I've been meaning to write this post for like a year now. I actually write this post like five months ago, but never published it because it just didn't come together right.
People ask us all of the time why we chose to foster parent and how we're able to do it knowing that our little guy might not be able to stay with us forever.
And I've never really been able to come up with a sufficient answer to either of these questions. I realize now that it's because I don't think I've completely known myself.
Back in November of 2012 I attended a Foster Care panel put on by LDS Family Services (Jayson was working out of town and wasn't able to come with me). It was a panel of three couples that had adopted through the foster care system and a girl who had been adopted through the foster care system. I actually wasn't even planning to go because I didn't think foster care was something I could handle. I didn't think I could bring children into my home, love them, and then have to let them go. But a friend from the FSA (families supporting adoption) group I'm a part of convinced me to go. So I went. I love to hear adoption stories, so I figured if nothing else it would just be a good learning experience.
I was particularly drawn to one of the couples. They had adopted three boys through the foster care system and something about those boys really tugged on my heart strings. I ended up chatting with them for a while afterwards and we exchanged numbers and email addresses so that I could get a hold of them if I had anymore questions. After that night I knew that foster care was something that we were supposed to do. Everything about it just felt right and seemed to fall into place, though I wasn't entirely ready to admit it. I told Jayson about what I had heard and felt and he wasn't completely convinced either. After telling him I did have to come to terms with the fact that I did feel right about it though, so that was good. It's always hard to alter your plans when you see your life going in a certain direction for so long, but as we learned with choosing to adopt rather than continue infertility treatments, life does not always go as planned and it's ok. It's ok for your life not to look like everyone else's. It's ok to change courses. It just takes a little while to get used to new ideas and plans. When he got home from being out of town we went to dinner with this couple so that Jayson could hear some of the stories that I heard. It turns out that they were actually the head couple at Oakcrest the first year that I was there- the year when Jayson's cousin was my counselor, before I even know Jayson existed. Anyway, after talking to them Jayson started feeling the same way that I did and we started on our journey. I didn't feel like we had to rush the process and in the middle of the process we actually had a pending adoption for about 4 months in which we put a temporary pause on our licensing process. We were finally licensed in Sept or Oct (I cant remember which) 2013, just weeks before we got our sweet little guy.
So, that's the WHY. Because it felt SO right. We wanted to be parents, it has always been our greatest dream as a couple, and we figured that since we didn't have children of our own at that time we might as well help children who need parents/care givers temporarily. Since neither adopting or having children on our own seemed to be working out we had contemplated many paths for me. I could go back to school. I could find a job that I really loved. I thought long and hard about the school one, but in the end I realized that what I most wanted was to be a mom, so being a foster mom seemed to be the perfect fit.
The HOW is what I've never really been able to put into words. It was, in fact, just a week or two ago that it hit me. I was talking to my step-mom and she was saying that before me my dad always wanted a son, but that we told her he was so glad he had a daughter because there's just something so special about having a daughter. Having a daughter was a more perfect fit for him. And I said something along the lines of, "He has also been like a dad to so many young men, so I'd say he has his fair share of sons." And then it struck me. It's that whole "It takes a village to raise a child" concept. My whole life I've known the sad tale of my parents not being able to bare children very easily, but what no one ever talks about or seems to see is that they were parents LONG before I came around and they have been so many times since. Both of my parents constantly take people under their wing as if they are their own children. It all comes down to love. Yea, maybe they don't get to keep those children forever and maybe they tend to drift away as time goes by, but they were yours for a little while and from what I can tell it's always worth it.
Plus, it's one of those things that, once you're in the middle of it, you're kind of like...what was I thinking?
I also mainly just try not to think or talk about him leaving. It's probably not the healthiest way of handling- or not handling it, rather. Trials, at least from my experience, seem to just be placed upon you before you even know what's coming. In this case I'm anticipating a trial- one that I anticipate will be the hardest I've ever endured. It's a very weird thing, to be anticipating a trial. I feel like I've had a bit of practice with it from our failed adoption back in August. It wasn't looking promising for a good few weeks before we found out for sure it wasn't going to happen, so there was a bit of anticipation there. But only a little. This time there's been so much time to anticipate. And I have no idea how I'm going to handle it and that terrifies me. I'm scared of not being ok. I'm scared of never being the same again. Will I be able to see a dragon, watch The Lion King or The Little Mermaid, or listen to his favorite Disney songs ever again without my heart breaking? I think the very hardest thing about it is that if he does go back it's not just that he won't be in our home anymore, it's that we likely won't ever see him again. I just don't know that I can handle that. I was just thinking the other day that I've come to think of him as ours. Sometimes I even forget there's a possibility of reunification because I can't wrap my mind around the concept that he isn't completely mine.
Because I am completely his.
And I think what will hurt even more than thinking of the memories we do have will be the ones that will never be.
I know I have Jane and I am forever grateful for that. I think because I know I have her and I need to be my best self for her I will be able to get through this. I will stay together for her.
And I know it's likely that we'll become parents to other children in the future.
But none of them will ever be this little guy. No one else will ever have those eyes. No one else will ever have quite the same delightful little run. No one else will talk quite like he does.
Anyway, you get the picture.
This little guy and I have had a connection since the start. We're kindred spirits. We have so much fun together, just being goofy. He LOVES to go on adventures. It doesn't matter where we're going- to the mall, the dentist, the doctor, a friends house- he wants to go. And it's always such a joy to take him with. We're the best of friends. Before I became a parent I didn't quite understand what it meant when people would say that they were best friends with their kids, but now I totally get it. When you do everything with them all day long you just become best friends.
If he does end up going back try to make sure I come out of the house, ok?
Because when things get really hard I tend to not want to leave the house ever.
Anyway, I didn't really mean for this post to take that turn, but here we are. It did feel pretty good to get that out though.
People ask us all of the time why we chose to foster parent and how we're able to do it knowing that our little guy might not be able to stay with us forever.
And I've never really been able to come up with a sufficient answer to either of these questions. I realize now that it's because I don't think I've completely known myself.
Back in November of 2012 I attended a Foster Care panel put on by LDS Family Services (Jayson was working out of town and wasn't able to come with me). It was a panel of three couples that had adopted through the foster care system and a girl who had been adopted through the foster care system. I actually wasn't even planning to go because I didn't think foster care was something I could handle. I didn't think I could bring children into my home, love them, and then have to let them go. But a friend from the FSA (families supporting adoption) group I'm a part of convinced me to go. So I went. I love to hear adoption stories, so I figured if nothing else it would just be a good learning experience.
I was particularly drawn to one of the couples. They had adopted three boys through the foster care system and something about those boys really tugged on my heart strings. I ended up chatting with them for a while afterwards and we exchanged numbers and email addresses so that I could get a hold of them if I had anymore questions. After that night I knew that foster care was something that we were supposed to do. Everything about it just felt right and seemed to fall into place, though I wasn't entirely ready to admit it. I told Jayson about what I had heard and felt and he wasn't completely convinced either. After telling him I did have to come to terms with the fact that I did feel right about it though, so that was good. It's always hard to alter your plans when you see your life going in a certain direction for so long, but as we learned with choosing to adopt rather than continue infertility treatments, life does not always go as planned and it's ok. It's ok for your life not to look like everyone else's. It's ok to change courses. It just takes a little while to get used to new ideas and plans. When he got home from being out of town we went to dinner with this couple so that Jayson could hear some of the stories that I heard. It turns out that they were actually the head couple at Oakcrest the first year that I was there- the year when Jayson's cousin was my counselor, before I even know Jayson existed. Anyway, after talking to them Jayson started feeling the same way that I did and we started on our journey. I didn't feel like we had to rush the process and in the middle of the process we actually had a pending adoption for about 4 months in which we put a temporary pause on our licensing process. We were finally licensed in Sept or Oct (I cant remember which) 2013, just weeks before we got our sweet little guy.
So, that's the WHY. Because it felt SO right. We wanted to be parents, it has always been our greatest dream as a couple, and we figured that since we didn't have children of our own at that time we might as well help children who need parents/care givers temporarily. Since neither adopting or having children on our own seemed to be working out we had contemplated many paths for me. I could go back to school. I could find a job that I really loved. I thought long and hard about the school one, but in the end I realized that what I most wanted was to be a mom, so being a foster mom seemed to be the perfect fit.
The HOW is what I've never really been able to put into words. It was, in fact, just a week or two ago that it hit me. I was talking to my step-mom and she was saying that before me my dad always wanted a son, but that we told her he was so glad he had a daughter because there's just something so special about having a daughter. Having a daughter was a more perfect fit for him. And I said something along the lines of, "He has also been like a dad to so many young men, so I'd say he has his fair share of sons." And then it struck me. It's that whole "It takes a village to raise a child" concept. My whole life I've known the sad tale of my parents not being able to bare children very easily, but what no one ever talks about or seems to see is that they were parents LONG before I came around and they have been so many times since. Both of my parents constantly take people under their wing as if they are their own children. It all comes down to love. Yea, maybe they don't get to keep those children forever and maybe they tend to drift away as time goes by, but they were yours for a little while and from what I can tell it's always worth it.
Plus, it's one of those things that, once you're in the middle of it, you're kind of like...what was I thinking?
I also mainly just try not to think or talk about him leaving. It's probably not the healthiest way of handling- or not handling it, rather. Trials, at least from my experience, seem to just be placed upon you before you even know what's coming. In this case I'm anticipating a trial- one that I anticipate will be the hardest I've ever endured. It's a very weird thing, to be anticipating a trial. I feel like I've had a bit of practice with it from our failed adoption back in August. It wasn't looking promising for a good few weeks before we found out for sure it wasn't going to happen, so there was a bit of anticipation there. But only a little. This time there's been so much time to anticipate. And I have no idea how I'm going to handle it and that terrifies me. I'm scared of not being ok. I'm scared of never being the same again. Will I be able to see a dragon, watch The Lion King or The Little Mermaid, or listen to his favorite Disney songs ever again without my heart breaking? I think the very hardest thing about it is that if he does go back it's not just that he won't be in our home anymore, it's that we likely won't ever see him again. I just don't know that I can handle that. I was just thinking the other day that I've come to think of him as ours. Sometimes I even forget there's a possibility of reunification because I can't wrap my mind around the concept that he isn't completely mine.
Because I am completely his.
And I think what will hurt even more than thinking of the memories we do have will be the ones that will never be.
I know I have Jane and I am forever grateful for that. I think because I know I have her and I need to be my best self for her I will be able to get through this. I will stay together for her.
And I know it's likely that we'll become parents to other children in the future.
But none of them will ever be this little guy. No one else will ever have those eyes. No one else will ever have quite the same delightful little run. No one else will talk quite like he does.
Anyway, you get the picture.
This little guy and I have had a connection since the start. We're kindred spirits. We have so much fun together, just being goofy. He LOVES to go on adventures. It doesn't matter where we're going- to the mall, the dentist, the doctor, a friends house- he wants to go. And it's always such a joy to take him with. We're the best of friends. Before I became a parent I didn't quite understand what it meant when people would say that they were best friends with their kids, but now I totally get it. When you do everything with them all day long you just become best friends.
If he does end up going back try to make sure I come out of the house, ok?
Because when things get really hard I tend to not want to leave the house ever.
Anyway, I didn't really mean for this post to take that turn, but here we are. It did feel pretty good to get that out though.
3 comments:
I have such a hard time seeing new posts on anyone's blog anymore. This was beautiful- made me cry.
Oh Karissa, I don't even know what to say. You are a remarkable woman. I hope I can be as good of a parent as you are. Really, I'm amazed by you and your beautiful, selfless perspective. Sending virtual hugs your way!
Aaaaand this is Brittany Mangelson. Not sure why it didn't have me sign in, but I'm not an "unknown" creeper on your blog. :)
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