On Living

I was on an early evening walk with Ruby and the little guy the other day and I was reminded if how much I really love Summer. Usually in late May or early June I fall completely head over heels for Summer. I even think, for a little while, that it's my favorite season (until It starts to get 90 degrees and I remember that Fall is actually my favorite, but that's pretty irrelevant to this post.). Irises (one of my favorite flowers) are in bloom, the air is warm, the sun is bright, and you can go outside without five layers of clothes, and fresh cherries and corn are here (don't even get me started. I will talk your ear off about my love for fresh cherries and corn. Speaking of which, my very favorite stand that sells fresh cherries and corn right by my house isn't there this year. But, that is also really irrelevant to this post. But if you have a favorite fruit/veggie stand please direct me towards it.)

But, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what this post is about, so all of the irrelevant stuff I mention has the potential to be relevant I suppose.

Almost all of my favorite memories as a child are from the Summertime. Summertime as a child is almost as good as Christmas in a child in my book. And thus far being a mom to little kiddos during the Summer has proven to be almost as good as Christmas as a parent. There is just nothing like watching kids discover the outside world. My heart just sings songs of happiness and gratitude pretty much every time I'm outside with my kiddos.
I think the thing about Summer is that it always reminds me of how good I have it. It was, after all, the Summer of 2012 that I learned the valuable lesson of living, and I mean truly living- not just surviving, in the present instead of in the future. Living in the present is a particularly hard thing to do in the midst of a great trial, but it must be done at some point in time or you will always be miserable.

And so, since Summer reminds me of how good I have it, lately I have been thinking a lot about how good I have it.
And I think I have it pretty good. I am seriously grateful every single day for my little family, even on hard days. Let me tell you I am obsessed with those three lovely people and my little dog too.

I read this the other day that talked about how the writer felt like other people thought she lived in a fantasy land or didn't own up to her trials, is just lying to herself etc., because she's too optimistic and positive.
Her post really struck me because I feel like that sometimes. I feel like people don't really believe me when I say my life is really good and that I'm really happy. I feel like people think I don't live in reality. And, who knows, maybe I don't. I mean, I know I can be a bit oblivious at times, but that doesn't make any of what I say less true, right? I really am happy. I really do love my life.
She also talked about how every day is filled with good, bad, beautiful, ugly, etc.
A friend in my ward once gave a talk in church that I've never forgotten (obviously). In her talk she said that things are almost never 100% good or 100% bad. Everything comes with blessings and challenges. You always have both. I've stopped thinking of good and bad as separate things, but as a ying and yang sort of thing. To quote the post I read,

"So why try to separate life into piles of good and piles of bad? Instead, let it be one big pile of everything - and let the good cast a rosy glow over everything else, until you can believe that your whole life is good.
Because it probably is. "

 It's the parts that we focus on that really count.
I mean yes, some days I am so frustrated and tired. But the moments that my kiddos make me happy far outweigh either of those things. Yes, Jayson has been working like a billion hours a week these days. (ok, maybe a billion is an exaggeration, but 75 is not.) But, we have extra money, which helps me be able to stay home with my kiddos. Plus, these crazy hours are not going to last forever. Yes, my house is a disaster pretty much all of the time. But, it's a disaster because I'm spending time with my kiddos and loved ones and because it's Summer and who wants to stay inside and clean?! And maybe my little boy is quite possibly leaving me forever in the near future, but right now I'm soaking up every second I can with him.

*side note, I think foster care also gives a really unique perspective to life because you know that things may not be as they are forever, so it forces you to live in the present and enjoy it. I love it.

So, obviously my life is far from perfect. It is really hard at times. But that doesn't mean I can't be happy. It doesn't mean I can't love my little life. It doesn't mean life isn't good to me. Life is so SO good to me.

And, going back to the post I linked, life isn't about just the good times. It's about everything. It's the good, the bad, the lovely, the hideous, the slow, the fast, the smiles, and the tears. Everything is what makes life beautiful. I want it all.

I have made an important discovery over the past year or so. Hard times are the worst, but don't you get such an amazing feeling of satisfaction when they're over? Especially if you feel like you stayed strong for the most part and/or learned a great lesson? It's like the feeling you get after a really hard work out or that feeling you get when the Summer sun is too hot, but you're out in it and enduring it anyway. Because even though it's so hot you can't stand it, it kind of feels really good. Right? Am I alone on this one? That feeling of "I did it! And I'm so glad I did, even if I don't ever want to do it again!" Because all of these experiences are what it is to truly live. Not just to survive, but to live.

(Jana, I had to borrow this because this picture is the essence of what I'm talking about. You know how to really live and I admire your zest for life.)

“And all the host laughed and wept, and in the midst of their merriment and tears the clear voice of the minstrel rose like silver and gold, and all men were hushed. And he sang to them, now in the Elven-tongue, now in the speech of the West, until their hearts, wounded with sweet words, overflowed, and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.” -J.R.R. Tolkien (also quoted in the post I linked)