Dear Jane Month # 4

Somehow I always get behind on blogging in the Summer. Anyway, I actually wrote this just a week or so after she turned 4 months, but I never got around to loading pictures. So, here we are.

My baby is 4 months old now.

A baby getting older is so bittersweet. I was looking at newborn pictures of her tonight and my heart longed for that tiny little baby. But then I think about her right now and I wouldn't trade this stage either! I guess I'm just discovering that each stage has its own magic and you have to cling to it while it's here because it goes by so fast!

My very favorite thing about this stage is her laugh. She is hard to get to laugh, but oh my. When she does it is just the best thing ever. The first day she laughed is a funny story. It was super early in the morning and she just would not go back to sleep. I almost had her asleep and then she went and did # 2. So then I had to change her, which of course, woke her up. and while I was changing her she peed all over everything. I was so tired and frustrated, but I gave her a little tickle under her neck and she seemed like she was trying to get out a laugh, so I tried to be funny and tickled her more and to my great joy a fairy was born! Her first laugh. I am not exaggerating when I say that there are few times in life that I have felt so much joy. I was bursting with it. It was one of my favorite moments with her. It was just the sweetest thing. Her laugh is even a little raspy, which I think is the cutest thing ever.

Jane is turning out to be such a pleasant baby. She's still rather persnickety and has to have things particular ways (especially the way she is bounced/rocked to sleep), and she is still sure to let you know when she's hungry, tired, or just plain doesn't like something, but she's honestly really pleasant the great majority of the time. She's so smiley and talkative these days. She's been experimenting with her voice and it cracks us up. She's always making different noises. Although, we think she may be shy. I don't know if you can really tell at this age, but she saves most of her talking, smiling, and laughing for when she's at home. She smiles a fair amount when we're with other people, but doesn't talk a ton and I think there are only 3 people who have ever heard her laugh (Me, Jayson, and my Mom).She also continues to be a determined little thing. Most of the time I imagine her saying, "I just want to do stuff!" Most recently she is trying so hard to sit up from a laying down position. Anytime she tries to do something she can't she gets so frustrated. Don't worry Baby Jane, you'll grow up in good time. Let's not hurry up the proccess!

It is so fun to watch her development, both physically and mentally. Jane is such a curious baby. She loves to be able to see everything. She especially likes to look out the window. She's started grabbing things on purpose and she's started learning how to make her toys do things. She can roll from her back to her belly, but hardly ever does. She does it more when she's asleep for whatever reason. I guess she's just not super motivated to be on her belly? She rolled from her belly to her back once, but we think it was a fluke because she hasn't done it since. She loves to stand. She loves to look around at things. She loves to grab things and she loves to put everything in her mouth. Just before she turned 4 months she started staring at everything I ate and sometimes grabbing it! I wasn't really planning on started solids right at 4 months, but since she's been so interested I tried mashing up some banana to give to her, but she had a hard time and got really frustrated, so we still might be holding out on the whole solid food business for a little bit.  She's starting to get a little drooly, but not so much so that she soaks through her clothes all of the time. She continues to conquer her reflux and hardly ever spits up anymore, which we are so excited about. We're trying to wean her off of her medicine, so here's to hoping that goes well! She was getting on a more regular nap and bedtime schedule and she was sleeping through the night, but then she got this really nasty cough and there went that whole thing. But she seems to be getting over it now, so here's to hoping we can at least get back on that sleeping through the night thing. Poor girly. And oh my how this girl had grown! At her 4 month check up she was 60th for head, 30th for weight and....90th for length! You guys, she was like below 10th for length at 2 months. I had noticed was getting long really quickly, but man. She'll probably be tall and skinny just like Angela.

We just love her to pieces and we know she's the answer to our long awaited prayers. I love that she holds my finger almost every time she eats. I love that she also holds my shirt all of the time. I don't even mind that the shoulder of my shirt is constantly wet from her sucking on it all day long. I even think her cry is cute. I love that her and Jayson have such a sweet daddy/daughter relationship already.

First time meeting Grandma Sher!

The prettiest baby on the prettiest crib quilt. Vienna is a quilting genius.

I love few things in life as much as I love baby hands. And these baby hands in particular.

Those cheeks! I will never get over them.

Those eyes and lashes just kill me. They are too pretty.

The best mullet.

It's so fun watching my dad be a Grandpa.

This is the first time she really held her bottle by herself. She can't do it for a long period of time and when she does it she doesn't always get food out very well, but it's so cute!

I love when she wants to sleep on Mama. And shirt grabbing. It's just the sweetest.

And here she is on her 4 month birthday.

In the past I've tried to keep the blanket nicely on the couch since it's the back drop, but this time I just left it because it captures the stage that she was in at the time. She's such a curious girl. 

This is what we call the Serious Face. She makes it all of the time and it cracks us up!

The infamous scowl.

She makes this face all of the time as well, especially when she's interested in you. Her eyes! I will never get over them.

Another face she makes all of the time.

I just think she's the prettiest baby.

Tale as Old as Time

As I'm sure a lot of you already know, our little guy got to go home this past week.

I feel like the little clapping emoticon seen so much on Instagram should go with that statement.
There are so many mixed feelings, but not because I feel like going home is bad for him. Because I don't feel that way. I just really going to miss that little guy from the bottom of my heart.
Foster care is such an interesting thing. I've realized after telling people that he has gone home that there are a lot of misunderstandings about foster care. Which is ok, because heaven knows I misunderstood the system before I was a foster parent.
What we just experienced is the foster care system at its best. Reunification is almost always the primary goal. It's the point of the thing. Obviously that's not always possible, which is where foster/adoptive families come in and that can a be a beautiful thing too.
I know "the system" has its flaws and people in that system have made mistakes, but they are constantly trying to improve and do what is best for the children. They have already come such a long way! And the reason he went home wasn't because the system is messed up, it was because it worked as it should.
We didn't lose a custody battle. It was never about a custody battle. It was about re-unification if changes were made and everything checked out. And it did. And I am here to tell you that I know what was required to get him back. I sat in court and heard it all every other month. You guys. Accomplishing that list of tasks is nothing short of amazing. I honestly don't know how it was done. When I first heard the list of things that needed to be done I felt so much sorrow because I felt like an impossible list of tasks was given. I was proven wrong.

That little guy. He is truly something special. I feel like we connected really quickly. For whatever reason we just clicked. I always say we're kindred spirits. We have a very similar sense of humor and we're always laughing at one silly thing or another. He is also one of the friendliest, sweetest, and most compassionate person I know. He's been through a lot in his short little life and he could choose to be angry. He could choose to not trust. But he doesn't. He loves everything and everyone. He always wants others to be happy. He's pretty good at sharing (as long as it's not his dragons or dinosaurs you want...and even then sometimes he'll do it). He loves to go on adventures. He was so fun to take places because he always had a good time, no matter where we went. He's such a happy and strong boy. He has truly had an influence on everyone he met while he was with us. He is truly one of my best friends and I loved getting spend my days with him. He's hilarious. He made us laugh constantly. He's smart and has an amazing memory.  He's just a really good kid all around. 

Upon his request we spent our last day as a family at the zoo together. He LOOOVVVEESSS the zoo. He talks about it all of the time and constantly wanted to pretend to be at the zoo. He would have me and Baby Jane walk around the house with him while he showed us the animals. It was the cutest. I must really love that boy if I agree to go to the zoo on a day that temperatures are above 85. Just sayin. But, even though it was hot, it was perfect. He loved every minute of it and Jayson hadn't been in ten years. Literally, it had been ten years. After that we stopped at Wendy's so he could have a kid's meal with a frosty. It was just so lovely to have one last day together. We got home and he took a nap and we loaded all of his stuff. We got to drop him off at his house, which was really great. It was a good home in a good neighborhood. It looked like his family had invited more family over for a celebration for his return. It was really sweet to see. I know he'll be loved there. 

A lot of people have been asking me how I am this week, which I so appreciate. I seriously have the most supportive and thoughtful family and friends. I don't know how I would do it without them.
I've been trying really hard not to lie and say, "I'm doing good." I have a bad habit of doing that. I don't know why it is always my inclination to do so, but it is. I mean, I am normally doing really well. I love life. I'm a happy person. But this week those are not the right words to explain how I'm feeling. I am feeling so many different emotions all at once.

Confused: Because he has always fit so perfectly into our family and our lives. Seriously, if I could have designed a child to fit into our family he/she wouldn't have even come close to him. He was perfect for us in absolutely every way. I'm having a really hard time comprehending why something that felt so right turned out not to be. It's hard to understand why we always felt so complete with him here and why we feel so empty and incomplete while he's gone.

Heartbroken: Because I love that little boy with all of my heart. I've been thinking about Summer camping/boating trips and holidays and it's so hard to think of them and know that he's not going to be there. It's hard to wake up in the morning and realize he's not going to call out for me. It's hard to have the house so quiet while Jane is napping. It's also really hard to let go of the first child to ever call you mom. It's all just really hard.

Grateful: This experience has been wonderful. I am so glad I got to know this little guy. I have no regrets about doing this. Being able to have him with us for these 8 1/2 months was worth all of the pain and I wouldn't trade it for a second. I'm also grateful for the new understanding it has given me of birth-mothers. I know it's not exactly the same as placing a child for adoption, but I think it's similar. He feels like my own son and placing him back home was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I had to, because it's what's best for him.

Worried: I hope he isn't confused. I hope he's doing ok. I hope he doesn't think I abandoned him and that he knows I love him. I hope he never feels like I didn't want him. I want him to adjust well. I hope he remembered his time here fondly. I sometimes worry that he'll only remember the dumb parenting mistakes I made. And my biggest worry/fear: That I'll never see him again. That thought is the very hardest to live with. But, hopefully it will not be a true one.

Guilt: For putting my friends and family through this heartbreak when none of them signed up for this. But at the same time, I like to think that they feel blessed to have known that little guy. Maybe I'm biased, but I truly believe that everyone is better for having known him.

It is also a truly amazing experience to be able to give a family a second chance at being a family. I saw this at the Chalk Festival put on by the Foster Care Foundation back in June and it touched my heart:

Most of the time the goal of a trial is to just get over it, but what makes this hard is that I don't want to get over it. It's not like when you break up with someone and you eventually want to stop thinking about them and move on. I don't want to move on. I want to always love that little boy. I want there to always be a special place in my heart for him. I want to think of him every time I hear the song, Tale as Old as Time or The Circle of Life, for the rest of my life. I don't want to forget his laugh or his little run. So how does one get over something like this?

I think this quote sums it up. I think we never truly get over great losses. We carry them with us and learn how to live with them and still be happy. I think in time I can do that.

And I sort of hope that one day he'll have kids and he'll sing Tale as Old as Time to them as they fall asleep and that he can tell them that he once had a foster family that loved him very much.

One of the young women in my ward pinned this just days before he went home and I fell in love with it:

It turns out it's from a Taylor Swift song. Jayson and I listened to it after we dropped off our boy and we both sobbed. I won't write the whole song here, but this part particularly struck us:

"...Long live the walls we crashed throughHow the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretendersOne day, we will be remembered...
...But if God forbid fate should step inAnd force us into a goodbye
If you have children some day
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine..."

On Living

I was on an early evening walk with Ruby and the little guy the other day and I was reminded if how much I really love Summer. Usually in late May or early June I fall completely head over heels for Summer. I even think, for a little while, that it's my favorite season (until It starts to get 90 degrees and I remember that Fall is actually my favorite, but that's pretty irrelevant to this post.). Irises (one of my favorite flowers) are in bloom, the air is warm, the sun is bright, and you can go outside without five layers of clothes, and fresh cherries and corn are here (don't even get me started. I will talk your ear off about my love for fresh cherries and corn. Speaking of which, my very favorite stand that sells fresh cherries and corn right by my house isn't there this year. But, that is also really irrelevant to this post. But if you have a favorite fruit/veggie stand please direct me towards it.)

But, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what this post is about, so all of the irrelevant stuff I mention has the potential to be relevant I suppose.

Almost all of my favorite memories as a child are from the Summertime. Summertime as a child is almost as good as Christmas in a child in my book. And thus far being a mom to little kiddos during the Summer has proven to be almost as good as Christmas as a parent. There is just nothing like watching kids discover the outside world. My heart just sings songs of happiness and gratitude pretty much every time I'm outside with my kiddos.
I think the thing about Summer is that it always reminds me of how good I have it. It was, after all, the Summer of 2012 that I learned the valuable lesson of living, and I mean truly living- not just surviving, in the present instead of in the future. Living in the present is a particularly hard thing to do in the midst of a great trial, but it must be done at some point in time or you will always be miserable.

And so, since Summer reminds me of how good I have it, lately I have been thinking a lot about how good I have it.
And I think I have it pretty good. I am seriously grateful every single day for my little family, even on hard days. Let me tell you I am obsessed with those three lovely people and my little dog too.

I read this the other day that talked about how the writer felt like other people thought she lived in a fantasy land or didn't own up to her trials, is just lying to herself etc., because she's too optimistic and positive.
Her post really struck me because I feel like that sometimes. I feel like people don't really believe me when I say my life is really good and that I'm really happy. I feel like people think I don't live in reality. And, who knows, maybe I don't. I mean, I know I can be a bit oblivious at times, but that doesn't make any of what I say less true, right? I really am happy. I really do love my life.
She also talked about how every day is filled with good, bad, beautiful, ugly, etc.
A friend in my ward once gave a talk in church that I've never forgotten (obviously). In her talk she said that things are almost never 100% good or 100% bad. Everything comes with blessings and challenges. You always have both. I've stopped thinking of good and bad as separate things, but as a ying and yang sort of thing. To quote the post I read,

"So why try to separate life into piles of good and piles of bad? Instead, let it be one big pile of everything - and let the good cast a rosy glow over everything else, until you can believe that your whole life is good.
Because it probably is. "

 It's the parts that we focus on that really count.
I mean yes, some days I am so frustrated and tired. But the moments that my kiddos make me happy far outweigh either of those things. Yes, Jayson has been working like a billion hours a week these days. (ok, maybe a billion is an exaggeration, but 75 is not.) But, we have extra money, which helps me be able to stay home with my kiddos. Plus, these crazy hours are not going to last forever. Yes, my house is a disaster pretty much all of the time. But, it's a disaster because I'm spending time with my kiddos and loved ones and because it's Summer and who wants to stay inside and clean?! And maybe my little boy is quite possibly leaving me forever in the near future, but right now I'm soaking up every second I can with him.

*side note, I think foster care also gives a really unique perspective to life because you know that things may not be as they are forever, so it forces you to live in the present and enjoy it. I love it.

So, obviously my life is far from perfect. It is really hard at times. But that doesn't mean I can't be happy. It doesn't mean I can't love my little life. It doesn't mean life isn't good to me. Life is so SO good to me.

And, going back to the post I linked, life isn't about just the good times. It's about everything. It's the good, the bad, the lovely, the hideous, the slow, the fast, the smiles, and the tears. Everything is what makes life beautiful. I want it all.

I have made an important discovery over the past year or so. Hard times are the worst, but don't you get such an amazing feeling of satisfaction when they're over? Especially if you feel like you stayed strong for the most part and/or learned a great lesson? It's like the feeling you get after a really hard work out or that feeling you get when the Summer sun is too hot, but you're out in it and enduring it anyway. Because even though it's so hot you can't stand it, it kind of feels really good. Right? Am I alone on this one? That feeling of "I did it! And I'm so glad I did, even if I don't ever want to do it again!" Because all of these experiences are what it is to truly live. Not just to survive, but to live.

(Jana, I had to borrow this because this picture is the essence of what I'm talking about. You know how to really live and I admire your zest for life.)

“And all the host laughed and wept, and in the midst of their merriment and tears the clear voice of the minstrel rose like silver and gold, and all men were hushed. And he sang to them, now in the Elven-tongue, now in the speech of the West, until their hearts, wounded with sweet words, overflowed, and their joy was like swords, and they passed in thought out to regions where pain and delight flow together and tears are the very wine of blessedness.” -J.R.R. Tolkien (also quoted in the post I linked)

Dear Jane Month #3

Oh man. Month #3. It has been such a golden time!
Seriously, I just soaked up basically every minute of it.

This month started off tough because Jane was having a harder time than ever holding her food down. We're talking throwing up like every time she ate. And I'm not talking a little bit of spit up here. I'm talking like 3/4 of what she would eat. But she wasn't in as much pain anymore because she was throwing up, so she got a lot happier, so I guess that's a plus. I was worried constantly that she wasn't getting enough food though. So, we started giving you smaller portions more frequently and that made a HUGE difference. The doctor had talked about putting her on another medication on top of the one she already takes and I wasn't thrilled about that, so I'm glad we found something that worked, even if it meant having to feed her so often. I'm pleased as punch to say that she is now holding down her food SOOO well. Like, throwing up three times a week rather than three times a day. And she's growing so fast now that she's keeping food down!

Now that we have the acid reflux more under control Jane is soooo much happier and such a cutie.

Let's make a bullet list, shall we?

• She is SOOO smiley these days.
• My very favorite thing is that every morning when she first sees me as I'm bending over the crib to pick her up she smiles at me. It is absolutely heart-melting!
• She's SOOO chatty. Her little baby noises are among my very favorite sounds I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. 
• Jane and Jayson have done a lot of bonding over this past month and it has been SOOO cute to watch. This morning her gave her a big kiss on the cheek before he left for work and she gave him a big smile in return. It made his whole day. Seriously. Be still my heart.
• This might be TMI, but she poops almost every time she eats. Is that normal?!
• Lately I'm obsessed with her hands. I just think they're the cutest. I feel like her hands and feet are big for her body size. It could just be me, but I swear it! 
• Shes' been opening up her hands a lot more now, rather than having them balled up into fists, and I love it! 
• She LOVES to stand. Her legs are getting strong. 
• She has amazing head control.
• Her grip continues to be so tight! She likes to hold onto my finger while I feed her. It's the sweetest. 
• She is such a curious baby. She always wants to be facing out so she can see everything. 
• Shes' been grabbing things for quite a while now, but I think yesterday she actually grabbed my favorite blanket (the afghan that my mother in law made for me when Jayson and I got married) on purpose. Like, she was eyeing it and just grabbed it. You know. 
• She can roll from her back to her belly. I thought the first time was just a fluke, but she has done it a few different times now and this morning we found her sleeping on her tummy when we definitely put her down to sleep on her back (she sleeps swaddled, so I feel like this is especially awesome). 
• Speaking of moving while swaddled...this girl can move. We swaddle her with those velcro swaddles at night because she can get out of the burrito wrap in a snap. Despite the fact that she has no use of her arms while she's swaddled she manages to move all around her crib. Sometimes she wakes up horizontally, sometimes her head is at the opposite end of where it started, sometimes she scooches all the way to the bottom, sometimes she's diagonal. It's the craziest thing. 
• She's finally getting a little chunky again, but her legs and arms remain skinny and long. She was in newborn onesies for forever, but her newborn pants and jammies were done really fast. The same seems to be holding true for the 0-3 months sizes. I think you'll need to be in 3-6 jammies any day now. Too fast!!!!!!
• She can't sit up on her own, but she really REALLY wants to. We tried out the Bumpo and ever since then she's been trying to sit up on her own whenever she's in the sitting position. 
• This month she also got to experience her first mini-road trip (unless you count the trip on the way home from the hospital, which was actually the same drive, just one way and not two). She was SOOO good. She slept pretty much the whole time both ways, as did the little guy. I don't mean to toot my own horn, (except when every anyone says that you know that's exactly what they mean to do) but I took both kiddos all the way to Cache Valley and back by myself, since Jayson had to work that day. We went up to visit Angela and her family and had such a lovely time. I love knowing that Jane has so many wonderful and good people to love her. Seriously, her birth family is AMAZING. 
• I don't now how much a person's personality can be told when they're just 3 months of age, but Jane seems very determined and stubborn. Toddlerhood could be crazy with this one. 
• She is SOOO wiggly. She's always moving and always wants to be on the move. Her legs have to always be in the air when she's on her back. 
• She continues to hate being in her car seat, but has really enjoyed having her window rolled down now that it's hot outside. We've also discovered that she's a lot more ok in her car seat if we're going above 60. And as long as there are no stop lights. If we stop the crying starts again. She's crazy business, this one. 
• We have yet to hear her laugh, but we are trying SOOOOO hard. 
• We had to take away her binky already. She just kept gagging on them and then throwing up. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it will be nice not to have to take it away from her later on when she's more attached to it. On the other hand it would be nice to have it to soothe her when shes' fussy or tired. Plus, I think she would really like it because sometimes I feel like she wants her bottle because she wants to suck on something rather than to eat. 
• Also, lately the Little Guy likes to grab her hands and pretend to dance with her to Tale as Old as Time.

This month has seriously just been the bees knees. This golden time has left me a tiny bit baby hungry again. Except that doesn't even make sense because I have a baby! I guess it has just left me realizing that I am already excited to do this again someday. I feel like I've bonded with her so much this past month and am just in love with being her mom. Her and the little guy have left me wanting more children than I did before. I think most people get the opposite affect when they have kids, but apparently I'm just crazy?

I's so much fun to watch this little girl grow. It's just the best. 

I promise he's not choking her and I promise she really liked it. 

For a mover she's sure a lazy tummy-timer.

Four generations!

Iron grip on her binky. Maybe she knew her binky days were numbered?

This is her with her biological Grandpa. I wish I had gotten a picture with her biological grandma as well! 

Jane and Angela

My first mother's day as a mommy!

Jane and her biological cousin.

He he. She does this a lot. It's like she knows she's supposed to be falling asleep, but she's being sneaky because dad can't see her.

This hat. I just die every time she wears it. It's just too cute. 

The little guy decided to share his hat. 

Always escaping from her swaddles

My crazy sleeper.

Holding toys!

Unfortunately she's lost some hair as of late. :( But she still has some and it's still dark! Her eyebrows are even turning dark. 

Jane at 3 months

Her legs are like this 90% of the time.

We got to hang out with her baby friend Archer, who is only 2 months older. Her face in this one just kills me.

Sometimes she even escapes from her velcro swaddle.

This was her first Memorial Day. It must have been exhausting because she fell asleep mid eye-rub.

Aaannnnddddd that's a wrap.