On Being a Foster Parent Thus Far

Tonight I went out to dinner with some friends. It was so nice to have a girl's night and get a little break. It was the first night that I haven't been there at bed time for our little guy. I wasn't sure if Jayson was going to put him to bed or wait for me to get home, but when I got home he was already asleep and do you know what?
I was actually pretty sad. I found that I was excited to see his little face light up when I walked through the door and to snuggle with him before I put him to bed.

Being a foster parent is crazy business. It's crazier, harder, and more wonderful than I ever imagined.
I've loved being able to teach/show him my favorite things, like Christmas, Peter Pan, sea horses, and many more. And it's been fun seeing what gets him excited and what interests he has. He is obsessed with How to Train Your Dragon as of late and it's so much fun to watch him watch it. He loves to act out movies, so we act out the part where Hiccup finally gets to touch the Toothless's face for the first time. It's pretty hilarious. And having a little one in our home during the holidays has been so much fun. I'm so stoked to see the look on his face when he opens presents on Christmas morning! It turns out that being the mom of a little boy is all I've ever wanted. (Not that I wouldn't welcome a little girl with open arms, of course).

I'm not generally a morning person, but mornings with this guy are generally my favorite. He wakes up happy and snugly most days now and I couldn't ask for anything better.

And, of course, it's hard sometimes. It really is a whole new lifestyle, this being a parent business. I never realized how hard it was to do chores with a little one around or how much of a luxury it can be to run errands by yourself or go to the bathroom whenever you want to. I also never knew how all consuming being a parent was. I mean, I knew it became your life, but lately I feel so inadequate at everything (even more that I used to). I feel like I can be a wife and a mom and that I don't have the capacity or stamina to be good at anything else. I'm not trying to sound like I'm down on myself because I'm really not. I'm fine with it. I know I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. It just constantly baffles me at how much I forget to do now and how little else I find myself capable of doing. I swear I used to be a very reliable person. So, if I'm ignoring your calls or texts, just know that I love you, but I am so scatterbrained that I can't even remember to call or text people.

But I also understand why people always say being a parent is worth it.

The thing about being a foster parent is that I find myself understanding the importance of enjoying the present and not living in the past or future on a whole new level. I can't even remember the past most days and the future is hard to think about. Plus, the future is so unknown with foster care that it seems pointless to think about. I also find that I want to soak up every last minute with this little guy that I can because I have no idea how many minutes we'll have together.

The unknown is by far the hardest part. I've never liked the unknown, but I've learned to live with it because it's always there. I always thought that once I got married I could plan out my entire life and the unknown wouldn't be so unknown anymore. But, then I got married and I realized out very wrong I was and that my future was always going to be unknown and unpredictable. But, man. Foster care has more unknown than I can handle sometimes. It's so hard not knowing how long he'll be with us. We love him to pieces, so it's so hard to think of him leaving one day, but at the same time we of course want his parents to do well so that he can be re-unified with his parents. I knew all of this beforehand, and it was hard to take in then, but experiencing it is so much different than having someone tell you about it. It's quite the heartbreaking process sometimes. It's also really hard to realize that when he goes we may never seen him again or know how he's doing for the rest of his life. And in years to come he may not remember us much at all.

But then I really sit back and think about it and I realize there's nothing else I'd rather be doing with my time. We have this opportunity to make a difference in his life, so why not?. I was overcome with the feeling the other day that we are making a difference in his life, even it we're only going to be in his life for a little bit. 

Winter and Other Random Musings

I've been thinking a lot about winter lately.
I guess, probably because it's winter.

But anyway.

A lot of people really hate winter. I won't lie, I don't love temperatures below freezing either, but I realized this week that I can't imagine life without winter. I've never known a winter without snow and I'm glad.

This past weekend we had one of the best weekends ever. I knew the weather was supposed to be bad, so I decided not to plan anything. Actually, I made it a goal to not leave the house for all of Saturday. (which I failed at because we remembered that we had tithing settlement.) There is just something so splendid about wearing leggings and a sweater all day and not changing out little guy out of his cute Christmas jammies. We just hung around, watched movies, made Christmas sugar cookies, put up Christmas decoration, and danced around. We did go play outside in the snow for a few minutes and taught our little guy how to throw snowballs (which he now likes to do every time we go outside) and make snow angels. It was the best! Plus, little kiddos in all of their winter gear (hats, gloves, boots, etc) is just about the cutest of things ever. (especially when the winter gear is has dinosaur spikes and the hat ties at the chin and squishes he cheeks just right, so that they're nice and round. And our little guys loves his boots and when he runs in them it's just the best.) And we even let Ruby out to run free around the yard and she had the time of her life prance/jumping through it. On Sundays we almost always go to a family dinner of some sort, but we decided to just stay home with our little family. We watched a Christmas movie and when we were dancing to the closing credits I was overcome with joy and gratitude for the moment.

Also, on Saturday night Jayson and I stayed up ridiculously late watching TV shows after our little guy went to bed and it was such a fun and simple little date.

So, sometimes cold and snowy days force you to say inside all weekend and those weekends turn out to be the best. Few things are better than being warm and cozy inside when it's cold outside, right? There's just something about it. And sweaters! Few things in life are as good as sweaters.

Also, I'm really into hot chocolate with real mini marshmallows (as in, not the kind that come in the hot chocolate packs, but the kind that you buy seperately). It's a party.

And temple square is soooo pretty during Christmastime. It always makes me think fondly of our wedding day. I can't get enough of those little bubble lights in the reflection pond!

I also just love when everything is covered in freshly fallen snow. It makes everything seem so peaceful and surreal in the best possible way.

On How We're Doing

A lot of people have been asking how we're doing with a new little kiddo in house these days.
I usually answer this by saying, "Great! We're all adjusting so well and he seems to be coming out of his shell a lot!" Which is true, but there's a much longer answer that's hard to give every time we're asked.

Thus I thought it would be a good idea to blog about it. Since I am no longer able to think, talk, or write in complete thoughts you're getting a lists.

• Our little guy is coming out of his shell so much. He's talking a ton more, being more independent, exploring, etc. He went to nursery for the first time today (we haven't tried to take him until today because we thought it would be too much for him at first) and he saw other kids go in the room and he went right in! I was worried he'd be sad when we took him there and left, but we didn't even have to walk him in! It was pretty great. I'm so happy that he's comfortable enough now to leave my side sometimes. 
• He LOVES to help me make dinner. It's the cutest.
• I'm pretty sure his favorite food is waffles. Or maybe syrup. 
• His dancing might be my favorite thing.
• There's a lot of talk about Simba around our house. This kid is obsessed with the Lion King. I don't think it's a phase either, I think it's a true obsession. Today I was making some pasta salad and I turned around to see what he was doing and he was on our bench holding his lion stuffed animal on the edge (picture Scar Holding Mufasa on the edge of a cliff) and then he dropped him to his death. I yelled, "Mufasa, Nooooooo!" He thought it was the funniest thing ever. Also, sometimes we listen to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" in the car and he always does the, "What?! Who?! Oh." It's the funniest. Also, the first time we watched the movie together he used Jayson's knee as pride rock and pretended to climb up it and roar just like Simba at the end of the movie. This kids cracks us up so much. 
• He loves to sing along to Disney songs. "What's This" is one of his favorites, which is great because it's also one of my favorites.
• He's also developed a fondness for turtles over the past couple of days and we read our book about sea turtles a billion times a day. We say "Mom! a kurkle!" "Yes, you're right! It is a turtle!" for years.
• I took him to see the ducks at Gardner Village (ok, possibly the main reason we went was because I wanted to buy fabric) and he was delighted. They come right up to you if you feed them. He loved it! 
• It's hard to know which words we've helped him learn and which ones he already knew but we just haven't heard yet, but I'm taking credit for "delicious" and "Christmas" so far. 
• A couple of nights he slept through the night for the first and only time so far. We were overjoyed! After we checked on him to make sure he was still breathing. You guys woke up a little worried the first time your babies slept through the night too, right? But then he didn't nap that day. So, there's that. 
• This morning when he woke up he called for Jayson, as he was the one that had woken up with him during the night. When Jayson went in he had his socks on his hands. I don't know why but it was hilarious. 
• He really bonded with Jayson this weekend and it has been the sweetest thing to watch.
• Jayson has been working like a billion (seriously though, at least 60) hours over the past few weeks, so things have been crazy-busy around here and our house might not be clean until after Christmas. It's fine. I've accepted it. 
• Jayson also just got called into scouts. He's over the 14-16 year olds I think? You guys, I never new scout leaders were so busy. 
• Ruby seems to like our little guy, but she's also chewed up some plastic animal figures of his. She's not normally one to chew up things she's not supposed to, so I think it's her way of acting out because she's not the center of attention anymore. Poor girl. She'll get used it I'm sure. But, she's really good with him and our little guys just loves her to pieces. 
• We have the most supportive friends and family ever. We've had so many people give us clothes and toys that their kids have outgrown and it's been such a blessing for us. And it's been so sweet to see how accepting everyone is to him. I feel like our friends and family have taken him in with open arms and poured out so much love to him already. Our people are the best. 
• I absolutely love being a mom. There are so many times when my patience is tried, I'm exhausted, and I'm not sure what to do, but there are also so many sweet moments that I get to see. And, for the most part, he's a pretty hilarious and delightful kid. I love watching him learn and grow. I love the way he says words. I love his weird little run. I love his obsession with animals (especially sea creatures). I love his laugh and his cute smooshy cheeks. And his snuggles. He gives the best snuggles. I'm just falling in love with this sweet little boy. 
• I have always been a scatterbrain, but I'm so much worse now. I forgot things much more and i get sidetracked so easily. Last week I gave a talk in Sacrament and I honestly completely forgot about it until the night before at like 11 pm. That's something that would normally be on my mind all week. Not this time!
• I now find myself starting texts like seven times before I actually send them. 
• I find that I now have a hard time holding conversations longer than five minutes, particularly on the phone. Seriously though, if we're on the phone for more than five minutes you should probably just hang up because I've stopped listening. 
• I'm quickly remembering what it feels like to be tired all of the time.
• I now understand the magic of nap time. 
• I'm so disorganized right now it's not even funny.
• The hardest thing is knowing that he might not be with us forever, just because we're getting so attached to him already.  The recruiter for foster care that first came to our house to talk to us that from all of the cases she has seen she really and truly feels like children end up where they're supposed to, whether that's back with their family or to stay with their foster family and I believe that too. It's such a blessing to have him in our home, even just for a little while. Mainly I just try not to think about the future and just enjoy the present. 
• But life is so so good. We're still figuring out this new lifestyle, but we're loving it. 

Wherein Everything Changes

October seriously just flew by before my very eyes. I'm kind of sad about it because it's my favorite month and now I have to wait a whole year for it to roll around again.

I have so much to write about October and all of the fun adventures it brought to us, but for now I just want to tell you about the most exciting one.

This calls for a drum roll.....

At the end of October we became Foster Parents! Can you believe it? We're basically a Mom and Dad now, even if it may only be temporary. I still don't think it has sunk in yet. He's the sweetest little guy and his smile is to die for. I wish I could show you, but I'm not allowed to post pictures of him, which is really hard because I want to show everyone how cute he is so badly!

There have been SO many sweet moments already that I will cherish forever. He is seriously a joy to have in our home. It's also the sweetest thing to see Jayson being a dad. He's getting to know our families now too and he's gotten to where he remembers some of them and gets excited to see them.

Some of my favorite things so far:

• He absolutely adores animals, especially dogs, so Ruby helped him warm up to us quickly. He can name a fair amount of them and it's the cutest.
•  We also have this book about whales that seems to be his favorite of all of our books. This makes me so happy. 
• I love when he pretends to be a monkey. And the way he says, "monkey".
• My other favorites are when he says "please" and "hooray!" Seriously, it's the best.
• I love when he gets excited about something and leaps into my arms with the biggest smile.
• His smile. It's so big and so cute.
• On Halloween we went to my Dad's house for a little bit and he helped hand out the Halloween candy. I didn't even really show him how, he just watched me once and then started taking candy and placing it in people's bags. 
• I took him trick-or-treating to a few houses and watching him run/skip down the sidewalk with glee was the best thing ever. 
• He also loves himself some cheese. A kid after my own heart I tell you. 
• He LOVES to snuggle. Yes!
• We took him to the Pumpkin Walk and the kiddo was just awed by the jack-o-lanterns that lined the path and didn't even pay much attention to the displays. He wanted to stop at every single jack-o-lantern. It was hilarious. 
• Also, Halloween jammies! I bought some for him and it was a dream come true. 

I'm so grateful for the opportunity this has brought to me to really get a glimpse of what it is to be a parent. I always knew it was really hard. I always knew that there were also those lovely moments that make all of the hard stuff worthwhile, but I never truly understood it until now. This experience has really opened my eyes to other mothers and I am that much more amazed at the women around me. I feel like I have a much deeper understanding of what it means when people say they're going crazy and their kid won't sleep at night or won't take naps, etc. Or when they talk about their kid just melting their heart. It's all a much bigger deal that I ever dreamed. I definitely feel like I've lost my mind and any sort of organization I had in my life, but slowly we're getting it back together, haha. I feel like I've been tunnel vision mode and I haven't been able to focus on much else but our little family and the adjustments we're making. I think we're all getting the hang of it though and it keeps getting better and better.

A lot of people have asked us how long he'll be with us for. That's the crazy thing about foster care, you generally have no idea. The ultimate goal in most cases is to re-unite their children with their family and this case is no exception. We don't know how long he'll be with us, but we're enjoying having him in our home for now and for however long he's with us.

And now, I'll leave you with some pictures of the pumpkin walk.

Small World!

And, the only picture of the family Halloween party that didn't have a picture of our little guy in it was this:

My nephew the hobbit. So cute, right?

Over and out from one tired and happy Mama.

"Whatever You Are...Be a Good One"

I've always liked this quote, but I have especially loved it lately. It's been coming to my mind so much and it's been exactly what I've needed to hear every time.

Over the past years I feel like in a lot of ways I feel like I've become a lesser version of myself than what I used to be. I know I've grown a lot and in a lot of ways that isn't actually true. But...
FACT: in some ways it is true.

Sometimes feelings of inadequacy creep in and I stop trying as hard to be better. And lately I've been feeling SOOO in adequate.

This past Summer was really great, but it was also really hard. I didn't realize how how big of a funk I was in until I was out of it. It was a great reminder that trials are for our good. I've known that for a long time, but it got really hard to remember there for a while. Sometimes you do have to break a little before you can be made better. This time I was able to learn that I am brave. I know that seems like such a small thing, but it has changed everything. It has given me the courage again to want to go out and try new things, even hard things. It's given me the strength to try harder to be better at everything I do. And, you know, the desire to actually leave my house.
In other words, it's given me the ability to strive to be my best self again.

And I've started to realize something. I started becoming a lesser version of myself because I stopped working at improving.
 Go figure, right?
Over the past years I haven't always been doing exactly what I want to do. I haven't gotten a dream job, I haven't become a mom, yadda yadda. You know. And so I think somewhere along the lines I stopped trying to do better at the things I was actually doing.
And then something changed. A flip was switched. Despite not knowing what path to take as far as a job was concerned I started working really hard to be the best house wife ever while we tried to figure everything out. And you know what? It was great. I loved it. I had a routine and things were going smoothly. I was making yummy dinners again, the house clean a good majority of the time, which left lots of time to spend with Jayson.

And the feelings of inadequacy and doubt started creeping in again. It seems like they always come. And then I remembered that I am brave and I can do hard things. While I've been feeling these things the quote that inspired this post keeps coming to mind, "What ever you are, be a good one." And you know what? I think it's working. I don't know why I have found this so astonishing. Obviously I don't do everything perfect. I still feel really inadequate fairly often. I still get frustrated at times and it is really hard. But, instead of cowering when things are hard I've started to really revel in it. I had forgotten the satisfaction that can come when you accomplish something hard. I've also seen that when I'm doing my best things fall into place and they work out. I mean, things don't just not fall apart, but they turn out really well over all. I am finding that I can be patient. I am finding that I love what I'm doing in life. Despite making mistakes, getting frustrated, and being/feeling in adequate I genuinely feel like I'm doing/did do a good job at the things I'm striving to do my best at.

The Goings On

I haven't written much about what we've been up to as of late, so I thought I'd give that a shot.

We kissed Summer goodbye on Labor Day weekend (because that's when Summer ends, you know. Except the weather doesn't seem to know that.) with a quick trip to Flaming Gorge on my Mom and Todd's new boat (We're so excited for them to have this boat, it's a dream come true for them! *Fist Pump!).

So, here are some lovely pictures of that for you:

Nash always tried to get the fish.

Uncle Jeff and Aunt Pam came with their pups too! It was so fun to see them and chat.

Every Labor day they have a parade of boats at Flaming Gorge and all of the boats get all decked out. This was the bow of our boat, which I helped Todd decorate, against my better judgement and despite my warnings of the dangers of plugging too many cords into one outlet. Nothing blew up though, so it worked out. There were also fire works afterwards, which Nash barked at like crazy. 

After that I was like, bring on the pumpkin treats! Bring on the changing leaves! Bring on the cool, crisp weather!

But the weather did not come. You guys, September was SO HOT.
And then September was all like, let's go from 80 degrees to 50 in 60 seconds.
Seriously.
But, I confess, I'm not sad because I just really love my long sleeved shirts, long pants, scarves, jackets, and boots. And hot chocolate. And soup, etc, etc. SO EXCITED!

And 7-11 has pumpkin spice creamer that tastes so delicious in their heavenly hot chocolate. YOU GUYS! This is exciting news.

I've also started babysitting a little guy for a few days a week! Score. This was kind of a heaven send because I've been so crazy about what to do about working and such and this has worked out perfectly so far. And he's just the cutest. I would post a picture of him..but, well, I don't know it just seems weird to post pictures of other people's kids sometimes? Right?

We also got to babysit four kids (I mean, sort of. Really most of them were old enough to watch themselves and two were teenagers and not kids. But anyway.) for five days while their parents were out of town. A lot of crazy things went down, but they were all so fantastic and so much fun. I was even pretty sad when I sent them all off to school on the last day. The whole experience made me realize how hard, crazy, tiring, joyful, and absolutely wonderful parenting can be. And I realized how easy it was for me to love them, even though I don't get to keep them. So, that made me feel a little less nervous about doing foster care. I mean, obviously that's not the same thing, but you know. Shout out to the Morgans! You guys are seriously the best.

Speaking of Foster Care...
We got our license in the mail on WEDNESDAY. Like, as in the Wednesday that we just had. As in this is official and it's really happening! Say What??? We're super excited. Expect a post exclusively about this in the near future.

Also, I realized that yesterday that we are anticipating the release of so many fantastic things:

• Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2...which I believe we release today
• Allegiant (the final book in the Divergent triology) October 22nd
• Catching Fire-the movie November 22nd
• The third season of  Sherlock, release date of who even knows
• Divergent, the movie March 20th
• Disney's Frozen, November 27th

This past week Jayson has been working in Cache Valley, so Ruby and I decided to pay him a visit last night. I mean, free hotel? A good excuse to go to Logan? Well, obviously we would go. And it was Ruby's first hotel stay! We didn't get there until around 7:30 at night, and since we had Ruby we couldn't go out to eat, so we got a to go order from Texas Road House and can I just tell you that I kind of love getting restaurant food to go? Seriously, we got to eat all cozy in the hotel, just us. Also, our order wasn't ready in time when we went to pick it up, so they gave me a free Coke. Ten points for Texas Road House! And a billion more after that because...those rolls and honey butter! Ribs! Chicken tenders! And hello loaded sweet potato! Don't even get me started. Those loaded sweet potatoes are to die for. This morning Jayson had to leave early so we headed down for breakfast at six (I haven't woken up at six since I don't even know when) and then I went back to bed. After I woke up again Ruby and I packed up our stuff and went on a grand adventure down Center Street, west of Main Street, which is obviously one of the best places to take a walk. Those houses! I wanted to cry because they're so quaint and lovely. But, I'm sorry to tell you that I forgot my camera and my phone camera is absolutely the worst, so we don't have any pictures of the trip. Ok, that's a lie, I took two in the hotel with Jayson's phone, which I will instagram later. But, really they're not great. 

Hold the phone. I found a couple online.

I've actually been inside this one! It belongs (or at least it did at one time) to a member of the bishopric in one of my student wards up there. It's every bit as wonderful on the inside. And has secret passage ways. Seriously.

My other favorite was basically covered with Ivy and it was just the prettiest, but I couldn't find a picture. And basically all of the houses on that street are so lovely, so you really just need to go for a stroll.

Also, I decided to pay the island a visit because I haven't been there in a good long time and the Island Market is one of my favorite things, as they sell penny candies! So, I went down into the island, got lost and decided to forget about finding the Island Market. But, by a happy coincidence I found it while I was trying to find my way out of the Island and I bought some delicious gummy penny candy for the drive home.

And I also stopped for hot chocolate, which led me to the discovery of the pumpkin spice creamer. 

General Conference is next weekend, Fall is finally here, and my favorite month of the year, October, is almost here. And pumpkins! Life is good around our house. 

On Being Brave, Sorting Things, Comparing Books, and Other Musings

Bravery. Courage.

They seem to be very common themes in my life as of late.

Do you ever have that? Where some sort of theme keeps cropping up everywhere in life? And everything around you seems to be pointing to that theme? And you just keep learning about it? Or, maybe it's just that you keep noticing it.

Lately, for me, that theme is about being brave.

I think it all started with Sara Bareilles's song Brave. My favorite line,
"Since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty..."

For some reason those words reached deep inside of me.

And then, of course there was my re-reading of Harry Potter, where there is, of course, so much bravery.

Since my last post, I've been asking people to share their favorite books with me, or to recommend books to me that they think I'd like. Cameo, one of my dearest friends said this, "Kriss: The Fault in Our Stars (super sad, but reallllllly beautiful), Anna and the French Kiss (delightful, and super easy read with a dude that has a british accent), and Divergent (series, and the people get sorta sorted, which I know you like)."

And it was one of those moments when you realize just how well your friends know you. I mean, obviously I know that Cam knows me well. But, I do love a good sorting or categorization, but I don't think I even realized it until that moment. I mean, most of my favorite stories have them. Harry Potter has the Hogwarts houses. Avatar: The Last Airbender has the different nations with the different elements that they bend. And that sort of thing. Whenever I read/watch these sort of stories there's always a great need and desire in me to sort everyone I know into the categories.

Jayson and I like to listen to audio books when we go on long drives. He picked this time and he chose Divergent. I didn't even tell him that Cameo had recommended it to me. I didn't mention it at all, in fact. So, it seems that it was meant to be.

In Divergent there are five categories, or factions to which people are sorted into,
Dauntless, for the brave
Abnegation, for the selfless
Amity, for the kind and peace makers
Candor, for the honest
and Erudite, for the smart.

And, just as Gryffindor is the house that's most focused on in Harry Potter, Dauntless is the one you probably learn most about in Divergent. So, bravery enters my life once again.

Bravery is one of those characteristics that I've always admired, but I've never really thought of myself as brave or ever really becoming brave. I've never pegged myself as a Gryffindor and while listening to Divergent I kept thinking that there's no way I could ever be dauntless. Ever.

Lately though, I've been wondering if sorting people and labeling them in these categories is the wisest. I keep thinking about how in Harry Potter the Sorting hat wonders the same thing. In the fifth book he sings this as part of his song:

And never since the founders four
Were whittled down to three
Have the Houses been united
And they once were meant to be.
And now the Sorting Hat is here
And you all know the score:
I sort you into Houses
Because that is what I'm for,
But this year I'll go further,
Listen closely to my song:
Though condemned I am to split you
Still I worry that it's wrong,
Though I must fulfill my duty
And must quarter every year
Still I wonder whether sorting
May not bring the end I fear.
Oh, know the perils, read the signs,
The warning history shows,
For our Hogwarts is in danger
From external, deadly foes
And we must unite inside her
Or we'll crumble from within
I have told you, I have warned you..
Let the sorting now begin

And in the seventh book, when Harry is seeing Snape's memory where Snape is talking to Dumbledore about the dark mark getting darker on his arm and how Karkaroff intends to flee if it burns. Dumbledore asks,
"Are you tempted to join him?"
"No," said Snape, his black eyes on Fleur's and Roger's retreating figures. "I am not such a coward."
"No," agreed Dumbledore. "you are a braver man by far than Igor Karkaroff. You know, I sometimes think we sort too soon..."

And, I, like so many others I'm sure, have often wondered why Hermione wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw. I think one of the best explanations of this is when J.K. Rowling talks about why she thinks Hermione would have gone back to finish her last year at Hogwarts:

“She would definitely, definitely go back. And she would want to graduate, and I think that she was- I mean, I love Hermione. She went with Ron and Harry because she has a really good heart. That’s not about brain. Ultimately, she had a bigger heart than she had a brain and that’s saying something for Hermione. But did she- Was she naturally drawn to battle? No, she wasn’t. She’s not a Bellatrix. She’s not a woman who actually wants to be hurting, fighting, killing. Not at all. She would be glad to go back to school, be glad to get back to study, and then would join [Harry and Ron] at the Ministry.”

She was sorted into Gryffindor because her heart was bigger than her brain. Because when it came right down to it, even though she was brilliant, she would be brave, in that she would always do exactly what she felt was right, even if it wasn't the smartest or safest thing to do.

I have always figured that I am a Hufflepuff. I'm smart enough, but not particularly brilliant. I'm not powerful or power hungry. And, well I already told you that I haven't thought of myself as brave very often. I'm not . I mean, honestly, I'm a chicken. Over the past little while I've even been thinking that whatever bravery I used to have in me has seemed to disappear. I'm no thrill seeker and I don't usually do things just for the sake of overcoming my fears.Actually, I'm often satisfied completely with not overcoming them. I tried to explain this to Jayson when he kept insisting that I go on the really steep slide at Seven Peaks. Really, I have no desire to overcome that fear.

 But, I am loyal. And I like to think I'm pretty accepting of others.

So, I've often just thought that I'm just not brave and that's that.

But, here's the thing. Just because you are loyal doesn't mean you can't be brave or smart or powerful.
In the final Battle of Hogwarts when Voldemort asks that the people of Hogwarts surrender Harry it is the Gryffindors that stand up first to protect him, but then it's the Hufflepuffs that stand second. And when the houses are being led out and they are told that those of age can stay and fight all of the Slytherins leave, a number of Ravenclaw's stayed behind, and even more Hufflepuffs stayed, along with half of the Gryffindors.

So, you see, sometimes Hufflepuffs are brave. I think it is the fact that they are loyal, patient, true, and unafraid of toil that makes them brave at times like that.

And Snape was so brave. He was a Slytherin. Luna was also brave, and she was a Ravenclaw.

I mean, am I going to stop sorting people into what type of bender they are, what house they belong in or what faction they would choose in my head? Probably not. Because it's pretty fun. but I always want to keep in mind that people are more than one characteristic and labeling them with one doesn't change that.

In Divergent, one of the characters who is in the dauntless faction talks about how he doesn't just want to be fearless. He says that he also wants to be selfless, smart, honest, and kind.

In Avatar: the Last Airbender you are born with certain bending element abilities and you can't learn to bend another element, unless you are the Avatar of course. But, you can learn from them. Iroh, a firebender, studies the way other benders are to perfect his own firebending. In the end you learn that all of the elements are meant to give balance and harmony, not to divide.

So, maybe the sorting hat is right. And maybe Four is right. Maybe sometimes sorting can divide us. And, even more than that, I think that sometimes it makes us believe that if we have one of these characteristics we can't have another. I think that sometimes our best and strongest characteristics are the ones we strive to develop, rather than the ones that we are born with. Maybe being categorized like this makes us focus too much on developing the one attribute that we are branded with and we don't try to develop the others enough. I think there is power in being well-rounded.

 In Divergent one of my favorite characters says this,

 “I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different.”And, later another character says this: “...there is power in self-sacrifice.” 

I also have a theory that comes from these theories. My theory is that all of these attributes aren't all that different or divided. And they don't have to divide us. Like the elements, all characteristics within us and all characteristics that aren't in us, but that are in other people are meant to unite us. There is power in being brave. There is bravery in being selfless. It also takes loyalty to be brave. There is also power in having a brilliant mind. Having a brilliant mind can often give you the power and the means you need to be brave. Having wit about you can give you purpose in your bravery. It often takes bravery to be honest. The desire for eventual peace can drive us to be brave.

And, lately I've made a very important discovery: There is little difference, if any, to faith and bravery.

I have found a lot that having faith is a lot harder than I ever thought it was. I've faultered so much. I've doubted more than I ever thought I could. But, in the end, my faith grows and I let go of doubt for faith. And if there has ever been a time when I have had to be brave it was in having faith.

I need to have Faith in God's plan for me. I need to be brave.

I think bravery often means something different than we think it does. Or, rather, that there are a lot of different kinds of bravery. At least, for me,  I'm scared of a lot things. I worry a lot. But, that doesn't mean I can't be brave. I don't have to jump out of planes to be brave. Some of my favorite quotes in Divergent illustrate this beautifully:

"We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.”

“Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”

I think the kind of bravery I have, or at least that I try to have, is like that. It's not generally visable to others, but it's inside of me. It's almost never extraordinary, but in ordinary every day things. My first instinct is not usually to be brave, but I'm beginning to discover that I am brave and that I always have been. If I believe in something strongly enough or if I want something badly enough I will be brave. I like to think that maybe I'm a little like Hermione in that I will be brave when it really counts. I'm beginning to see that sometimes, even though I'm a Hufflepuff, I have a little bit of Gryffindor in me. And even though while I was reading Divergent I couldn't detect an ounce of dauntless in myself I know it's there. It's there even more than I ever knew. It's something I've developed over time, yes. But, also, I think it's something that is in my nature. Something that was always there, but that I just had to find and discover. And, more than anything, I had to want to be brave.

And I do. I want to be brave. And I want to be smart, powerful, kind, peaceful, loyal, honest, and self-less.

And just because I'm one doesn't mean I can't be another. And just because some of those characteristics are weaker than others for me doesn't mean that they'll always be that way. I can develop them. Or, maybe they're already inside of me and I just have to figure out a way to get them out.

I am not Hufflepuff. I am not Gryffindor. I am not Amity. I am not Dauntless.

I am me. I am brave. And so many other things.

And so are you.

Reading Books and Other Things

I know I just barely wrote yesterday and I basically never post two days in a row...but I just feel like writing. So, there you go.

So, lately I've been thinking...Hey! Maybe I should get a job.

Because in case you didn't know I haven't been working since June. I quit my job in June. It's a long story, but just in case you're wondering I was pretty happy about it.

So, I've been voluntarily unemployed all Summer. And you know what? It's kind of the been the best thing ever. For some reason I feel really weird and pathetic saying that, but it's the best. It's not that I just love to bum around all day (although some days that is nice). But, I've loved having things to do that I've always wanted to do. I'm learning to actually love to cook. I love getting things around the house accomplished (well, sometimes). I love that I'm able to babysit so often for my family and friends. I have more opportunities to serve. I started sewing and crocheting again, things I've been wanting to do for FOREVER. And I've been reading. Sometimes I forget how much I really love to read!
But, more on reading later.

So. Yes. A job.

It's not that I really hated my previous job. The people were really wonderful, the benefits were really nice, the PTO was fantastic, and it was a good company to work for. But, man, the actual job I was doing...well. Let's just say it wasn't my very favorite. It was my this-job-is-just-temporary-until-I-have-a-baby sort of job. And, well. It was a 3 1/2 year temporary job is what it was. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't quit sooner, but then I remember that trying to find a job whilst putting all of your energy into infertility treatments/adoption process/foster care process really just wasn't going to happen anyway.

So, I feel like I'm at some sort of crossroads/maybe quarter life crisis sort of point. Not a quarter life crisis in a regretful sort of way, but more of a confused sort of crisis. I liken unto that fact that this past month I've bee SO ready for Summer to be over, but then not at all ready for Fall yet, so I've just been sitting in Limbo and really confused about what I actually want things to be. Which is super weird because Fall is my favorite and by the start of August I'm always ready for it to be here. (Worry not though, we're over that. We're in full let-it-be-fall mode over here.)

Because, for the most part, I don't regret my choices. I just don't really know what to choose next.

So, let me just tell you. I want to get a job (well, ok, half of the time I want to), but it's confusing. I really really want to be a stay at home mom once I have kids. It might seem really weird and silly to many, but it's my life's ambition. That's my dream job. I know it's not glamorous and some might think I'm not reaching high enough or that I'm not achieving enough. I know it's not everyone's goal and we all have different dreams. I'm not saying that it better be your dream too or else. I'm just saying it's mine. But, of course, the timing of that is a mystery.
And, here's the thing. I know I shouldn't put my life on hold waiting for things. But, also, there is a good chance that we might be doing foster care (more about that later.) if adoption doesn't work out soon. And, working is not highly recommended when you're a foster parent, especially if younger children are placed in your home. Also, when you're a foster parent you don't usually have much notice of when a child is coming, so what do you tell your employer? "Hey, we had a foster child placed in our home last night, so basically I'm not working anymore, Peace!" I mean, I just really don't know.

Also, I feel like I've finally gotten into a really great grove of this being at home thing where I'm actually pretty productive most of the time and accomplishing most of the things I want to. And loving it. And being pretty good at it. And those sorts of things.

Anyway, I've been job searching tonight and there are quite a few jobs that look really appealing. Like, ones that would use my degree and everything! But, again, I just don't even know what to do.

I could just get some temporary jobs or something. But, I don't want to get stuck at a job I don't like very much again, thank you very much.

What I actually want to do instead of make money is to spend it on school. I think it would be so wonderful to study literature (we'll get to the whole reading part of this post eventually, I swear). I have a few friends that are really passionate about art history and they always make me want to study that whenever they talk about it. I also want to get a degree in Social Work. And writing! I have learned that I love to write. And people have told me I'm pretty good it. I never really knew! So, what I really want to do is to never work, but to always learn. But, well, school doesn't pay for our really expensive COBRA insurance. Without which, I might not be so stressed about this job thing. Because, you sort of have to have health insurance to adopt and insurance companies aren't very keen to insure infertile people. Another time though, it's a story for another time.

And, don't worry. We're not starving or anything. We're fine. It's just that extra money would be very helpful. Especially for saving up. Especially if we decide do adopt through a private agency because...shoot. That's expensive.

Although, if I were I student I could probably get student health insurance. Now, there really might be something there...

But, the semester has already started, so really there isn't anything that can be done about that right now. I always tend to think of these sort of things too late in the game.

But then, somewhere in the midst of job searching I got distracted by books and decided that I think the best solution is that I stay home and read all of the time because I have now compiled a list of no less than 30 books that I want to read right this very second. I want to get lost in their lovely stories while I soak in the tub, lay in the sun, or snuggle up on the couch with my big white afghan with Ruby at on the floor next to the couch, also snuggled up in my big white afghan. Man I love that afghan. I love the way it feels, the way it looks....anyway. Now we're getting way off topic.

What I really meant for this post to be about was reading. But, I guess I just needed to get that job stuff out of my system or something.

So, I want to show you my list of books.

• The William Joyce books (the ones that the movie The Rise of the Guardians was based off of.  I've actually already read a couple of them. They're delightful.)
• Chronicles of Narnia- Obviously I've already read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but still.
• Great Expectations
• A Tale of Two Cities- I sort of read this once in High School and I really liked it, but I never finished it. I have a bad habit of not finishing books.
• Peter Pan- I've actually read this a couple of times before, but it's one of my very favorites.
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• James and the Giant Peach
• The Grass Harp-I've also read this. It's another favorite.
• The Adventures of Tom Sawyer- I can't believe I've never read this. My dad loves this book. You guys, my dad does not read. Well, actually he reads hunting, fishing, and taxidermy magazines. But, not books. So, this is a big deal.
• Winnie the Pooh
• Little Women- I started this one and never finished it. You guys, it's a problem.
• The Secret Garden
• Matilda
• Anne of Green Gables
• The Little Prince
• Alice in Wonderland
• The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
• Mary Poppins
• East of Eden

And a few that I've never heard much about, but just found on lists on the internet that look fun

• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
• Boy by Roald Dahl
• The Witches
• The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

So, apparently I'm pretty into children's literature. 

And, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there are not thirty bullets. But, let us remember that some of the bullets are series, so I promise there are at least thirty. What are your favorite books? What books do you recommend? I kind of want to do something crazy like read fifty books in a year or something. Probably that won't actually happen, but still. I just want all of you to tell me what books you love. Or what books you think I would love. I want a book list that goes on forever. 

For a second I thought about starting a book club. Some of you may remember that I tried that once. It was pretty small and we read one book and that was the end of that. So, obviously I'm the worst book club president ever.

Also, there are about a hundred crafts that I want to make, but I will bore you with that some other time.

Sorry you guys. I know, I know. This post is the craziest.

Over and out.

Once Upon a Logan

There's just something about this place. 

Jayson and I decided that we needed a little get away so we decided to go up to Logan for a Saturday a couple of weekends ago. 

Few things make my heart happier than this little place.

Because it's so lovely. It holds so many happy memories. It's the place the place where I made some of the happiest memories with some of my best friends. It's where I made so many new, dear friends. It was the first place that I was really on my own, where I started my very own life. We spent our first year of marriage here. It just feels like it's the place where everything began.

I think I've gotten over the it-feels-weird-to-be-in-Logan-and-not-have-it-be-my-home-and-not-be-in-school-anymore thing. Although, if I'm being honest I'd have to say that for like five minutes it made both Jayson and me wish we were in school again. 

When I spend a fair amount of time in any one place I tend to find places that are mine. Or, at least, that feel like mine. There are SO many of those sort of places in Logan. I feel like they all hold a little bit of me inside of them. 

Remember how I used to work with pigeons in here?

I always thought these were super cool.

Do you see all of that ivy on the side of that building? That place is mine. Those leaves change color in the fall time. It's glorious. And that building behind it is the TSC. I basically lived there most of the time. Also, inside it is the most comfy couch you will ever nap on. A couch which is, of course, mine. 

Ever since my first time ever on campus I fell in love with this fountain. I remember it being under construction a lot or often turned off when it was too cold, so it being on has always felt like a rare treat. 

This place wasn't mine, but I have ever intention of making it so. It's so lovely. 

I'm sure you'd agree in saying that this place is yours too. I think everyone that has ever gone to USU have probably fallen in love with Old Main.

But...has everyone been in the bell tower? I mean, not in the part with the bell (which, I think is actually electronic and not actually a bell. and the door is ALWAYS locked.), but in the place just below it. Please ignore my reflection and notice the lovely view.

Be still my heart.

See? It's pretty high up there. 

And this pathway! Few things are better than this pathway. 

But alas, one of my spots is missing. The old Aggie Science building used to be where all of that grass is. I will forever miss that computer lab. Those computer chairs were the best.

And the Logan Temple It's one of my favorites because it's pretty unique and it was our temple for the first year of our marriage. Also, one of my favorite trees of all time is in front of it. 

So, now I'm trying to hatch a plan wherein we move back to Cache Valley. Any ideas?

The Thing About Harry Potter

Wherein I explain to you how Harry Potter relates to my current life.

So, as I said before, I've been re-reading all of the Harry Potter books this Summer. Back in May I was in need of a great distraction and we were also in need of a story to listen to on the way to my dad's property, and so it began.

It seems like every time I re-read the series I have different favorites and different least favorites. Different things strike me and different things really speak to me. But, one thing is for sure, I always love them.

This time was no exception. In fact, I think this time I really connected with them more than ever before.

The first few books were delightful as usual. I always love reading the first one because I love reading about Harry discovering the wizarding world for the first time. It's so magical. Pun intended. You're welcome. And I love reading about Harry and Ron becoming friend and then later how they become friends with Hermione. I love meeting so many of the characters I love for the first time. It's just such a sweet beginning and it makes my heart smile.

And then comes the fourth book. The fourth book was the hardest and (much to my surprise) probably my least favorite this time around. I still loved it, of course, but man. The fourth book is hard. It's where things start to really get serious. People start dying. Lord Voldemort comes back. The fun and games are over. We're in the big leagues now. And that sort of thing. Plus, I sort of hate the Triwizard Tournament. It makes me SO anxious.

The fifth book is always my least favorite. However, I was surprised to find that this time around it was actually one of my favorites. This is where the story started to sink deep into my heart, connecting with me, and where re-reading these books turned out to be exactly what I needed. From the wise old age of 25 I've come to appreciate the beauty in all of the terribleness that is the fifth book. Yes it drags. Yes Umbridge is awful. Yes Harry is crazy. But, if we're being honest I've been the craziest over the Summer, so I really connected to crazy Harry. I was just like, "Don't even worry Harry. I totally get it. Sometimes life is really hard and your emotions are right on the edge all of the time and with the slightest disturbance they will explode. I feel ya." We really get each other, crazy Harry and me.

And the sixth book. Oh, the sixth book. It was my favorite and I do believe that it is my actual, true favorite. I love it every time. This is actually a really odd fact, considering how much I love and adore Dumbledore. I always cry when he dies. ALWAYS. Both in the book and the movie. So, that part is awful, but the rest of it...oh it's just grand. I read the first two chapters this time and I was like, "This one is my favorite!" I loved it so much, in fact, that I stayed up until four in the morning finishing it one night. I haven't stayed up until four in the morning since....I don't even know when. Maybe since my days as a student? I love chapter 2, Spinner's End, even though its fairly creepy. I just like the way it flows and how it sounds. And Dumbledore just keeps getting more awesome.  And everything in it is just really great.

Let us take a moment to appreciate how beautiful chapter twenty-three, Horcruxes, is. I cried. It's just the best. It's a beautiful description of the power of love.

..."Yes, you have," said Dumbledore firmly. "You have a power that
Voldemort has never had. You can --"
"I know!" said Harry impatiently. "I can love!" It was only with difficulty
that he stopped himself adding, "Big deal!"...
...It is essential that you understand this!" said Dumbledore, standing up
and striding about the room, his glittering robes swooshing in his wake;
Harry had never seen him so agitated. "By attempting to kill you, Voldemort
himself singled out the remark-able person who sits here in front of me, and
gave him the tools for the job! It is Voldemort's fault that you were able to
see into his thoughts, his ambitions, that you even understand the snakelike
language in which he gives orders, and yet, Harry, despite your privileged
insight into Voldemort's world (which, incidentally, is a gift any Death Eater
would kill to have), you have never been se-duced by the Dark Arts, never,
even for a second, shown the slight-est desire to become one of Voldemort's
followers!"
"Of course I haven't!" said Harry indignantly. "He killed my mum and
dad!"
"You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!" said Dum-bledore
loudly. "The only protection that can possibly work against the lure of power
like Voldemort's! In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the
suffering, you remain pure of heart, just as pure as you were at the age of
eleven, when you stared into a mir-ror that reflected your heart's desire, and
it showed you only the way to thwart Lord Voldemort, and not immortality
or riches. Harry, have you any idea how few wizards could have seen what
you saw in that mirror?

"Voldemort should have known then what he was

dealing with, but he did not! But he knows it now. You have flitted into Lord
Voldemort's mind without damage to yourself, but he cannot possess you
with-out enduring mortal agony, as he discovered in the Ministry. I do not
think he understands why, Harry, but then, he was in such a hurry to mutilate
his own soul, he never paused to understand the incomparable power of a
soul that is untarnished and whole."...
...But he understood at last what Dumbledore had been trying to tell him. It

was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face

a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high.

Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the

two ways, but Dumble-dore knew -- and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush

of fierce pride, and so did my parents -- that there was all the difference in

he world.

The incomparable power of a soul that is untarnished and whole. I love that. The power of a soul that is full of love and filled with the desire to do good.
One of my favorite things about the Harry Potter books are the characters. I love so many of them. I love how different they all are, but also how truly good so many of them are. I've come to find lately just how wonderful it is to love and to be loved. When in trying times there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that there are people who truly care for you, who are routing you on. There's something truly wonderful about having people that love and know you well enough to know exactly how to help you when you're down. There is nothing that protects you more from letting trying times get the best of you than those you love. Love is truly our greatest protection from choosing the light over the dark. It's also the way that we can continue to see the light even when we are enduring dark times. Love and the faith that from great acts of love good things will happen, that is the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to death and walking into the arena with your head held high. For me having faith in the love of my Savior and having loved ones around me to give me strength is that difference. Faith in knowing that because He loves me He will always direct me to the best path. How you endure things and what you choose to gain from them is everything. It's never about what you endure, but how you endure. It's so hard for me to remember that sometimes and I definitely don't always endure things well, but what a great reminder of one of the loveliest of truths. 

And, doesn't the seventh book frustrate you? It always frustrates me. But, this time I felt like I understood it more perfectly than every before. It's frustrating in the most perfect of ways. This time in reading the seventh book I didn't bask in the victory of the great battle as I normally do, but I reveled in frustration and hardship of the hunt for the horcruxes and in the victory of finally finding them and figuring everything out. Mainly, I think, because these days I feel rather like I'm in the midst of a hunt for horcruxes. Particularly at the part where they have discovered that the sword of Gryffindor is what they need to kill the horcuxes, but they haven't a clue how to obtain it. During this part Harry, Ron, and Hermione are mad. They're confused. They're...frustrated. They have no idea what they're doing. They have a few things that lead them in the right direction, but for the most part they're lost. Things do not look promising for them. From where they're standing when moving from camp to camp it doesn't seem like there's any possible way they'll ever figure everything out. There are too many road blocks and they feel doomed. They can't figure out why Dumbledore didn't take the time to explain everything for them. 

You guys, this is how it feels sometimes when dealing with the great battle of infertility/adoption. I'm frustrated, confused and lost. I don't understand why I can't know what God's plan for me is or how or when it's going to unfold. I feel like I keep hitting road block after road block. I keep getting set back and no matter how hard I try things often end up feeling pointless and a waste of time. I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes it feels like building my family is never meant to work out. I might as well be hunting horcuxes with random bits of knowledge, a book of children's tales, an old snitch, and a deluminator. 

But, slowly, but surely, drop by drop, things start to work out for the great trio. They start figuring out that Dumbledore knew exactly what he was doing and he left them certain things for a reason. There was a reason that they needed to figure things out for themselves instead of having him tell them everything. Things worked out better in the end because they had to discover things for themselves. Harry needed time to work out the horcruxes vs hallows battle in order to make the right choice. Dumbledore knew that. He knew Ron would need the deluminator, that he wold always want to come back. They just needed to have faith in Dumbledore and that he had reasons for the way he did things. Having faith in Dumbledore was very hard, I'm sure. Especially since what he left them with was confusing and seemed like only half of what they needed. And because he was a human and imperfect. He had made great mistakes before. But, they knew in their hearts what was right and they continued onward no matter how hard things got.  

How lucky are we to have a Heavenly Father that is perfect and all knowing to put our faith and trust in? How much easier is it knowing that the person I have to put my faith in someone who is all knowing, someone who doesn't make mistakes. Even though things can be hard at times I know that if I put my faith in Him, He will show me the way. I know deep in my heart that I'm on the right path and that there is wisdom in what now appears to be madness. I know that things will unfold and someday I'll understand why things had to happen this way. I know that someday I'll understand why knowledge and understanding of His plan for me weren't given all at once. I'll know why the seemingly useless tools were given. I know I just need to trust Him. I just need to have faith. I need to be brave.

Like a Gryffindor.