Tonight I went out to dinner with some friends. It was so nice to have a girl's night and get a little break. It was the first night that I haven't been there at bed time for our little guy. I wasn't sure if Jayson was going to put him to bed or wait for me to get home, but when I got home he was already asleep and do you know what?
I was actually pretty sad. I found that I was excited to see his little face light up when I walked through the door and to snuggle with him before I put him to bed.
Being a foster parent is crazy business. It's crazier, harder, and more wonderful than I ever imagined.
I've loved being able to teach/show him my favorite things, like Christmas, Peter Pan, sea horses, and many more. And it's been fun seeing what gets him excited and what interests he has. He is obsessed with How to Train Your Dragon as of late and it's so much fun to watch him watch it. He loves to act out movies, so we act out the part where Hiccup finally gets to touch the Toothless's face for the first time. It's pretty hilarious. And having a little one in our home during the holidays has been so much fun. I'm so stoked to see the look on his face when he opens presents on Christmas morning! It turns out that being the mom of a little boy is all I've ever wanted. (Not that I wouldn't welcome a little girl with open arms, of course).
I'm not generally a morning person, but mornings with this guy are generally my favorite. He wakes up happy and snugly most days now and I couldn't ask for anything better.
And, of course, it's hard sometimes. It really is a whole new lifestyle, this being a parent business. I never realized how hard it was to do chores with a little one around or how much of a luxury it can be to run errands by yourself or go to the bathroom whenever you want to. I also never knew how all consuming being a parent was. I mean, I knew it became your life, but lately I feel so inadequate at everything (even more that I used to). I feel like I can be a wife and a mom and that I don't have the capacity or stamina to be good at anything else. I'm not trying to sound like I'm down on myself because I'm really not. I'm fine with it. I know I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. It just constantly baffles me at how much I forget to do now and how little else I find myself capable of doing. I swear I used to be a very reliable person. So, if I'm ignoring your calls or texts, just know that I love you, but I am so scatterbrained that I can't even remember to call or text people.
But I also understand why people always say being a parent is worth it.
The thing about being a foster parent is that I find myself understanding the importance of enjoying the present and not living in the past or future on a whole new level. I can't even remember the past most days and the future is hard to think about. Plus, the future is so unknown with foster care that it seems pointless to think about. I also find that I want to soak up every last minute with this little guy that I can because I have no idea how many minutes we'll have together.
The unknown is by far the hardest part. I've never liked the unknown, but I've learned to live with it because it's always there. I always thought that once I got married I could plan out my entire life and the unknown wouldn't be so unknown anymore. But, then I got married and I realized out very wrong I was and that my future was always going to be unknown and unpredictable. But, man. Foster care has more unknown than I can handle sometimes. It's so hard not knowing how long he'll be with us. We love him to pieces, so it's so hard to think of him leaving one day, but at the same time we of course want his parents to do well so that he can be re-unified with his parents. I knew all of this beforehand, and it was hard to take in then, but experiencing it is so much different than having someone tell you about it. It's quite the heartbreaking process sometimes. It's also really hard to realize that when he goes we may never seen him again or know how he's doing for the rest of his life. And in years to come he may not remember us much at all.
But then I really sit back and think about it and I realize there's nothing else I'd rather be doing with my time. We have this opportunity to make a difference in his life, so why not?. I was overcome with the feeling the other day that we are making a difference in his life, even it we're only going to be in his life for a little bit.
I was actually pretty sad. I found that I was excited to see his little face light up when I walked through the door and to snuggle with him before I put him to bed.
Being a foster parent is crazy business. It's crazier, harder, and more wonderful than I ever imagined.
I've loved being able to teach/show him my favorite things, like Christmas, Peter Pan, sea horses, and many more. And it's been fun seeing what gets him excited and what interests he has. He is obsessed with How to Train Your Dragon as of late and it's so much fun to watch him watch it. He loves to act out movies, so we act out the part where Hiccup finally gets to touch the Toothless's face for the first time. It's pretty hilarious. And having a little one in our home during the holidays has been so much fun. I'm so stoked to see the look on his face when he opens presents on Christmas morning! It turns out that being the mom of a little boy is all I've ever wanted. (Not that I wouldn't welcome a little girl with open arms, of course).
I'm not generally a morning person, but mornings with this guy are generally my favorite. He wakes up happy and snugly most days now and I couldn't ask for anything better.
And, of course, it's hard sometimes. It really is a whole new lifestyle, this being a parent business. I never realized how hard it was to do chores with a little one around or how much of a luxury it can be to run errands by yourself or go to the bathroom whenever you want to. I also never knew how all consuming being a parent was. I mean, I knew it became your life, but lately I feel so inadequate at everything (even more that I used to). I feel like I can be a wife and a mom and that I don't have the capacity or stamina to be good at anything else. I'm not trying to sound like I'm down on myself because I'm really not. I'm fine with it. I know I'm trying my best and that's all I can do. It just constantly baffles me at how much I forget to do now and how little else I find myself capable of doing. I swear I used to be a very reliable person. So, if I'm ignoring your calls or texts, just know that I love you, but I am so scatterbrained that I can't even remember to call or text people.
But I also understand why people always say being a parent is worth it.
The thing about being a foster parent is that I find myself understanding the importance of enjoying the present and not living in the past or future on a whole new level. I can't even remember the past most days and the future is hard to think about. Plus, the future is so unknown with foster care that it seems pointless to think about. I also find that I want to soak up every last minute with this little guy that I can because I have no idea how many minutes we'll have together.
The unknown is by far the hardest part. I've never liked the unknown, but I've learned to live with it because it's always there. I always thought that once I got married I could plan out my entire life and the unknown wouldn't be so unknown anymore. But, then I got married and I realized out very wrong I was and that my future was always going to be unknown and unpredictable. But, man. Foster care has more unknown than I can handle sometimes. It's so hard not knowing how long he'll be with us. We love him to pieces, so it's so hard to think of him leaving one day, but at the same time we of course want his parents to do well so that he can be re-unified with his parents. I knew all of this beforehand, and it was hard to take in then, but experiencing it is so much different than having someone tell you about it. It's quite the heartbreaking process sometimes. It's also really hard to realize that when he goes we may never seen him again or know how he's doing for the rest of his life. And in years to come he may not remember us much at all.
But then I really sit back and think about it and I realize there's nothing else I'd rather be doing with my time. We have this opportunity to make a difference in his life, so why not?. I was overcome with the feeling the other day that we are making a difference in his life, even it we're only going to be in his life for a little bit.
2 comments:
You are incredible. This post brought tears to my eyes. You are not just changing one little life, you are making the whole world a better place.
I'm crying! So grateful to know you and hear about your journeys!
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