I've been meaning to write this post for weeks, but I've gotten sucked into the adoption vortex. I spend almost all of my free time (aka when I'm not sleeping or working) getting everything done that we need to get done in order to be completely approved for adoption. But, more on that later.
A lot of people are really curious and interested in adoption, so I thought I'd give you some facts, correct some false myths, and answer some frequently asked questions.
First, I wanted to start out with this list that I found on the LDS Family Services website. It's called the Positive Language List. I didn't know a lot of these myself before reading them on this list, but after reading them I think it's important to know them. So, without further adieu.....
It's amazing what a difference just a few words can make! I love this list. I feel like these preferred terms show so much more respect for all of those involved, especially the birth parents, who sometimes get an undeserving bad reputation, when truly they deserve all of the respect in the world.
Also, on the LDS Family Services website is a list of myths and the truth about them. I was going to write my own list, but pretty much all of the things I wanted to say are on that website and answered so beautifully. So, I'll paste them on here and add some of my own feelings on a couple of them, which will be in italics:
Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.”
There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.
This is a big one. I had the wonderful experience of hearing a panel of three birth mothers speak on a panel. I promise you this is not easy in any way, shape, or form for these birth mothers or their families. It really is something done purely out of love for the child. These women explained that this experience really made them want to be better because they never wanted their children to think that they placed them for adoption just so they could go out and party. They wanted them to know they did it because they loved them. People almost never place their children for adoption because they don't want them; they place them because they don't feel like they can care for the child and want to do what they feel is best for their child.
You can also read an inspiring birth mother story here:
https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/adopting-families/real-life-stories/choosing-adoption-changed-me/
If you want to. I highly recommend it.
An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can.
Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.
A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption.
Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.
After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child.
Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.
You guys, I just want to tell you that open adoption is wonderful. I'm going to talk more about that later in this post, but I just wanted to say that.
Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges.
It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.
Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption.
Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.
And now, some Frequently Asked Questions:
How are your adoption papers going?
They're actually going really well, thanks! Really though, our paperwork has gone really smoothly! Let's pray that the rest of the adoption process continues to go that way. We still need to get our medical reports in and our background checks still need to come back, but besides that we're DONE with paper work. You guys, it's a miracle! Seriously, I didn't expect to be done so soon, but I guess that's what happens when you work on it with every spare moment that you have. Seriously, I have been living, breathing, and sleeping adoption papers since April (and Jayson's been helping too, of course). Jayson has make me to sit down and relax every now and then so that I can take a breather. What can I say? I really want to be a mommy! Our social worker said we're probably the fastest couple she's ever had about getting their paperwork in. I was so happy to hear this because I actually thought we were being slow.
What is the adoption process like?
The adoption process is pretty intense. It's probably a little different with each agency, but this is what it has been like for us: The first requirement is to go to orientation and make sure you meet all of the basic requirements for adoption. Then, you have a couple interview with the social worker and if all goes well there you get your paper work. I remember when she showed us all of the paper work...talk about overwhelming! The paper work consists of things like employment verification, tax information to show your financial status, recommendation letters, infertility reports, really long and personal questionaires, questions about your family, background checks (Jayson even had to get finger printed because he's lived out of the state in the last five years!), employment verifications, etc. Stuff like that. I know I'm probably forgetting things because there is just so much! After the paper work we have interviews individually with out social worker (which are also complete), and we make our online profile, which is also near complete. Once our background checks and medical reports come back we'll do the home study, where the social worker will come out to our house to make sure it's a safe, clean, and happy environment for a kiddo to live in. And then.....we get officially approved and our profile goes up on the website!
Oh! And I'm also working on a blog that will be specifically for adoption, where we'll have posts that talk about us, what we're like, what we like to do, our families, etc. I've seen a lot of people do this and I think it's a great idea so that birth families can get to know us better while they're in the decision making process and so we can let people know that we're hoping to adopt. I'm actually pretty proud of it so far because I'm not incredibly blog-savvy, so I've had to look up a lot of html codes to figure out how to design some of it and I really like how it's turned out so far. I'll keep you updated and maybe let you all have a sneak peak when I actually get posts on it. Stay tuned!
Are you going to have an open adoption and how do you feel about it?
Yes! That is, if the birth mother/family wants to, and it seems like most do. Open adoption is really different from adoptions of the past and it seems really strange to people when they first hear about it. I remember thinking the concept was odd when I first heard about it and I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the more I hear about it, the more I love it. It really does seem to be ideal for everyone involved. First off, it's wonderful because the birth mother gets to have that peace of mind that she made the right choice. I mean, could you imagine placing your baby and then never ever knowing what happened after that? It would be devastating. I wouldn't want it to be like that for anyone, especially for someone who just made such a difficult, selfless and loving decision. Also, it's great for the kiddos. They're going to wonder about their birth families. You can't pretend that they aren't real and that they're going to go away. Most adopted kids have this innate desire to know where they came from. I want to be able to have the answers for my kids when they come to me with questions. I don't want their birth families to be something taboo that we're not supposed to talk about. I want them to know they can always ask us questions and that it's totally fine that they want to know about their birth families. We realize that it puts a whole new twist on adoption and on the dynamics of our family, but we just love it. We're going to have the opportunity to love even more people than we did before, and I know it will a wonderful and life changing experience. It's such a beautiful concept when you think about it. I really can't find the words to describe it, but it just fits for us. The more I learn about open adoption the more I truly feel like adoption is the right path for us and that so much of our life experiences have led us here. I also, want my kids to know that they're loved and I don't want to take away the knowledge that their birth families love them too.
A lot of people show concern about the birth parents wanting to take charge or co-parent, but the more I talk to people the more they confirm that this is almost never true. Everyone I have talked to so far just loves their children's birth families and love that their adoptions are open. When we had the opportunity to listen to the panel of birth mothers that I talked about earlier they also confirmed this.
I hope that post wasn't too long for you. If you have any questions I'm happy to answer them! Oh, and in case anyone is curious, Jayson has the same opinion about open adoption as I do. I was just thinking that this blog is often just about how I feel about things, but I want you to know that Jayson is just as excited and grateful for this opportunity as I am!
A lot of people are really curious and interested in adoption, so I thought I'd give you some facts, correct some false myths, and answer some frequently asked questions.
First, I wanted to start out with this list that I found on the LDS Family Services website. It's called the Positive Language List. I didn't know a lot of these myself before reading them on this list, but after reading them I think it's important to know them. So, without further adieu.....
| Negative Terms | Preferred Terms |
| Gave up her child for adoption | Placed her child for adoption |
| Real parent; natural parent | Birth parent, biological parent |
| Adoptive parent | Parent |
| His adopted child | His child |
| Illegitimate | Born to unmarried parents |
| Adoptee | Child who was adopted |
| To keep | To parent |
| Adoptable child; available child | Waiting child |
| Foreign adoption | International adoption |
| Track down parents | Search |
| Unwanted child | Child placed for adoption |
| Is adopted | Was adopted |
It's amazing what a difference just a few words can make! I love this list. I feel like these preferred terms show so much more respect for all of those involved, especially the birth parents, who sometimes get an undeserving bad reputation, when truly they deserve all of the respect in the world.
Also, on the LDS Family Services website is a list of myths and the truth about them. I was going to write my own list, but pretty much all of the things I wanted to say are on that website and answered so beautifully. So, I'll paste them on here and add some of my own feelings on a couple of them, which will be in italics:
Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.”
There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.
This is a big one. I had the wonderful experience of hearing a panel of three birth mothers speak on a panel. I promise you this is not easy in any way, shape, or form for these birth mothers or their families. It really is something done purely out of love for the child. These women explained that this experience really made them want to be better because they never wanted their children to think that they placed them for adoption just so they could go out and party. They wanted them to know they did it because they loved them. People almost never place their children for adoption because they don't want them; they place them because they don't feel like they can care for the child and want to do what they feel is best for their child.
You can also read an inspiring birth mother story here:
https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/eng/site/adopting-families/real-life-stories/choosing-adoption-changed-me/
If you want to. I highly recommend it.
An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can.
Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.
A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption.
Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.
After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child.
Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.
You guys, I just want to tell you that open adoption is wonderful. I'm going to talk more about that later in this post, but I just wanted to say that.
Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges.
It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.
Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption.
Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.
And now, some Frequently Asked Questions:
How are your adoption papers going?
They're actually going really well, thanks! Really though, our paperwork has gone really smoothly! Let's pray that the rest of the adoption process continues to go that way. We still need to get our medical reports in and our background checks still need to come back, but besides that we're DONE with paper work. You guys, it's a miracle! Seriously, I didn't expect to be done so soon, but I guess that's what happens when you work on it with every spare moment that you have. Seriously, I have been living, breathing, and sleeping adoption papers since April (and Jayson's been helping too, of course). Jayson has make me to sit down and relax every now and then so that I can take a breather. What can I say? I really want to be a mommy! Our social worker said we're probably the fastest couple she's ever had about getting their paperwork in. I was so happy to hear this because I actually thought we were being slow.
What is the adoption process like?
The adoption process is pretty intense. It's probably a little different with each agency, but this is what it has been like for us: The first requirement is to go to orientation and make sure you meet all of the basic requirements for adoption. Then, you have a couple interview with the social worker and if all goes well there you get your paper work. I remember when she showed us all of the paper work...talk about overwhelming! The paper work consists of things like employment verification, tax information to show your financial status, recommendation letters, infertility reports, really long and personal questionaires, questions about your family, background checks (Jayson even had to get finger printed because he's lived out of the state in the last five years!), employment verifications, etc. Stuff like that. I know I'm probably forgetting things because there is just so much! After the paper work we have interviews individually with out social worker (which are also complete), and we make our online profile, which is also near complete. Once our background checks and medical reports come back we'll do the home study, where the social worker will come out to our house to make sure it's a safe, clean, and happy environment for a kiddo to live in. And then.....we get officially approved and our profile goes up on the website!
Oh! And I'm also working on a blog that will be specifically for adoption, where we'll have posts that talk about us, what we're like, what we like to do, our families, etc. I've seen a lot of people do this and I think it's a great idea so that birth families can get to know us better while they're in the decision making process and so we can let people know that we're hoping to adopt. I'm actually pretty proud of it so far because I'm not incredibly blog-savvy, so I've had to look up a lot of html codes to figure out how to design some of it and I really like how it's turned out so far. I'll keep you updated and maybe let you all have a sneak peak when I actually get posts on it. Stay tuned!
Are you going to have an open adoption and how do you feel about it?
Yes! That is, if the birth mother/family wants to, and it seems like most do. Open adoption is really different from adoptions of the past and it seems really strange to people when they first hear about it. I remember thinking the concept was odd when I first heard about it and I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the more I hear about it, the more I love it. It really does seem to be ideal for everyone involved. First off, it's wonderful because the birth mother gets to have that peace of mind that she made the right choice. I mean, could you imagine placing your baby and then never ever knowing what happened after that? It would be devastating. I wouldn't want it to be like that for anyone, especially for someone who just made such a difficult, selfless and loving decision. Also, it's great for the kiddos. They're going to wonder about their birth families. You can't pretend that they aren't real and that they're going to go away. Most adopted kids have this innate desire to know where they came from. I want to be able to have the answers for my kids when they come to me with questions. I don't want their birth families to be something taboo that we're not supposed to talk about. I want them to know they can always ask us questions and that it's totally fine that they want to know about their birth families. We realize that it puts a whole new twist on adoption and on the dynamics of our family, but we just love it. We're going to have the opportunity to love even more people than we did before, and I know it will a wonderful and life changing experience. It's such a beautiful concept when you think about it. I really can't find the words to describe it, but it just fits for us. The more I learn about open adoption the more I truly feel like adoption is the right path for us and that so much of our life experiences have led us here. I also, want my kids to know that they're loved and I don't want to take away the knowledge that their birth families love them too.
A lot of people show concern about the birth parents wanting to take charge or co-parent, but the more I talk to people the more they confirm that this is almost never true. Everyone I have talked to so far just loves their children's birth families and love that their adoptions are open. When we had the opportunity to listen to the panel of birth mothers that I talked about earlier they also confirmed this.
I hope that post wasn't too long for you. If you have any questions I'm happy to answer them! Oh, and in case anyone is curious, Jayson has the same opinion about open adoption as I do. I was just thinking that this blog is often just about how I feel about things, but I want you to know that Jayson is just as excited and grateful for this opportunity as I am!
6 comments:
I'm so excited for you Karissa! My sister had a baby when she was 17 and placed him for adoption. I was 9 at the time and it was really SO hard watching my sister go through the emotional pain of it all. But thankfully he has the most wonderful parents that were willing to have an open adoption. We are in contact with the family and often have them over for dinner at our house (well, when I lived in Utah). Adoption really holds a special place in my heart. You are going to be such an amazing mother and those kiddos are so lucky to have you!!!
Karissa I love your writing :)I am so excited for this journey you are on to become a mom!! It is amazing :)
I'm so excited for you two! You'll be fabulous parents! Can't wait to see how events unfold once you're officially approved!!
I love reading about your thoughts & feelings on adoption. What an exciting experience. It's so interesting to learn about, I'm glad you shared everything!!
Great job for being the fastest couple to fill out the paperwork -- ahh! You're going to be SUCH a great mama :) I'm so excited for you guys. Good luck with the last little bit!
wooooohooooooo!!!!!
:)
love you guys. (and miss you too!! thanks for missing us:))
So excited!!!
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