved in and to my great delight and surprise our goldfish plant finally grew those goldfish blossoms.

And in that a great and new hope was created inside of me. A hope to be able to grow things.

I currently have about ten plants growing in my kitchen and living room, most of which are thriving. I also have daffodils and tulips growing in my front yard and great plans are in the making for a flower garden and a veggie/spice garden this year.

It took a while for me to figure out how to care for plants and how to make them grow, but I finally figured it out. And do you know what? It was worth it. I just adore all my plants and watching them grow brings me great joy.

And I know it will be the same with my future children. I know I probably won't be "growing" them in the way I thought I would back in 2009 when this journey began, but I will be growing them in the sense that I will do everything in my power to help them grow to grow bigger and stronger. I will them them to grow to their full potential. I will watch over them, feed them, love them, teach them, and spend time with them. I know at times it will be hard, but I know it will be worth it. I know that they will bring me great joy as well, greater joy than I could ever imagine.

And, who knows? Maybe since growing plants is going so well we'll soon have a little baby to care for.

Oh, January

I think it's probably safe to say that January is the most hated month. Am I right? This used to make me kind of sad, since it's my birth month and all. In the past I have often tried to defend it by pointing out it's good qualities, like a fresh start and a nice relaxing break from big events after the busy holiday season.

Speaking of which, I've always thought it was kind of odd that we start out the year in such a dreary, cold, and cruel month. It's like taking everyone's New Year's hope and crushing it to death, you know what I mean? And, is January actually slow for anyone? I always look forward to a little bit of relaxing during it, but I feel like it's always just as busy as any other month, so that's kind of a let down. I mean, the business of my life is directly correlated to the frequency in which I shave my legs, and let me tell you, up until a few days ago my legs were harrier than they've been in a really long time.

So, now that I've gone through 26 Januarys, I'll admit it, January can be a beast some years. Like 2008. Do you guys remember January 2008? I know some of you do. It was the worst. And January 2013. I can't lie, I've been doing some January bashing this year too, because oh my goodness it's FREEZING! And is there anything worse than leaving the house in January? Every morning I have an even harder time forcing myself out of bed than usual because I know that eventually I'll have to go outside. You know what is even worse than that? Going places after work in January.

But then today happened and we got oodles of powdery snow and it made my heart so very content. I took Ruby in the backyard and we ran around in it and such. Let me just tell you, there's nothing cuter than a dog running joyfully through the snow. It's just that simple. Especially when the snow is up to said dog's belly and she has to leap every time she takes a step. And, doesn't powdery snow just make you want to jump, run, and lay in it?! Ok, maybe it's just me. But, have you ever just sad there and laid in the snow? It's one of the most peaceful things in the world. I've been so cold over the past few weeks that I forgot about my love for snow and how beautiful it is. So, even if it is one of the last days of the month, thanks for redeeming yourself a little bit, January.

And all of this reminds me that great opportunities can come from great trials. For example, while January ha been really mean this year it definitely provides the opportunity for many good occasions for soup, snuggles, movie nights, warm cookies, etc. This year it's reminded me of how much I love my little family of Jayson,  Ruby, and me. It's reminded me that no matter what we're doing I'm just happy to spend time with them and I'm grateful beyond words to have them in my life.

The mother of one of my co-workers passed away a couple of weeks ago. She's been having a really hard time with it, as have her kids and her father. But, today I overheard her telling someone else that since her dad misses his wife and misses going on a date night with her each Friday he's decided to take his grandkids on date night; just one each Friday so that he can spend one on one time with each of then. As I overheard this I just thought about how even though this situation is horrible it has given the Grandpa a very unique and wonderful opportunity to really connect with his Grandchildren. 

Likewise, my trials have given me some really unique opportunities. When we were going through the adoption application we were required to attend some adoption classes, which were really more like panels of adopters, adoptees, birth parents, etc. The first one we attended was on infertility. For part of it we all got in groups and briefly explained our journey to adoption. It was honestly and truly one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. We were just a bunch of strangers together in a room, brought together by difficult circumstances, pouring our hearts and souls out to one another. It probably seems totally weird, but I left that night thinking that all of the pain and heartache that I had experienced was worth it to have that moment. I also don't regret for a single second that Jayson and I have been able to have four years of marriage, just the two of us. It was never in our plans, but I'm glad it happened. It has drawn us even closer, strengthened our relationship, and allowed us to have a lot of fun times and memories together. 

Also, last week was stake temple night. Jayson wasn't able to go because of work, but I went. I was excited to see friendly faces there and enjoy their company. But, of course, I was late and I missed the session. I still went to the next session, but I was really sad that I wasn't going to see any of my friends from the ward there. I was feeling very much alone that evening. But, then, after the session, I saw one of m co-workers there with his wife. We said our hi's and how-are-you's and that was it. It wasn't anything big, but for me it meant so much. It made me realize that our Heavenly Father really is mindful of us, even when all we need is something as simple as a friendly smile. Had I not been feeling lonely I would have never been able to experience such a sweet realization.

And now this post has taken a completely different course than I intended it to. I sat down with nothing in particular to write about. I was just in a writing sort of mood and had about a billion things on my mind, so I was going to do a bullet list of sorts, but then this happened. I think it turned out better. I guess I just needed to make sense of things because this January has been a hard one. I had to say goodbye to 2012 and that was strangely hard. I normally love New Year's, but 2012 holds a special place in my heart. It was the year that we made the decision to adopt, but even more than that, it was the year I found myself again. I figured out how to really and truly enjoy life, even when things aren't going exactly how I want them to. I started to feel whole again. It also left me with unfulfilled expectations, so the fact that it was gone already was kind of mind-boggling and heartbreaking. This January also provided me with the weirdest and hardest birthday to date. It's also been really busy, cold, overwhelming, depressing, and exhausting. 

So, I guess I just needed to remind myself that out of great trials come great opportunities. And there was that part of January that I was in Disneyland/California Adventures/La Jolla/Oceanside. That part was pretty wonderful. 

Good news, February is almost here, folks. We're almost through!

The Thing about Twenty-Five

...is that it's not really old at all.



But, let me tell you, in the months leading up to my 25th birthday, 25 was feeling pretty old.

I've never been one to dread getting older. I've never understood what all of the hoopla was about with people being so cranky about getting older. A lot of people felt really old and had a hard time when they turned twenty because they weren't a teenager anymore...but I was like, "woohoo! I'm twenty!"

But 25. Man. I'm out of my early twenties and when did that even happen?!

So, I think I've figured out what all of that hoopla is about. I don't think it's so much about being afraid to get older as much as it is about what a wise little girl named Bailey once said, "...really It's more that I'm afraid of time. And not having enough of it. Time to figure out who I'm supposed to be... to find my place in the world before I have to leave it." (Ten points if you know where that came from). 

Time. I think turning another year older just makes us realize that our clock is ticking and that we are running out of time. So, if we haven't accomplished all of the things that we thought we would by this point in our lives, birthdays can leave us feeling anxious. 

At least that's what it is for me. 

So, the thought of turning 25 had me in a little bit of a funk for a while. 

But then I really thought about it I realized that 25 really isn't old at all. It's probably the most prime age that there is. You're still really young, but you're old enough that you're not too young, am I right? Plus, by 25 the average person's frontal lobe is supposed to be developed, so now I have better judgement and a better long term memory to go along with that youth-ness. So, that's a plus too. 

And, really, what do I not have time to accomplish?

I just made a goal poster for this year for myself (I've decided to do this for every birthday/new year of life) and I'm pretty sure I still have plenty of time to accomplish all of the things on it. 

And, I have plenty of time to be a mom. A lot of 25 year olds don't have any kids and I don't ever think it's weird or that they're running out of time, so I don't know why I keep thinking that about myself. So, there. Don't pretend you didn't know that was what I was talking about. 

Besides, birthdays aren't for being sad, anxious, or regretful anyway. 

Birthdays are for Dreaming, so says this card that my friend Melissa gave me. Isn't that the prettiest card you've ever seen? And, if you look closely, you can see a little Mickey Mouse at the bottom. On the inside it says: "Leave no wish unwished." That was exactly what I needed on my birthday. So, if you're feeling old, just remember that. 

And, just in case you were wanted to see a picture of me on my 25th birthday here is the only one I got with my pretty card and my ipod nano that I bought with my birthday money. Because I haven't had an ipod for like five years I figured that since I am 25 now I should probably join the 21st century, at least a little bit.  I named him Finnegan, but Finn for short, because Finn is my favorite boy's name, but I can never use it because Finn Kim sounds pretty darn stupid. I also bought a present for my present: The new Ben Gibbard album, Former Lives. I'm in love. That helped too, because sometimes all of this hoopla causes me to lose sight of myself and Ben Gibbard always helps me remember that I'm a girl who loves Ben Gibbard a whole lot, which makes me feel like myself again. Oh, Ben.

And, I kept singing this to myself on my birthday (because it has the age 25 in it, so it had to be done):


This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25...

So, that made feel feel young too. 

Look out world! I'm 25 now, I'm a great dreamer/wisher, and my brain is fully developed. Just try to stop me, I dare you. 

(I actually said that to myself on my birthday, after putting on my pinkish-peachy pants. You know the ones.)

The Nativity Put in Perspective

Today (or, technically yesterday, since it's now after midnight and I guess it's Christmas Eve...say wha?!) at church there was a lot of singing and talking about the Christmas story, naturally. This happens ever year, but this year the story is more real to me than ever before.

You see, yesterday/today (December 23rd) my step-sister, Chelsie, had her baby, just before one in the morning. It turns out having a baby born into your family around Christmastime is a really special and sacred thing. It just really puts things into perspective. In church as we talked about Mary  and the newborn baby Jesus I couldn't help but think about little newborn Brynlee. For some reason I imagine that Mary's labor was similar to Chelsie's, in that she was in labor into the night and in the very early morning our Savior was born. I went to bed the night before and in the morning there were picture message on my phone and I knew my new little niece was here. I imagine that first and glorious Christmas morning was like that. One night the world went to bed and in the very early hours of the morning their Savior was here and there was relief and hope for all.

Isn't she lovely?

The proud Mama and baby

The proud Grandma. 

All of this made me realize that the story of Christ's birth is REAL. It's not just a story. It really happened. We  had a wonderful lesson in Young Women's today that also made the story very really for me.. The woman that was teaching brought in her nativity scene. On the table when we all came in was the stable and a lot of wrapped presents near it. Each present was given to a young women and opened in order, when the teacher asked for the number they had on their present. Each present was filled with a piece of the nativity scene and she talked about the importance of each one.

First, we talked about the Inn Keeper. I wonder what tremendous guild he had or will have when he finds that he turned away Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.

Then there was the manger, which may have been made of wood, but apparently it was more likely made of stone and had straw put into it for comfort for the baby. When she was talking about this I just kept thinking about Chelsie having to lay little Brynlee, a new and precious little baby, in a stone box.

Next were the animals. Besides Joseph and Mary no other mortal person is mentioned to have witnessed His birth. Only the parents and the animals, who could not utter of such a sacred experience. I imagine those animals understood more than one would think.

The shepherds were tending their flock and and angel appeared to them, bringing good news that I'm sure the angel was bursting with anticipation to give. The shepherds care and watch over their flock, just as Christ does for us. He is our Shepherd.

Although the three wise men did not actually come at Christ's birth they are very much a part of the story. It seems they used the star that appeared on His birth to guide them for nearly two years. They were all of very noble and high-esteemed professions and they brought him Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh, all very fine presents. Gold was, of course, of great value. Frankincense and Myrrh are actually often used in medicine because of their healing properties, which seems symbolic of the healing that Christ offers all of us.

And, of course we can't forget Joseph. Can you even imagine being Joseph? The lady who taught the lesson made a point I had never really thought of before. She asked the question, "What would you do if the woman you were in love with came and told you that she was pregnant with the Savior?" It would probably sound crazy. After his visitation with angel, however, he had tremendous faith and went forth with the plans for marriage. When I think of a new father I always think of a very nervous man. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be the new father of our Savior. Also, it is said that if they would have been under proper rule Joseph would have been royalty, and Jesus the rightful heir to the throne.

Mary is thought to have been about sixteen years old when she was visited by the angel and when she became pregnant with the Savior. I can't even fathom being a mother at sixteen years old. She must have truly been a remarkable woman. I'm sure it was more common then to get married at bear children at that age, but still. I can't find the quote, but one of the Apostles said something along the lines of this: The Savior was the chosen one. He was perfect and the only one that could perform the Atonement. If that is true we can only conclude that Mary was the most choice daughter, the one who could properly raise our Savior. I am sure Mary also knew, to some extent, what would eventually happen to her Son. Can you imagine carrying that burden of knowledge with you for so many years? This part of the lesson also made me think of Chelsie. I saw how uncomfortable she was near the end and I know that she hardly ever felt good at that point. I can't imagine her having to ride a donkey for days and days to get to Bethlehem, only to deliver in a stable.

And, our Savior; the whole reason that we know this story. He was born so that He could die for us. He suffered for us so that He could always know exactly what we need and how to help us. Because of Him we can return to Heaven one day to be with our Heavenly Father, Him, and our families. His birth gave the world the greatest of hope.

I will close by wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas.

Kiddos

I've been thinking a lot about little kids as of late.

Have you guys seen The Rise of the Guardians? It's one of the most wonderfully magical things I've seen in a long time and it inspired this train of thought.

It is sort of a spin off of a series called The Guardians by William Joyce, which I now own and I've started reading the first one, which is about Santa Claus. Because, ya know, it's Christmas and stuff. And because ever since I watched that movie all I want to do is read children's literature. I even checked out Charlotte's Web from the library the other day. And I think after that I'll read James and the Giant Peach.

And all of this got me thinking about how sometimes really often I like things made for children a lot more than things made for adults. Seriously. When I watch a movie about 75% of the time it's a movie made for little kids. When I watch TV it's either a serious for children or Boy Meets World or something on HGTV.

Also, have you guys seen the new Winnie the Pooh movie? Oh my goodness. It's ADORABLE.

The other day I was talking about how much I long to ride the new Little Mermaid ride at Disneyland and my sister in law was like, "Well, it's ok. I mean, it's kind of similar to the Peter Pan ride, but it's nothing super fun." Ok, those probably weren't her exact words, but something along those lines. But you guys, guess what my favorite ride at Disneyland is. Yep. Peter Pan.

I've even been missing being a primary teacher lately. Really badly. Especially singing time, because little kids singing songs about the gospel is my favorite.

It's also Christmas and doesn't that always make you think of the magic of being a little kid? I love Christmas more than almost anything, but it always come with that little pang of sadness that it's not the same as it was when I was little, no matter how much I pretend.

And do you know what I've concluded from all of this? I like all of these things because they are full of magic and they are full of pure and simple truths. They are full of the best and most hopeful of messages. I think these things are often seen as week and childish, just like children are. But, The Rise of the Guardians was a great reminder to me about how powerful they are. They carry with them such light. They truly believe that they can do anything and that nothing is impossible. They have unshakable faith. They can melt the most bitter of hearts. It's no wonder that we are asked so often in the scriptures to be like a child.

I Love Spring, I Love it Not

I saw blossoms on trees for the first time this year one day on my way to my interior design class and exlaimed very loudly, "IT'S SPRING!" And, as you can probably imagine, I was pretty puzzled with that sort of excitement because, I mean, since when do I get excited about Spring?

So at that moment I decided that this year I was going to like spring. I mean, it's absolutely beautiful, I love warm weather, blossoms, and spring flowers, so why not?

But not even a week later my usual Spring Blues came. I was in a right old funk.

My dislike for spring is long, complicated, and rather boring (but, apparently I'm going to tell you about it anyway?). To be honest, it's probably not Spring's fault at all that I don't like it. Besides the insane weather, Spring in and of itself isn't bad, but there is no denying that for whatever reason life seems harder in the spring. I can't really explain it. I just always get this realy burnt out, run down, tired-to-no-end feeling during the spring time. I always associated it with finals and 3rd semester of death during school, but school (at least full time, stressful school) is over now and it's still happening. I'm puzzled. Maybe instead of getting seasonal depression during the winter I get it in the spring?

But, I don't think it's that either because depressed is not what I feel right now. Have you ever heard the song Breakdown by Jack Johnson? I think that accurately describes how I feel about Spring. For some strange reason spring seems to send life spinning out of control.

And then yesterday happened. Yesterday was a most lovely and perfect day. Bright and early (or, rather, dark and early...) I went to the temple with the youth and other youth leaders of my ward before work and before they had school. Then, everyone met at the Bishop's for a delicious breakfast.

On my way to work I saw the streets lined with the most wonderful blossoms and beautiful daffodils and tulips. I thought to myself, "could this morning be any more beautiful?"

In the afternoon my friend informed me that she had just been outside and that the weather was perfect and not windy at all, which I'm sure she added because she knows how angry it makes me when wind ruins a perfectly warm day. I took my lunch break right away and I strolled around outside and I just might have laid in the grass for a few minutes just to let the sun beat down on my face.

After work I got to read a little bit and then I had dinner with two of my dearest friends, and one of the cutest of babies I've ever seen, who just happens to belong to one of those friends, who where all here from out of town. We had Cafe Rio, I had my Vanilla Coke, and we stayed there for hours and talked about anything and everything, as we always do. Perfect.

 Spring does have ever changing weather. Maybe there are all sorts of undesirable things about it like pastels, bunnies, and Easter decorations. And, perhaps I often wish that it would just be over already so that I could have my Summer.

 But, every now and then it gives me simple and perfect days like yesterday, and even though they only come every now and again, they are worth all of the things I don't like about Spring.

And even though I'm in a bit of a funk, I also cannot deny that I also feel renewed, invigorated, and I have an intense love for my life right now because of that funk. When I get overwhelmed with life I have to dig deeper to find the beauty in life, and therefore I'm left with an even deeper love for it.

Life is beautiful. There is so much lovliness all around me and there are so many reasons to celebrate.

This and That With a Rattle a Tat

I have for you yet another update via bullet points.

Aren't bullet points the best?

• I'm a student again! Sort of. Actually I'm only taking one class. Wanna guess what it is? I bet you'll never guess.

It's interior design. Why, you might ask, am I taking an interior design class? Sometimes I ask myself the same question. In all reality I wanted to take an occupational therapy class to see if I liked the field, since I want to go to grad school one day (I think), but I can never decide exactly what subject to study. However, the occupational therapy classes that would fit in with my schedule were full, because I sort of decided to take a class last minute. As in like..three days before the semester started. By the time I figured out all of the classes were full I had already had my heart set on taking a class, so I looked through all of the subjects and I came across interior design. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got...so I just went for it. Truth be told though, I've always loved interior design. I remember going with my dad to look at houses when he was looking for a house and looking forward to it every time. When I was younger I loved going to Home Depot with him so I could look at all of those little kitchens they have set up as displays. I've always loved pouring over magazines with pictures of rooms inside. After working on our house so much I remembered how much I really loved it. Am I going to make a career out it? Mmmmm probably not. But I'm loving the class. I guess that's a great perk about being graduated....you get to go to school for fun if you want to, and I want to. Not that I didn't enjoy school before, but I cannot deny that it was incredibly stressful. Now I get to focus on just one class and cut pictures of pretty room and put them in notebooks. (Ok, really there's a lot more to it than that, but really, I look at these magazines for fun everytime I go to the store.)

• A lot of people have been inquiring as to why I don't have a dog yet. A big reason is that we still have yet to put a fence around our yard. Even so, I definitely think about having a dog a fair amount. I have narrowed it down to three types of dogs that I really really want. Observe:

The Lab. Labs, particularly of the black variety have a very dear place in my heart. Remember how they're my patronus? Yep. I've grown up with them. I've always had a special lab in my life, since the day I was born. They are some of the naughtiest puppies around, but the grow up to be the best dogs in the whole wide world. They're so friendly and usually pretty darn smart. So, why not just get one? Here's the thing. I kind of don't want to get a dog until I have kids and I'm a stay at home mom. I know that probably seems weird to a lot of you, but I just don't want to leave a dog home alone all day while I'm at work. Especially a puppy. ESPECIALLY a lab puppy. But, I just might change my mind someday. Because, well, I really want a dog. Life without a dog is sort of weird for me.

My second dilemma is that lab puppies really like to bite. It's in a very playful sort of way, but it really freaks little kids out sometimes, so if I don't get a dog until I have kids I don't really know if a lab puppy is the very best idea, as I don't want them biting and freaking out my kids. But, one day I will own a lab. You mark my words. It just might not be until I have kids and they're a little older.

The Great Dane. I have recently fallen completely in love with Danes. My sister in law has a Great Dane and we've watched him a couple of times while they've been out of town and I just adore him. What can I say...I guess I love big dogs. Also, I have a really big backyard, so I'm suppose to have a big dog. That's the rule.

They're calm, they're cuddly, they're adorable. Need I say more? This is probably Jayson's choice in dog. The biggest down side it that they only have a life expectancy of about 6-7 years. :(

The Newfoundland or Newfie. These guys are kind of a Dane and a Lab mixed together, so it's hard to go wrong. They're supposed to be amazing with kids, really smart, calm, and loving. They also don't have a super long life expectancy and...wow that's a lot of fur.

Have any of you ever had any of these types of dogs? Or mixes of them? Would you recommend them? I'm not the kind of person that really cares if their dog is a purebred.

Also, has anyone ever done allergy shots? Do they work? Are they wicked expensive? Jayson is slightly allergic to dogs. It's not a bad allergy, but enough so that it might be unpleasant for him to live with dogs. We have discovered though, that if a dog is bathed often he does ok, so hopefully we'll work something out.

Now that I've probably bored you with dog talk I'll move on to the next bullet.

• Jayson has decided that he wants to build furniture. Why? Because he's Jayson. He has a lot of crazy ambitions. He doesn't want to do it as a career, because he loves his chosen field, but more as a side job or a hobby of some sort. Yea, he's definately crazy. Do you know what though? His crazy ambitions are one of the things I love most about him. He's one of the few people I know who actually truly and completely believes that he can do anything. It's so refreshing. He's also been pouring over our cook books lately and trying some new recipes. I definately don't mind that. Yea. He works in demolition and loves to cook. Where did I get this guy?


• Jayson is also becoming a wiz at fixing cars. I love being married to a handyman.


• Life as of late feels....different? I can't really put my finger on it. Nothing has changed, but it feels different. In a good way. For years I've said that I feel like I'm 17 years old and that I'm just teenager pretending to be a grown up by doing grown up things. But lately I don't feel 17 anymore. I feel 24. And it's kind of bizarre. Over this past month I've felt more like an adult than I ever have before and I can't really figure out why. I've been doing adult type of things for years now. I've lived on my own, gone on vacations without my parents, got married, bought a house, etc. I really feel like Jayson and I are making our own lives now. Maybe it's because we now live in a more permanent place. I think I've just sort of felt like a drifter since I graduated high school and now I feel firmly planted. It's a great feeling, actually. It sounds a lot more boring than drifting, but I'm actually pretty fond of boring things.


• All in all life is actually really great. Do you ever have those weeks where you feel like you have a new zest for life? I've felt like that a lot lately. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

And now I'm going to share a quote with you because I discovered it a week or so ago and fell in love with it: “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ”

― Mary Anne Radmacher

That quote is exactly what I need. Sometimes life is hard and trying again tomorrow is all we can do. It may seem like a small thing, but I think it's a pretty big thing.

Well, this post made a whole lot less sense than I thought it would

Thus, I will leave you with this video. You should watch it. It makes me cry every time. It's kept me going on some really hard days.

My favorite part is when he says, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead."

And...that's a wrap.

A Thrill of Hope

When you think of the word 'hope', what comes to mind?
It usually inspires all sorts of good feelings, right?

Well, confession: Sometimes when I think of hope I get sad and frustrated feelings instead. Maybe even angry.

It stems from the fact that often when I'm having a hard time or going through a trial I cling to any little glimpse of hope that I can find that the trial will be over soon or I imagine some crazy and miraculous thing that will take place because of it, etc. I cling so tightly to these feelings that I often begin thinking of them as fact and not just a little glimpse of hope. To put it simply, I get my hopes up.

And, often I am disappointed, because, as I'm sure you well know, not every hope we cling to comes true.

So, I found myself wondering a few days ago why I should even hope for things at all if I'll only disappointed. That way if what I'm hoping for at the time does happen it will just be a happy surprise.

As I was thinking about this it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without hope things become meaningless. It would be nearly impossible to keep going when we find outselves in the dark times of our lives without it. If we truly had no hope we wouldn't persevere through hard things.

Tonight I was listening to my very favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night. I really paid attention to the lyrics for the first time in a long time. I often get so caught up in singing along to Christmas music since it's played so often during this time that I usually just sing along without even thinking.

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!



Can you imagine being on the earth at that time? Can you imagine being given the news that our Savior is born and has come to redeem the world? Can you even imagine what feelings of joy and hope that would completely fill your being?

The lines I highlighted particularly stuck out to me tonight. Especially the last two in the verse. On the very first Christmas Eve the world was given the greatest Christmas present ever received, and along with Him, an ultimate hope for all. A hope you can look to and believe in and never ever be disappointed. The world had laid in sin up to that point. There was hope of a Savior, but on that night it became an even brighter hope because what so many had hoped for was really starting to happen. He was born and He died for us so that we could have a hope that wouldn't let us down. So that we could have a reason to continue on and have something real to hold on to. A way to endure the trials of this life with great strength and know that it would all be worth it in the end. A way to find peace and happiness even during our trials. A way to make it back to Heaven someday.

So, even if the things I hope for don't work out I can have absolute hope that if I continue to live as I believe I should everything will work out for my good and what really matters will happen.

And that brings all sorts of good feelings to mind.

All of this has been one of the most lovely reminders of what Christmas is really all about I've ever had.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Good Things to Come

Jayson showed me this video and I just couldn't resist posting it. It just made me feel too good.

Jones

Let me tell you a little something about Jones Soda.




I love it.
I love everything about it.

Why?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked. Let me bullet point all of the reasons for you.

• The bright colors.


• The wonderful, random pictures they print on their labels.


• The fact that they get those random pictures from a selection of pictures that random people post on their website.


• The fortunes or fun sayings under the bottle cap


• The fact that they tast like candy in liquid form


• The colorful bubbles that swim up to the top when you open the cap...

Mostly though, I love it, because in a really weird way it sort of defines me. It's a part of me. When I lose sight of my me-ness, if you will, I just have to remember that I am that girl who loves Jones Soda, in a really quirky sort of way, and I am back in touch with said me-ness.

Do you have something like that? Do you have a weird little thing that you love, that is just so completely you? I'm trying to find something to compare it to, but I just can't seem to think of anything.

It all started way back in high school...probably sophomore year. I had one look at those picture labels and I had to have one. I bought one. The taste was blissful, and I was hooked. When I realized that they had fortunes under the caps there was really no turning back.

Can I confess something to you? I always let the picture pick the flavor I get. It's actually a really ridiculous process. I look through every bottle on the shelf and pick the one with my favorite pictures. Once I went to the store specifically to get a bottle and I couldn't find one with a satisfactory picture, so I left and went to a different store.

Needless to say, I've become a little obsessed. However, my obsession died down a little bit. It wasn't until this past Wednesday that I realized I probably hadn't had one in a good year or so. You see, I was at the store, buying groceries, when I ran into a lady in my ward. She was buying her kids all sorts of fun goodies for St. Patrick's Day (the next day), and low and behold...she had a Green Apple Jones Soda in her cart, which just so happens to be my favorite flavor (although, Watermelon is a close second). I figured that since the next day was a holiday, and it happens to be one of the very few green sodas, I just HAD to get one. I didn't let the picture choose the flavor this time, because it had to be a green apple one, but I did choose my favorite photo of all of the green apple ones. It was a picture of a really cool arch in Moab.
I saved the soda until the next day at lunch. I twisted the cap off and read the following fortune:
"There is new hope for projects you had almost given up on."
You have no idea how much this meant to me. It left me beaming all day long. It was comforting in a lot of ways, particularly because we've been waiting what feels like a century to hear back on a house that we put an offer on in DECEMBER. Yes, it REALLY has been that long. It's a short sale, so it was expected to take a long time, but I had truly begun to give up on it. I had also been having one of those "I can't accomplish anything" weeks. You know, the ones where you feel like there is no possible way you will ever be able to keep up on keeping your apartment/house clean, there's no way any of the millions of projects you have will ever get done, so you just waste time not doing any of those things?
Anyway, that soda cap changed everything.


Jones soda, I always knew I loved you.

Bulbs.

Apparently I'm on a blogging kick as of late.

I love early spring bulb flowers. You know, like tulips and daffodils.

Well, yesterday, on the Salt Lake Temple grounds I saw some purple flowers, which looked pretty bulbish to me, and it made me incredibly happy. In fact, I'm pretty positive I jumped up and clicked my heals together.

It's not even really the fact that these are bulbs that makes me love them so much. It's realy just that they are the first sign of spring for me. As many of you know, I haven't always been very fond of sping. However, I've still never been able to help but feel happy when the weather turns warm and my precious bulb flowers make their first appearance.

These flowers have, for many years, given me one of the most precious of gifts: HOPE.

They just seem to smile up at me and say, "No matter how hard, long, or cold your winter has been, spring is REALLY coming, and everything is going to be ok."


That is one of my favorite feelings in the entire world.
I believe that Heavenly Father definately knew what he was doing when he gave us flowers.

I Can Do Anything Good

This got circulated around facebook a while back, but I just wanted to post it on here incase any of you didn't get to see it. This is really a must see video. I think I'm going to take a leaf out of the little one's book and do this every single morning....

I've Crossed The River and I'm Almost There

This title was inspired by the song Almost There from the Princess and the Frog, an excellent movie if I do say so myself.

It's the title of this post because of the miracle that happened last weak. Somehow I ended up with an impossible amount of homework. My homework list was as follows:

• five chapters of a textbook
• one quiz on each of those chapters
• 19 assignments
• and a ten page literature review for my reserach class.

With the help of my boss (who let me take a day off of work) and a miracle from up above (it had to be, I was sure there was NO WAY!) I finished all of it, except for two of the assignments and my paper actually only ended up being 7 pages long.
How did I possibly end up with this much homework? It was a mixture of my CD ROM for my class not being sent with my textbook like it was suppose to be at the beginning of the semester. Then, when I ordered it again it never got here...so I had to order it AGAIN (that's where all of the assignments came from). It was a bit of me being really busy so I wasn't able to catch up on the assignments I had missed while my CD ROM was MIA. It was also a little bit of procrastination, of course. But, anyhow, it was a miracle I got all done just the same. For some reason it's been made very apparent to that I am REALLY suppose to graduate this semester.
And to that I say...Bring it on, midterms.
Don't worry though, the week wasn't a total loss. On Friday we went the the Pie Pizzeria downtown and had Buffalo Ranch pizza, which was AMAZING!!!! After that Jayson's sister Karissa (Yes, for those of you who don't know, her name is Karissa Kim too. Crazy, right?) came over and watched some good old Avatar with us. I still haven't finished all of the episodes yet though, so those of you know things, don't tell me please.:)
In other news...we have new callings! I know what you're thinking, ALREADY?! That's what I was thinking too when they told us. Jayson has been made the Priest Quorom adviser in the Young Men's and I've been moved from the Sunbeams to the CTR 6/7 (they're combined in our ward because we have a pretty small primary), where I team teach with a lady named Sister Olson. Jayson is very excited because he basically gets to go hang out and have fun, while advising of course, with the young men in our ward each week for the activity. For his first acitivity they played volleyball and went to a buffet. Needless to say, he was in heaven. He's also really excited to teach them on Sunday. I am going to miss my sunbeams terribly because I was already so attached to them! However, I'm really excited for my new class. My first time with them was last Sunday and they're so smart and fun. Plus, a couple of them are getting baptized this year, so I'm excited to help them get ready for that and to go and see it as well!
I really love living here. It was hard at first and I got really really homesick for Logan when the semester first started. I was even kind of mad and I didn't really understand why I needed to move away from Logan where most of my friends are the last semester of my undergraduate career. Thankfully, I'm really starting to feel like I belong here now. I just keep realizing new things everyday about why I'm suppose to be here. I thought at first that maybe some of the people I know that live here needed me more than the people in Logan. I think that is true, but I've also realized that this move was for me too. I need people who are here. For so many reasons I just need to be here. It's nice to finally feel at home.
Don't worry though Logan folk, just because I feel at home here, doesn't make me miss you any less!!