As I'm sure a lot of you already know, our little guy got to go home this past week.
I feel like the little clapping emoticon seen so much on Instagram should go with that statement.
There are so many mixed feelings, but not because I feel like going home is bad for him. Because I don't feel that way. I just really going to miss that little guy from the bottom of my heart.
Foster care is such an interesting thing. I've realized after telling people that he has gone home that there are a lot of misunderstandings about foster care. Which is ok, because heaven knows I misunderstood the system before I was a foster parent.
What we just experienced is the foster care system at its best. Reunification is almost always the primary goal. It's the point of the thing. Obviously that's not always possible, which is where foster/adoptive families come in and that can a be a beautiful thing too.
I know "the system" has its flaws and people in that system have made mistakes, but they are constantly trying to improve and do what is best for the children. They have already come such a long way! And the reason he went home wasn't because the system is messed up, it was because it worked as it should.
We didn't lose a custody battle. It was never about a custody battle. It was about re-unification if changes were made and everything checked out. And it did. And I am here to tell you that I know what was required to get him back. I sat in court and heard it all every other month. You guys. Accomplishing that list of tasks is nothing short of amazing. I honestly don't know how it was done. When I first heard the list of things that needed to be done I felt so much sorrow because I felt like an impossible list of tasks was given. I was proven wrong.
A lot of people have been asking me how I am this week, which I so appreciate. I seriously have the most supportive and thoughtful family and friends. I don't know how I would do it without them.
I've been trying really hard not to lie and say, "I'm doing good." I have a bad habit of doing that. I don't know why it is always my inclination to do so, but it is. I mean, I am normally doing really well. I love life. I'm a happy person. But this week those are not the right words to explain how I'm feeling. I am feeling so many different emotions all at once.
Confused: Because he has always fit so perfectly into our family and our lives. Seriously, if I could have designed a child to fit into our family he/she wouldn't have even come close to him. He was perfect for us in absolutely every way. I'm having a really hard time comprehending why something that felt so right turned out not to be. It's hard to understand why we always felt so complete with him here and why we feel so empty and incomplete while he's gone.
Heartbroken: Because I love that little boy with all of my heart. I've been thinking about Summer camping/boating trips and holidays and it's so hard to think of them and know that he's not going to be there. It's hard to wake up in the morning and realize he's not going to call out for me. It's hard to have the house so quiet while Jane is napping. It's also really hard to let go of the first child to ever call you mom. It's all just really hard.
Grateful: This experience has been wonderful. I am so glad I got to know this little guy. I have no regrets about doing this. Being able to have him with us for these 8 1/2 months was worth all of the pain and I wouldn't trade it for a second. I'm also grateful for the new understanding it has given me of birth-mothers. I know it's not exactly the same as placing a child for adoption, but I think it's similar. He feels like my own son and placing him back home was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I had to, because it's what's best for him.
Worried: I hope he isn't confused. I hope he's doing ok. I hope he doesn't think I abandoned him and that he knows I love him. I hope he never feels like I didn't want him. I want him to adjust well. I hope he remembered his time here fondly. I sometimes worry that he'll only remember the dumb parenting mistakes I made. And my biggest worry/fear: That I'll never see him again. That thought is the very hardest to live with. But, hopefully it will not be a true one.
Guilt: For putting my friends and family through this heartbreak when none of them signed up for this. But at the same time, I like to think that they feel blessed to have known that little guy. Maybe I'm biased, but I truly believe that everyone is better for having known him.
It is also a truly amazing experience to be able to give a family a second chance at being a family. I saw this at the Chalk Festival put on by the Foster Care Foundation back in June and it touched my heart:
Most of the time the goal of a trial is to just get over it, but what makes this hard is that I don't want to get over it. It's not like when you break up with someone and you eventually want to stop thinking about them and move on. I don't want to move on. I want to always love that little boy. I want there to always be a special place in my heart for him. I want to think of him every time I hear the song, Tale as Old as Time or The Circle of Life, for the rest of my life. I don't want to forget his laugh or his little run. So how does one get over something like this?
I think this quote sums it up. I think we never truly get over great losses. We carry them with us and learn how to live with them and still be happy. I think in time I can do that.
And I sort of hope that one day he'll have kids and he'll sing Tale as Old as Time to them as they fall asleep and that he can tell them that he once had a foster family that loved him very much.
One of the young women in my ward pinned this just days before he went home and I fell in love with it:
I feel like the little clapping emoticon seen so much on Instagram should go with that statement.
There are so many mixed feelings, but not because I feel like going home is bad for him. Because I don't feel that way. I just really going to miss that little guy from the bottom of my heart.
Foster care is such an interesting thing. I've realized after telling people that he has gone home that there are a lot of misunderstandings about foster care. Which is ok, because heaven knows I misunderstood the system before I was a foster parent.
What we just experienced is the foster care system at its best. Reunification is almost always the primary goal. It's the point of the thing. Obviously that's not always possible, which is where foster/adoptive families come in and that can a be a beautiful thing too.
I know "the system" has its flaws and people in that system have made mistakes, but they are constantly trying to improve and do what is best for the children. They have already come such a long way! And the reason he went home wasn't because the system is messed up, it was because it worked as it should.
We didn't lose a custody battle. It was never about a custody battle. It was about re-unification if changes were made and everything checked out. And it did. And I am here to tell you that I know what was required to get him back. I sat in court and heard it all every other month. You guys. Accomplishing that list of tasks is nothing short of amazing. I honestly don't know how it was done. When I first heard the list of things that needed to be done I felt so much sorrow because I felt like an impossible list of tasks was given. I was proven wrong.
That little guy. He is truly something special. I feel like we connected really quickly. For whatever reason we just clicked. I always say we're kindred spirits. We have a very similar sense of humor and we're always laughing at one silly thing or another. He is also one of the friendliest, sweetest, and most compassionate person I know. He's been through a lot in his short little life and he could choose to be angry. He could choose to not trust. But he doesn't. He loves everything and everyone. He always wants others to be happy. He's pretty good at sharing (as long as it's not his dragons or dinosaurs you want...and even then sometimes he'll do it). He loves to go on adventures. He was so fun to take places because he always had a good time, no matter where we went. He's such a happy and strong boy. He has truly had an influence on everyone he met while he was with us. He is truly one of my best friends and I loved getting spend my days with him. He's hilarious. He made us laugh constantly. He's smart and has an amazing memory. He's just a really good kid all around.
Upon his request we spent our last day as a family at the zoo together. He LOOOVVVEESSS the zoo. He talks about it all of the time and constantly wanted to pretend to be at the zoo. He would have me and Baby Jane walk around the house with him while he showed us the animals. It was the cutest. I must really love that boy if I agree to go to the zoo on a day that temperatures are above 85. Just sayin. But, even though it was hot, it was perfect. He loved every minute of it and Jayson hadn't been in ten years. Literally, it had been ten years. After that we stopped at Wendy's so he could have a kid's meal with a frosty. It was just so lovely to have one last day together. We got home and he took a nap and we loaded all of his stuff. We got to drop him off at his house, which was really great. It was a good home in a good neighborhood. It looked like his family had invited more family over for a celebration for his return. It was really sweet to see. I know he'll be loved there.
A lot of people have been asking me how I am this week, which I so appreciate. I seriously have the most supportive and thoughtful family and friends. I don't know how I would do it without them.
I've been trying really hard not to lie and say, "I'm doing good." I have a bad habit of doing that. I don't know why it is always my inclination to do so, but it is. I mean, I am normally doing really well. I love life. I'm a happy person. But this week those are not the right words to explain how I'm feeling. I am feeling so many different emotions all at once.
Confused: Because he has always fit so perfectly into our family and our lives. Seriously, if I could have designed a child to fit into our family he/she wouldn't have even come close to him. He was perfect for us in absolutely every way. I'm having a really hard time comprehending why something that felt so right turned out not to be. It's hard to understand why we always felt so complete with him here and why we feel so empty and incomplete while he's gone.
Heartbroken: Because I love that little boy with all of my heart. I've been thinking about Summer camping/boating trips and holidays and it's so hard to think of them and know that he's not going to be there. It's hard to wake up in the morning and realize he's not going to call out for me. It's hard to have the house so quiet while Jane is napping. It's also really hard to let go of the first child to ever call you mom. It's all just really hard.
Grateful: This experience has been wonderful. I am so glad I got to know this little guy. I have no regrets about doing this. Being able to have him with us for these 8 1/2 months was worth all of the pain and I wouldn't trade it for a second. I'm also grateful for the new understanding it has given me of birth-mothers. I know it's not exactly the same as placing a child for adoption, but I think it's similar. He feels like my own son and placing him back home was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I had to, because it's what's best for him.
Worried: I hope he isn't confused. I hope he's doing ok. I hope he doesn't think I abandoned him and that he knows I love him. I hope he never feels like I didn't want him. I want him to adjust well. I hope he remembered his time here fondly. I sometimes worry that he'll only remember the dumb parenting mistakes I made. And my biggest worry/fear: That I'll never see him again. That thought is the very hardest to live with. But, hopefully it will not be a true one.
Guilt: For putting my friends and family through this heartbreak when none of them signed up for this. But at the same time, I like to think that they feel blessed to have known that little guy. Maybe I'm biased, but I truly believe that everyone is better for having known him.
It is also a truly amazing experience to be able to give a family a second chance at being a family. I saw this at the Chalk Festival put on by the Foster Care Foundation back in June and it touched my heart:
Most of the time the goal of a trial is to just get over it, but what makes this hard is that I don't want to get over it. It's not like when you break up with someone and you eventually want to stop thinking about them and move on. I don't want to move on. I want to always love that little boy. I want there to always be a special place in my heart for him. I want to think of him every time I hear the song, Tale as Old as Time or The Circle of Life, for the rest of my life. I don't want to forget his laugh or his little run. So how does one get over something like this?
I think this quote sums it up. I think we never truly get over great losses. We carry them with us and learn how to live with them and still be happy. I think in time I can do that.
And I sort of hope that one day he'll have kids and he'll sing Tale as Old as Time to them as they fall asleep and that he can tell them that he once had a foster family that loved him very much.
One of the young women in my ward pinned this just days before he went home and I fell in love with it:
It turns out it's from a Taylor Swift song. Jayson and I listened to it after we dropped off our boy and we both sobbed. I won't write the whole song here, but this part particularly struck us:
"...Long live the walls we crashed throughHow the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretendersOne day, we will be remembered...
...But if God forbid fate should step inAnd force us into a goodbye
If you have children some day
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine..."
3 comments:
Oh Karissa :( I'm just so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine the mix of emotions you must be feeling. It really breaks my heart. That little boy will remember you and Jayson and knowing the person that you are, you had a major, positive impact on his life! My parents had foster kids when I was really young and my mom is still in touch with them and they're all so grateful that they were a part of our family, even though it was for a short time. Being a foster parent isn't easy, and it takes a REALLY special person to be one. You and Jayson are just so wonderful and I hope you two can find comfort and happiness during this hard time! Hugs and prayers!!!!
This was so touching... I even miss him and I only ever saw him once a week in Nursery. He's such a fantastic kid and I know I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to play and get to know him.
I'm glad the song touched your heart :') 'Long Live' has always been a very special song to me and I'm grateful to know that something as simple as pinning a lyric of a favorite song touched you during this time.
I really admire you, Sister Kim. My love and prayers are going out to you during this time. I think your choice to be foster parents in this situation wasn't just a decision you came to, I'd wager that Heavenly Father knew exactly what kinds of people he was leading to this sort of experience, blessing, and responsibility. And I think you are both amazing just for that :)
ok, that's tear jerking, and absolutely beautiful! I love Taylor and feel like that song fits your situation so perfectly!
Post a Comment