That August of Yesteryear

Two years ago this month I was anticipating becoming a mother of a little baby boy.

It all started back in the beginning March of 2013. Jayson and I were on our way home from Hawaii. My mom had sent me a text saying that a dear childhood friend of mine had been trying to get a hold of me because she knew of someone thinking of placing her baby for adoption. So many emotions ran through me at this point. I was excited, but then I wondered if I should be excited?! Or should I be nervous? Definitely anxious. Adoption is a crazy thing.
Anyway, I finally got a hold of her and we chatted about the situation. But then I didn't really hear anything about it for a few weeks.
On March 30th one of my oldest (and by oldest I mean the length of time that we've been friends, not her age) and dearest friends got married. It was on the night of her reception that my childhood friend sent me a message to call her when I had time to talk. And my heart fluttered and sank and lept and broke all at the same time. I showed Jayson and then I disappeared into the tower of the Old McMullin House and Jayson frantically tried to find me. All my friends thought it was pretty weird that he was freaking out so badly about where I was, ha ha! Anyway, up in that tower, my friend told me that her friend had decided to place with us. She wasn't due until August 9th, but she was sure she wanted to place with us. As I came back down to the party I found it was mostly over and that that my mom and some of my best friends already knew why I had gone up there. I got to share the happy news with all of them right in the excitement of the moment. If nothing else, I am glad for this experience and I am writing it down to re-live that moment. That moment will always be in my books as one of the sweetest and dearest of my life. Almost everyone there was hugging me and weeping for joy with me. It was perfect.
On our way home we stopped at Jayson's parents house to tell them the happy news and his parents, his two youngest sister, and of friend of theirs were there and that was also such a special and joyful moment. We called my Dad and Step-mom (we didn't go in person because my Step-mom was sick) and there was more happiness all around.
Over the course of the next four months we got to know the expectant mother and we prepared to be parents. I remembered secretly hoping she would have him a tiny bit early so that he would be born in July because when I miscarried I was due in July and I was convinced it was a boy, so wouldn't all of that just make so much sense?! These are the type of things I would tell myself to convince myself it was going to happen and that it was right. But, if I'm being honest, things felt off from time to time. Then, a few weeks before her due date she sort of just stopped answering everyone involved for the most part, even my childhood friend. The baby was due August 9th and that first week of August was a time of really high anxiety and anticipation. We didn't know if we should be waiting for a phone call any day or if we should be giving up. We decided to paint the nursery anyway. We had finished the first coat when I decided I just had to know, so I decided to try to find her on facebook. I wasn't (and didn't) going to contact her that way, I just wanted to see if her page gave any signs of the baby being born. And, sure enough, there was a picture of her with her whole family and the new baby. At the moment I was honestly just relieved to know. The next day I finished painting the nursery, since we had already started, so we might as well finish. And then when I put down the paintbrush it hit me, so I sat there, in our extra bedroom, covered in paint, and had myself a really good cry.
(Little did I know that I was painting that room for a sweet little boy who would come to us just two and a half months later.)
When Jayson got home from work we shirked all responsibilities and he took me to Cafe Rio to get some Coconut Shrimp Tacos (my favorite!) and then we saw some friends later. And then we began the road to healing.

I don't blame this mother at all for her choice to parent. I don't harbor any ill feelings towards her. If we would have adopted him I'm fairly certain we wouldn't have our Little Guy or our Jane and I can't imagine life without them. I'm sure I would have loved him just as much, but still, it seems things worked out for the best. And even if we didn't have these two kiddos I don't think I would hold this against her or have bitter feelings towards her because it was absolutely her choice to make. This experience also gave me something to compare the feeling of Jane's adoption to. I remember meeting Angela and talking to her and just thinking that this experience felt so different than the first. It didn't ever feel off. It just always felt right, so when it came to it, I wasn't worried. I had only hope.
 If I'm being honest, this little boy doesn't cross my mind all that often. But every now and then, like when I pass the Old McMullin House, or when it's August, or other random various times, I think about this little boy. This little boy who must be two by now, but who will probably always remain a newborn baby in my mind. I think about how he is doing and how I hope that he is happy. I sometimes wonder what he is like and what he is interested in. It feels strange that he was once so close to being my son and I don't even know his name.

So, this is to you, Little Baby Boy. You'll always have a little place in my heart.

The Daddy-daughter Dance.

So, we just got home from a wedding. It was a really cute one and I got to see people I've known since before I can remember. Most of them were a huge part of my childhood and it is always so nice to catch up with them.

Anyway, I have often wondered why it was so hard for parents to marry off their children. I mean, they aren't dying, right? You want them to get married, right?

Except now I know. I mean, sort of. Obviously I've never done that. But I think I get it now. During the daddy-daughter dance it took everything I had to keep myself from sobbing uncontrollably in front of everyone. I was doing fine and just enjoying the moment with everyone else and then suddenly the chorus came on.

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it's still hard to give her away
I loved her first

I know, It's probably the song that is most often danced to during this dance. In fact, I am pretty positive I danced with my dad to this song at my wedding. So, I've heard it hundreds of times, but today was different. Today I had this crazy realization during the song:
I'm probably going to have to do this one day.
And then I just died.

I had such a hard time when my little guy first went to preschool, but he LOVED it from day one. He would be like, "I'm a taller kid now (what he used to say to mean a big kid) because I go to school by myself." He was so proud. It was is so hard to know that there are a few hours on some days that I don't know what he's doing or talking about, etc. I know that probably sounds totally crazy, but I'm just so used to being there for pretty much every moment of everyday with my kiddos, so missing out on things, even little things like that, is hard. And lately he's started the whole wanting to go play at friend's houses without me thing and I was totally not prepared for that. I mean, what does he think he is...like 12 or something?!
Ok, obviously kids go play at friends houses much younger than that all the time, but still. I was just not prepared for it so soon.
Lately I've also been thinking about how I was hardly ever home in high school. I was always out with friends, at school, at work, at swim practice, etc. And I realized that's going to happen one day too. And I just can't handle it. My heart is going out to all of you moms of teenagers right now.

And then tonight, I realized that one day my kids will have their own lives and their own families, and suddenly I understand why my mom wanted me to come home every single weekend when I was in Logan. I finally get why my dad had such a hard time when I got married. The thought of not being a part of my kids every day lives is kind of unbearable.

But, I guess that's the point, isn't it? We're supposed to raise these kiddos so that they can one day be good at being adults and being out on their own. So, why is it so hard for us as parents when they become independent? I mean, in some ways it's really great and makes me beam with pride. But it's also just really hard.

I guess the only thing we can really do is help them prepare for those moments and enjoy them being little while it lasts.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice not blinking.

Smelling All the Roses Right Now

I've been wanting to write for a long time now, but I have had so many thoughts about so very many things over the past months that writing a post that made any sense seemed like an extremely daunting task. But, lately, I've realized there are so many memories that are happening right now that I want to preserve.

 I actually did write a post weeks ago that made no sense at all and was completely insane and I was really glad I never published it after the fact (I probably shouldn't be allowed to publicly post my thoughts after 11 pm. Just sayin.). However, it was really therapeutic and really cleared my mind, so I think I can write something that makes sense now. So, here we go. I'm giving this blog thing another try.

Summer is my second favorite season. It's a very close second, as I love summer with the depths of my soul, but I can't help but love Fall a tiny bit more. It actually doesn't make a whole lot of sense because I really don't like any temperature over about 75% and I'm usually ready to kiss summer goodbye by about mid-July, but there is just something about Summer that is really dreamy. The long hours of sunlight, the carefree feeling in the air. The mountains! The lakes! I think it's safe to say that 75% of my favorite memories from my childhood happened in the summertime. I think that's why I'm not quite ready to kiss summer goodbye this year. Not yet anyway. (Although I can't pretend I haven't already been dreaming of long sleeve shirts, scarves, changing leaves, Halloween costumes, and all things pumpkin!) Because there is a great deal of magic in this summer.

 I love watching my sweet Littles play outside (because that is all they ever want to do) for hours. We've taken to the mountains and lakes quite a lot this summer, and while going on so many weekend trips is exhausting for everyone, it has been worth it. Watching them discover the world is one of my very favorite things about having kids. We went to Christmas Meadows in the Uintas this past weekend, because Jayson has wanted to go for years and I was obviously on board because...HELLO. It's called CHRISTMAS Meadows! Anyway, we didn't end up getting there until late Thursday night and the kids didn't go to sleep until like 11, but my heart was bursting because even in the dark the kids were SO excited to be there (That and the fact that I almost died because the smell of pine was so delicious.). They were running around, exploring, laughing, and smiling from ear to ear. The next morning was so lovely. The little guy caught a fish, which he was over the moon about. We went on a hike, in which I let the kids get as dirty as their hearts desired, and they played in the water and soaked themselves in the river. It was the stuff that dreamy summertime bliss is made of. We also sat by Lilly Lake and did some more fishing and they explored, threw rocks in the lake, and played in the dirt some more.

I'm rambling now, but my point is, having little kids is just the most lovely and magical of things.

The Little Guy is becoming more independent by the day. For example, he is really into Spider-man right now. I don't know how it happened. I mean, I love super-hero movies as much as the next person, but they aren't something we obsess over in our house. He is still in love with How to Train your Dragon, and dinosaurs. He also has an obsession with cheetahs because of the Wild Krats. And he hardly ever wants to watch princess movies anymore, which is terribly heartbreaking. Although, he will still watch the Tinkerbell movies, which is great, because have you seen the Tinkerbell movies?! They are so good. I know you don't believe me, and I don't blame you. I wouldn't have believed it either until I saw them myself. But I digress.

He's also been really into picking out his own clothes lately, which is both frustrating (because I LOVE  baby and kid clothes, so picking out his outfits has always been a dream) and fun (because seeing what he comes up with can be both hilarious and really cute). For example, the other day he came out in his church pants, transformer shirt, Spider-man tennis shoes, and his Toothless beanie. I just about died. I let him play outside in it until it was time to get ready for church because it was just too good. He also refuses to wear shorts or sandals as of late and I have no idea why? He has also been begging to wear long sleeve shirts for weeks and I finally let him one day and, strangely enough, he hasn't asked again since. He is also pretty keen on wearing Christmas pajamas lately, so maybe he's dreaming of cooler weather too. Letting go of the notion that I can forever choose what he wears and what his interests are is hard guys. I'm not the only one who feels this way, right?!
But seeing him become his own person is also my favorite. It's so fun to see what sticks with him, what his interests are, what clothes he picks, etc. Plus, watching him dress up in costumes and play pretend are just the greatest. And he has been less independent than most kids his age up until this point, so I think this is a good sign. A sign that he is growing and feeling comfortable. I love that he is old enough that I can have conversations with him now and outings with him are so delightful. He also likes to tell me I look beautiful whenever I am wearing a dress or a skirt. This kid I tell you. He's as good as gold.

Jane is at such a fun age. She loves to lift things. She absolutely adores the Little Guy and thinks everything he does or has is the coolest and she must do and have those things as well!
 Honestly, despite this being a difficult age of uncontrollable emotion and getting into everything, and never accepting no as an answer (is that the age or is she just stubborn? I mean, I know she is stubborn, but i don't know how stubborn other kids are at this age.), this might be one of my very favorite ages. She is such a delight. She thinks the silliest things are so funny and her laugh is one of my favorite sounds in the world. It's so fun to see her discovering how things work, understanding words, figuring out her likes and dislikes, etc. Summer has been so fun with her this year. Being outside is her favorite thing and she rushes to the door every single time it opens and tries to escape. Her other favorite thing is riding in things. Whether it be a shopping card, a stroller, a wagon, or her super cool bike/stroller thing that Grandma Cindy got her, she's excited. She is also getting snugglier by the day (and she knows what snuggle and hugs mean, so if you ask her to do it she will, if she wants to.) She  loves to point at everything and wait for me to tell her what the name of it is, which is so fun. She also refuses to wave to people, but LOVES to point at them. We're working on that. But, hey, at least she isn't doing the Nazi sign to people instead of waving anymore. Sometimes I want to freeze time because she seems to be growing up so fast. Everyday she seems more like a toddler than a baby and I can't even believe it.

I just want to soak up every second with these kiddos at these sweet stages. Yes, being a mom is HARD. it's the most challenging thing I've ever done. I also love it more than any other job I've ever had. I've been working extra hard, not only for me to stop and smell the roses, but to let them as well. Sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in either hurrying or trying too hard to create magic in a moment, when in reality, if I just let them be themselves and do what they want in the moment sometimes the magic creates itself, and they ALWAYS create it better than me.Watching the world through their little eyes is the sweetest of all things. I can honestly say that I am grateful for them every single day and they were worth every single hard moment I went through trying to get them. Motherhood right now is the bees knees.

Because I Want To

I think that's the longest break I've ever taken from blogging!
I have honestly been meaning to blog for months...but I almost always fall asleep before I mean to at night these days because Jane has become a terrible sleeper. She used to be soo good! She'd sleep through the night from 3-7 months.
And then she got her first tooth and sleeping through the night was a thing of the past.

But that's not really what I want to blog about.

I've really missed writing. I can't really call myself a writer, per say, but I do really enjoy it.



But here's what I've realized from my hiatus: I don't really like writing updates. I don't like telling you about my trips. I don't like uploading hundreds of pictures. And, here's the epiphany part, I realized that I don't have to write about those things if I don't want to.
So.
I'm just going to write about what I want. I'm not going to try to catch up and tell you all about the holidays. Because aint nobody got time for things they don't have to and don't want to do. I'm going to make a goal to write something every week. Because I want to.
If you want to see all of my pictures and updates add me on Instagram, k?
Intagram is totally my social media jive, by the way. It's by far my favorite. Everytime I look at my account I am reminded of how lovely and wonderful my life really is. I love that it allows me to capture tiny, but sweet moments with my little family that I hold so dear in my heart. And I love getting a glimpse of those moments in other people's lives!



Ok, so maybe I lied a little bit. Because this is going to sort of be an update. But, only because I want to. And I will probably do an update/re-cap of Jane turning one at some point in time. You're welcome.

Right now we're in the process of moving and can I just say...yuck. Moving is the absolute worst. And so is buying and selling your house. The entire process has honestly been such a nightmare, but that's a story for another day. Mostly because I don't want to write it out right now. Do you see what I just did there? I'm the boss of this blog and I write what I want.
Anyway, I have so many mixed feelings on the move. I have loved this house since the day I saw it. For years I would feel so happy every single time I pulled in the driveway. This was our first house. We put so much work into it. We started our family here. There have been countless happy moments within these walls. We also had so many plans for the house and the yard that we never got to and that makes me really sad because I feel like I let the house and yard down (what? I know, it doesn't even make any sense.). And our neighbors! They are the absolute best and it's so hard to imagine having neighbors this good anywhere else. But, at some point in time everyone has to ask themselves,
"Are you going to love it?"
"Or are you going to list it?"
I literally thought about this for like 6 months.
In the end we decided we had to list it. (obviously.)
There's just not enough space, especially if we intend to have more kids one day, which we do.



Which brings me to another point. I feel like when you're baby turns one you are obligated to start thinking about your next kid. Does anyone else feel this pressure?! I honestly haven't had that many people ask me about it, but I just feel the pressure.
But, let me just tell you, not because people have asked, but because I want to. (Because, you really should't ask! But, that's a blog post for another day. And not because I don't want to, because I really want to! It's just because it deserves its own blogpost.)
So, are we going to adopt or do Foster care again?!
Not right this minute. Honestly, I just don't feel like it's time yet. Yes, I get baby hungry when I see newborns! But who doesn't? I can't put my finger on it, but there has always been something really magical about the two kiddos we have. I remember when we left to bring Jane home and the four of us were together for the first time since Jane was born and I felt complete. I don't think it meant that our family was complete, but that at that moment, we were complete. I know, I know. It doesn't make any sense! I have felt that same feeling countless other times. There is just something really special about the four of us and I'm not ready for that to be over. Right now we're good. We're so happy with the way things are I'm also not ready to dive into the world of disappointment and despair that ultimately comes with trying to grow your family and being infertile. This year and a half long break without that looming over my head has been an absolute dream and I just don't think I'm mentally or emotionally ready to dive into that business right now. I'm also not ready for Jane to not be the baby anymore. I'm soaking up every single second of this golden one year old stage. I think it might be my favorite! Can I get all the heart eye emoticons for this one?!



Can I just talk for a minute about how our Little Guy is in preschool?! He started school the same week Jane turned one, Little Guy decided he was too big for his booster seat for the table, and Jane learned to climb the stairs. Crush my heart!
Anyway, I had no intention of putting him in preschool. I was actually really looking forward to teaching him myself at home and then doing joyschool with some friends that have kiddos his age. But, after months of thought and prayer I agreed to put him in a preschool that was recommended to us. I was so sad to send him off and completely unprepared for that, but it felt like the very best decision for him in the end. It's only a couple of times a week and really not a big deal at all, but it sure felt like it during the deciding process. I think that because I wanted to be a mom so long I try my very hardest to hold onto every single moment and not having him home seemed too sad. It has been nice for us to get breaks from one another  though, and spending one on one time with Jane has been nice too. Plus, he absolutely loves it! Although, it has made him feel like a big kid and now wants to be super independent, so I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that...
But, his teachers love him and say he's so smart and such a good role model for the other kids. You guys, he really is just a golden kid. He's honestly the sweetest and kindest little kid that I know. And he sees the world through the prettiest rose colored glasses that anyone could ever own. He seems to only see the good in this world and therefore, ends up being so much of the good in this world.



Also, it's Springtime! And I find myself excited about that, which is really odd. Normally it's really not my favorite. For whatever reason this particular change in season always puts me in a bit of a funk, but this year I'm just soaking up every second of those pretty blossoms outside. But maybe that's because April has just begun? Like, as in, 40 minutes ago. For me, April generally really is the cruelest month. But, I have high hopes that it will not be the case this year. I'm just feeling really hopeful these days.

I decided recently that I need a thing. I feel like everyone has a thing. I have friends that read a ton, friends that write, craft, sing, crossfit, etc. What I do in my spare time when I'm not being a mom? I sleep, eat, sometimes read, but mostly just play on social media. I guess writing is kind of one of my things, except that I'm not really trained in it and I haven't actually done it since September, but that's changing! I also decided that I want photography to be my thing. I've always kind of felt like I have a bit of a knack for it and it's something I really love doing. I want to learn more about how to take great pictures and how to use photoshop. I was lucky enough to inheret my step-mom's old Canon Rebel for my birthday this year, so I've been trying to figure that out as of late. Since it used to be hers I don't actually have a lense for it yet and the only lense she has left is a close up one, so that's all I've been using so far. I'm pretty pleased with how some of my blossom pictures have turned out though (the ones you've seen throughout this post. These are unedited, I might add, so don't judge too harshly!). I don't intend to make money off of photography (although, I did sell a photo I took of a sunset for $20 a few years ago). I just want to take pretty pictures.

 

So, now I just need a thing that involves exercise.

Happy Springtime everyone!