On Growing Things

Apparently it just so happens to be Nation Infertility Awareness Week. 

I know, I know. It seems like there's an awareness week for everything these days, am I right?! But, since this one is near and dear to my heart I've decided to create some awareness, via this blog.

I know sometimes talk of infertility makes people uncomfortable, but can I just tell you that it's my favorite? I know, it's the weirdest thing. But, seriously. I will talk your ear off about it any day, any time. While it is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through it's also become a big part of me and I'm oddly in love with that part of me. Now, don't be confused. I'm definitely not in love with the fact that I'm infertile. But, I do love the person this trial has helped me become. I do love the fact that because of it I'm privileged to connect with so many wonderful, strong, amazing, and beautiful people. I'm glad that I get a little taste of what it feels like to be different from those around you and to be able to realize that different isn't always bad. It's just different. Infertility has created a fiery passion in me for womanhood, motherhood, adoption, foster care, the importance of families, and a love of children. 

Do you remember how I unknowingly wrote this post during infertility week last year? Ok, you probably didn't know that. But, man. That was one of my favorite posts to write. I could probably write a post about infertility at least every week (and I would probably enjoy it), but I figure people probably don't actually want to read my posts about it that much.

But, I am going to take advantage of this week and post one. Because I want to.

So, anyway. Growing things.

In my Sophomore year at Utah State I took an introduction to horticulture class. During that class we actually got to have some hands on experience in the green house on campus. We got to learn how to take a part of certain plants (besides the seed), plant them, and create a new plant. This was really cool and I was so proud of my little plants. There was one in particular that is called a Goldfish Plant, and it was my favorite. I tried so hard to get that little thing to grow. My roommates may recall the plant living on top of our TV and being tipped over a time or two. I also watered it too much and it got all moldy and gross. So, accepting failure, and the fact that this plant needed the care of someone else, I did what anyone else would do to get something well taken care of; I brought it home to my Mom.

So, naturally, I figured I couldn't grow things. It just wasn't my thing.

With my mom "Goldy" (I'm so clever) thrived. She grew and grew and grew. But, to our dismay she would never grow her pretty orange blossoms that look like goldfish.

After Jayson and I got married and moved back to Salt Lake we decided to take Goldy back and see how things went. Things kind of took a turn for the worst for Goldy after that, but I decided to do some research and I found out these plants like humidity, so we put her in the bathroom and brought her back to life. She liked it there and grew and grew. But, alas, still no goldfish blossoms.

I tried growing a couple other flowers in our Salt Lake apartment, each time ending in the death of the plant.

Our Salt Lake apartment was also sort of the beginning of our road to infertility. We actually moved in the very weekend that I miscarried back in December of '09. I was in a lot of emotional pain at the time, but I had no idea as to the long journey that lay ahead of me. I didn't know at the time that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant after that. So, as you can imagine, over the course of the year and a half of living there I began to feel pretty broken, as not only could I not grow plants, but I also could not grow a baby.

I kind of think that we have within us an innate desire to care for things and to help them grow. We need to feel needed. We need to be relied upon in order for us to grow to our full potential.

After four years of having my little goldfish plant we moved into our cute little house. I decided to put him in the kitchen on the shelves by the window. Not too long after we moved in and to my great delight and surprise our goldfish plant finally grew those goldfish blossoms.

And in that a great and new hope was created inside of me. A hope to be able to grow things.

I currently have about ten plants growing in my kitchen and living room, most of which are thriving. I also have daffodils and tulips growing in my front yard and great plans are in the making for a flower garden and a veggie/spice garden this year.

It took a while for me to figure out how to care for plants and how to make them grow, but I finally figured it out. And do you know what? It was worth it. I just adore all my plants and watching them grow brings me great joy.

And I know it will be the same with my future children. I know I probably won't be "growing" them in the way I thought I would back in 2009 when this journey began, but I will be growing them in the sense that I will do everything in my power to help them grow to grow bigger and stronger. I will them them to grow to their full potential. I will watch over them, feed them, love them, teach them, and spend time with them. I know at times it will be hard, but I know it will be worth it. I know that they will bring me great joy as well, greater joy than I could ever imagine.

And, who knows? Maybe since growing plants is going so well we'll soon have a little baby to care for.