Random Musings

I have really wanted to blog lately, but I'm not entirely sure what to blog about. I realized the other day that I have so many thoughts running through my head lately and they are just screaming to get out. Some of them are related, some of them are not. So, I have for you a bullet list of all of the random thoughts in my head as of late, in no particular order.

• Jayson and I are under contract to buy a house. I really haven't processed this. I was making phone calls to get inspections in order during my lunch break the other day and it sort of started to sink in. We are buying a house. This house is ours. The only way it isn't is if we say we don't want it. Wow.


• Am I even old enough to buy a house? I'm pretty sure I'm not. Maybe I shouldn't? I'm too little.


• I really like the house. It's so cute and little. I'm so excited to make it our very own space.


• Will other people like my house? If they don't, will it make me not like it anymore?


• My newest pet peeve is when someone sees our house and the only thing they say is that it needs work. I know it does. We're excited to do it. We really like the neighborhood and you can't often find a house in a neighborhood like that on our budget. We decided that was most important to us. What about the hard wood floor? The amazing backyard? The cute little layout? Really? All you can think of is that it needs work? (Ok, I'm done ranting.)


• What if something goes horribly wrong during inspections?


• Am I a loser for not having a job in the field I got my degree in? Sometimes it makes me feel lame.


• Am I loser for getting a Psychology degree and then not going to grad school?


• I wasn't ready for grad school.


• I feel like I'm getting more ready for grad school.


• Will I ever go to grad school? I secretly fear it's too late for me to go to grad school now. Part of me is totally ok with that. Part of me is sad when I think about it.


• I didn't go to grad school and I didn't pursue my career because I really want to have a baby soon. There, I said it. For some reason that's always hard for me to say. Isn't that ridiculous? As if it's something embarassing. It's not. I think it's really awesome, but I know that some people think it's silly to give up on things like grad school to be a mother. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing after I graduated college I would say I was taking a break and then I was planning to return to school one day. This was not entirely a lie, but the real truth was that I was thinking more about starting a family than anything else.


• I also don't really think I'm "giving up" on grad school. Not in the, "I quit" sense anyway. It's really just that my greatest ambition is to be a mother. It's one of the deepest desires I have ever had.


• I feel like all of our plans hinge on when we'll have a baby and that is still to be determined.


• When we have a baby I want to be a stay at home mom. It's not that I am lazy and just don't want to have a sort of job that you have to get up and go to every day, it's just that I really want to devote everything I have to being a mom when I get to that point.


• I don't see how I'm going to be able to not have at least a part time job while I'm a mom and it kind of breaks my heart.


• I keep trying to think of things that I can do to earn a little extra money when we have a baby, but I just don't want to do any of them. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I have to choose one.


• The previous thought always brings me back to the question of, Why am i buying a house? Maybe we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom if we weren't buying a house. I don't know for sure if this is true, because rent is pretty high in this valley, but then utilities are lower and you dont have to pay to fix things and such when you're renting. We just really feel like buying a house is the right thing to do right now. We cannot ignore the fact that, even though there have been so many random hoops and trials we've had to jump through to get to this point, tiny little miracles keep happening during this house buying process. That definately means something, so we continue on.


• Faith. Faith has been on my mind a lot lately (and it's probably pretty obvious as to why). I remember when I was little I thought I had the greatest faith. I knew that if I felt really strongly, in a spiritual sense, that I would do it. Murmuring people in the scriptures always seemed so silly. Why wouldn't they just do what they're asked? Well, the past year I've had many trials of faith and I can tell you, now I know why. It's because it's HARD. Who knew, right? haha. Sometimes having faith and stepping into the dark is really scary.


• The more and more I learn about faith the more I realize how powerful it is. It seems like such a simple prinicple, but it is so remarkable.


• This thought keeps cropping up in my mind: "Sometimes we can't see how things are going to work out. We just have to have faith that they will." This thought first came to me last Sunday and it keeps re entering my mind. It seems vague, but it's exactly the thought I need right now.


• Being married Jayson is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. He really is my rock. He's been working A LOT lately and I've really really been appreciating the time we have together. I absolutely love being around him. I remember when we first started dating my favorite thing about him was how much I loved talking and laughing with him. Now, I love talking and laughing with him even more.


• I love my life. I don't know how a life can be so blessed, crazy, confusing, scary, wonderful, hard, and joyful all at the same time. It just is.

Well, there you have it. The inner workings of my mind as of late. That actually felt really really good. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Thanks blogosphere, for letting me send my thoughts out.